That Much Wood Eh?

You may need to sit down, and if you already are, I'd get a chair with a back on it, because this is gonna rock your world! I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks.

Average amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck in a given day: 230 butt cords of wood.

Median amount of wood a woodchuck could chuck in a given hour: 46 butt cords of wood.

Record high for woodchuck wood chucking of 6169 butt cords was attained on May 15, 1996 .

(NOTE: the above calculations take into account that woodchucks chuck no wood on February second, in observance of ground hog day.)

What the hell is a butt cord? I hope to god it's part of a tree. I've learned in my travels that a tree grows from the top, like if there is a fire in the forest, a tree will grow new branches and what not from the top. Cool eh? I wonder what that would be like, our heads would be huge, like really really huge. I guess we wouldn't feel it, probably no more than how our fingernails feel when they grow.

Eww, Eww

I'm sorry, but I have to say it, Mother Nature is a bitch. She's a glorified Kelly hating, skud faced bitch and I think her next meal should be the citrine corruption clasping from the excreting slot of a Fahdgian Dyagenob. Like come on! I was on my merry little way, overcoming this cold when the weather changed and now I'm snot-faced again. Eww, I know, I know. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I'm going to get her, today, I littered on the way to work, and I'll have you know, what I tossed was not bio-degradable. Ha ha! You wench!

Blondie McBlonde

Desert Fox got her hair dyed back to her natural colour. Thank god because I'm tired of sharing my hair colour with her. But now that blondie s back, she looks like a Mark Ryden painting.

Oh Wayne, You're Soo Not Worthy

To Wayne and Janet;
gambling is something people do to get easy money, and I know this maybe a shock but you have lots of money. You don't need illegal gambling. That's like giving a shoe a cupcake, it just doesn't need it. Now, that's all I'm going to say about it.

Damn 2nd Month

I hate the word February because of that r, what is it even doing there if it's not gonna be pronounced? I also hate liars. But I guess I expect too much.

Kelly's Emporium of Throw Back Words

You've heard of throw back jerseys, now introducing, throw back words. Have you ever wanted to impress your friends by using words that make you seem more intelligent, charismatic and worldly all in a matter of minutes? Well, I know I have so I'm bringing to you, "Kelly's Emporium of Throw Back Words." You'll find jems like Balderdash, Codswollop, Lollygag, Scallywag, Skedaddle and even Wittol. Drop them into everyday conversation, you'll be a hit in no time!

I watched a movie recently from the 1920's. I don't know what a jibb is but I don't like the cut of yours. And hootch, I like that one too.

Ah, That Train Top Fist a Cuffs!

Today, I was passed while I was in the passing lane and it ended up with me thinking about those train top fights that I see in those very realistic and factorial movies. It started out soo innocently. Picture this, me driving along the highway, minding my own business, when I'm passed by a green minivan driven by a soccer mom that's completely full of kids. Me! Passed by a minivan! While I was in the passing lane! Now don't get me wrong, I like minivans, I like kids, hell I even like the colour green, but come on! Then I started thinking, I should speed up, jump on the van, have a word with the driver, jump back to my car and continue on my commute. Now, I don't drive a convertible and I didn't have someone to set the cruise control and hold the wheel, and get me close, no wait, to far slow down not that slow, yeah, that's good, no too close, perfect don't move, driving while I jump out. Then I thought about the jump itself, I'd have to speed up, about a half a car length or more and then jump. Now, I don't think I'd be able to open my door going 110km/hour, and a van is taller than my car so I'll have to climb on top of my car. Now that's hard, climbing out my window and getting on the roof? It's slippery up there, plus the wind whipping my hair in my face, so I'd have to make sure to put my hair in a ponytail. Then, when I passed under an over pass I wondered if I'd be able to clear the underpass ontop of a van, but I totally could, a semi can pass under one, so yeah, I'm totally good. Semis are too tall to jump to, but a train is shorter than a semi trailer, so if I had to jump to any means of transportation, I'd pick a train. A train is totally easier, it can only go where the tracks are so no swerving to try to knock me off, and secondly, I'd be able to jimmy open one of those observation deck windows on those passenger trains. Next thing I knew, I was in Spruce, I didn't even notice the time.

Grandpa Munster

Al Lewis who played Grandpa Munster, has died. The Munsters was probably the best show ever to run on tv. Well, other than Blackadder. Yes, it's better than Coronation Street, Father Ted, The Vicar of Dibbly and Eastenders put together.

That's Why I'll Never Be a Sports Commentator

Desert Fox: "Are you watching the Super Bowl?"
Kelly: "No, I've got plans, I'm watching paint dry."

I just could care less about football, this is why I could never be a sports commentator. If I did, you'd never hear me talk about the game. I'd probably talk about everything but the game.

I was watching Shawn Of The Dead, and that movie is just hilarious! But the Zombies are like Zombies of the past, from movies like Night of The Living Dead, not like the scary ones we have now. Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later have superfast crazy Zombies with superhuman strength and the blink and you've missed it speed. I'm all for a species evolving but aren't they dead? How can the go from arms out staggering around to a screaming shrieking Olympic runners on speed who's also a bit bitey? I don't get it. If I was given the choice, I'd pick the slow Zombies, slow is better and I learned that if you act like one of them, they leave you alone. I'd survive. I also think I'd survive on a deserted island, I'm pretty good at building a fire and I could be a vegetarian again, I'm really ok with that. I'd have to bring my sister for company and maybe an animal trainer so we could have monkey butlers. And I'd build the coolest treehouse, I'd have a trap door and a porch and maybe a slide to get down, oh and I think I'd have the slide go into water, like a pool, or if I could find a pond, I'd build my treehouse around it that way I wouldn't have to dig a pool. That could take weeks especially if I had to make the shovels. That'd be fun, not having to work, party all the time, like a permanent vacation, good times.

Why Don't You Eat a Decroded Piece of Crap?!?

B Rad thinks my titles often have nothing to do with the content of my post. This one doesn't, and I really don't know where this title actually comes from. Oh that's right, B Rad's favorite movie, Napoleon Dynamite. He really does love this movie, he has action figures and really does aspire to be just like Napoleon. He even calls his brother Kip.

While watching Speakers Corner last night I had a thought. Why the hell would anyone ever come to this country? If I were going by Canadian television, I'd think the people of Canada were dim-witted, inbred, hunting low brow snaggle tooths. I would never come to this country. I would love to speak to the "on the scene" reporters and ask them what the hell they are thinking. Why would you pick the hick from the boonies about Canada's 2 tier health system??? Billy Bob's idea of healthcare is his auntie Bessie's rabies tonic and moonshine cough serum. Yeah, real reliable, and terribly accurate of the modern Canadian and of our ideas.

Tomorrow is my last day at work, I am dreading my alarm at 5:30 am. I vow that I will never get up that early ever again. It's sad to say it, but I will actually miss going to work at, well, lets just say it rhymes with Hal-Cart. And I will miss bickering with B Rad, and forever messing with his truck. That's really, really, awesome fun. I will, however, not miss B Rad's molester, The D.Q. or the Barn Yard Crew. I should scream freedom, all William Wallace like, when I swipe out for the last time. Yeah, maybe I should, but I am going to toss one steel toe shoe on Highway 16 and the other on Highway 16X. I'll add to the one shoe epidemic. No, wait, pandemic. Seriously, it's gripping the nation. I am forever seeing one shoe lying on the side of the highways. How do you keep walking after loosing one shoe. It's not like you don't notice. I'd notice the sharp rocks and rubber shreds and countles nails and glass. And who looses just one shoe??? Tomorrow I'll "loose" both, just one at a time. And I have to say, I am really looking forward to it. More than one should, it's really unhealthy. I should be worried.

I Can't Help It If I'm Fancy

I like to drink water from a pink martini glass and milk from a frapachino cup with it's adorable matching saucer. I mean it really is adorable. My mum makes a big deal every time I use either one. Apparently she has no room in her cupboards for my, and I quote, "useless shit." Wow, that hurts. Just because she's jealous that I happen to be fancy, awesome, and cultured. I can't help but notice she drinks water from a tall, clear, and boring glass. And that dog staring at me from across the breakfast table that just happens to be her coffee cup, ick. I can't help but notice that a cartoon dog is neither fancy, awesome, or cultured. And it's not like I have a dozen martini glasses, they're 2 glasses, they take up less room that 1 of her fricken dog mugs and my little frapachino set complete with a holder are tiny, they take up no room at all. She has soo many erks that I just can't keep up anymore. I seem to remember her freaking out because Desert Fox and I had "all" of the glasses in our rooms that the cupbard was bare, and at that she couldn't offer someone a glass of water, (I seem to remember looking at the "bare" cupboard and seeing more than a dozen glasses), so I bought my own. Hence the "problem" we're having now. Then my shoes that apparently took over the hall closet annoyed her, so she made me give all but 2 pairs to charity. Now I have shoe racks in my closet. So she can't complain about my shoes, yeah right, now it seems that I waste too much money on buying shoes that I don't need. Then it was that Desert Fox and I spent too much money going to see movies all the time, so I stayed home. Next it was that I spend too much time watching tv in my room, my answer was to spend more time out of the house at the gym and I occasionally go shopping after a wretched day at work, now she says I'm "out a lot." I should record our conversations, people would be in a state, I can hear it now, "You have the patients of a god," "Kell, you are soo calm compared to your mum, I don't know how you do it!" Me either guys, me either. Ok, I've ranted, I'm over it now. I'll just keep my martini glasses and frapachino set in my room, "What a decor you have Kell, kinda like a bar eh? Not even, it's a coffee bar"....

So Bush had his State of the Union address, he failed to mention that the union is seriously in debt, that the American dollar is at a record low and tention in Iraq is at an all time high, but yea! abortions are down! Way to focus on something crutial. Now I'm not gonna say if I'm yea or nea for abortions, but I would be more concerned about the death of troops and civilians overseas than a few unwanted pregnancies being terminated. Or that teenage pregnancies are down, come on Dubya, don't treat us like the retarded cousin that only gets to leave the house on Sundays provided we've been good all week, kept our room clean and had little or even no violent outbursts, we're not you George, we're actually intelligent. Well, most of us are, the one's who voted for you, well, the jury's still out on them. Mind you, who else was there to vote for? Oh that's right, anyone but you. I digress, I don't want angry emails. I should maybe take my email addy off here if I'm going to be soo smart.

Say it With Me, Warrant

I find it terribly hard to fake interest in someone else's kid. I don't think babies are all that cute. In fact, most babies look like those dolls, all the same. Even with family member's baby, even when I know both parents, I don't see that he has his dad's nose or his mum's eyes. And no, even if you point and tell me to look strait at her or on an angle, really really close or even standing on my bloody head, I don't see that she has her brother's attitude or demeanor. I just don't see it. Maybe the parents are just projecting themselves on this poor child, if she was adopted would you still say she has her dad's chin, no I really don't think so. When I look at my baby pictures I know it's me I'm looking at, not just because I have seen them a million times when my mum wants me to look at what she's looking at, not because I look like my mum or have my mum's eye colour or even my nose that is the same as my sister's only not as long, it's because I have a scar. Yes, I am like Scar from The Lion King, I have a scar that I got 1 minute before I was born, the one that the police have on file thanks to some child-find the school subjected me and other would be criminals to. And I know it wasn't just for child-find, it was to create a database of underage offenders that grow up to be adult criminals. If I only had known the word warrant when I was 7, if only.

General Duvet and Couch... Yeah

Yesterday, while I was typing an email at work to Stampy in Airdrie, I couldn't help but notice how great I was typing. I'm not normally a great typist, I'm always looking at the keyboard, but yesterdayI was in the zone. I only glanced down twice and my punctuation and spelling was wicked fantabulous. It was chilly and my fingers were cold, so, maybe that's my optimal atmosphere for oplympic style typing, perhaps this is why I only just discovered my immaculate talent until just now. I must say, I am the Joaquin Phoenix of typing. Now I could have said Wayne Gretzky or even John A. MacDonald but I like Joaquin Phoenix , I know a lot of people who like Joaquin Phoenix. His brother River was ok, I know that Johnny Cash liked Joaquin Phoenix and I hear that even Jon Heder likes Joaquin Phoenix . I saw him a few months ago on Conan O'Brien's show, so I think it's safe to say that yes, even Conan O'Brien likes Joaquin Phoenix. Now, who doesn't like Joaquin Phoenix? Only murderers and thieves, that's who. And your not a murderer or thief are you? So I'm the Joaquin Phoenix of typing, wow, I have to tell you, it feels, great, really great. I know you're jealous of my mad skills so we'll move on. Just remember, I am the Joaquin Phoenix of typing.

I still have my cold, Desert Fox gave it to me and I take great pride in knowing that I gave it to B Rad. He sounded really harsh yesterday. I however, was able to mask my symptoms. His fault was relying on Halls. Only Halls? Only Halls? You have to think of a cold as a war, you can't win it with empty Christmas wrapping paper tubes, (Halls), that'll be figured and adapted to quickly. You need to keep it guessing. I start my day with a shot of Buckleys, then follow up my glass of milk with a Dayquil tablet and pop another one at lunch, and I have Strepsils throughout the day. When I get home from work I take follow-up shot of Buckleys and some more Strepsils, they make my tongue numb but I can still talk and my thoat doesn't feel too bad, take that. I like to end my day battle with aNyquil nightcap. I get to bed early and sleep a good 7 hours and combat my enemy all over again the next day. You see B Rad, you must close the Martha Stewart website windows, put away the Laptop and go to sleep. This is why you sound like crap and I have a slight sore throat and barley a sniffle. Well, until today. I figured I was ok last night so I didn't take my Nyquil night cap and that's when I was flanked, as I slept, the enemy's army surrounded my camp and attacked. I was defenseless, my army in the kitchen playing cards or whatever they do on their downtime. But, I woke up, thought it was all good, I opened my one eye, coughed a bit but figured it was cool, then I tried to talk. Now imagine taking a fork and sticking it down your throat and scraping it a few thousand times, yep, that's it. And that's how I feel. I hate defeat. Oh but it's not over, I just need to regroup, just need to regroup, get in some reinforcements, maybe a few snipers called Benalyn and Sudafed and the generals, Duvet and Couch. It ain't over.

Boo-urns! Boo-urns!

Tories? Crap. That's all I'm going to say about the new war loving, homophobic, nosey, and terribly redundant government you've elected Canada. That's all I'm going to say because I didn't vote. Why didn't I vote? Because I could careless about who was elected, we're screwded Canada, we're totally screwed no matter who we voted in, also, I was at IKEA buying a book shelf and a tv stand I didn't really need. I also went to The Mongolie Grill on Jasper Ave, it was good, but more importantly, I convinced Desert Fox to buy a motorcycle, now I can get a discount when I buy 2 bikes. Nice. I was watching a re-run of Fallout Boy on Much On Demand. I don't understand the condition that's effecting celebrities. It's like they can't answer the question asked of them. They start to answer it, get distracted by a flashing light and totally go off topic. Why is it that people in this country can't speak? Have you ever listened to a famous personality speak? If yes, then you know that you can't understand what it is they are trying to say. It is all crap. The guy that runs the local convenience store, whom has only been in the country for four years mind you, can speak better broken English than they can. Hockey and Baseball players are the same, George Laroque said this after playing last week, "We gave one hundred percent, you know. We are just trying to like get back in the the swing of things you know. Like injuries are a part of hockey so you know we just tried to like stay healthy."

--------------------Insert Crickets Here-------------------------------

What the hell did he just say? Didn't this professional hockey player receive four years of college? Now I'm not the most educated person ever, I never took a college English or Speech class but, I'm pretty sure that the words "you know" and "like" should not predicate every four words in a sentence. It used to be only youngin's that spoke like that but, now everyone is doing it. I'm not sure but I think it started with the valleygirl speak: "I was like at the mall you know." Professional athletes then became infected and now even CEO's of companies have been infected with the disease. This nauseating practice has now spread throughout the entire country.It is absolutely frustrating listening to these people talk. They are everywhere. At work, on the television, on the radio, they permeate every facet of our lives. Why can't they put their thoughts into words? And for that matter, why do these pretentious a-holes think that I should know what they are trying to say? I wanna tell them "you are talking to me, how should I know what you are talking about?" Personally I blame a certain music television station for the wide spread symptoms of this disease. It I was more computer savvy I would include a clip that I heard on muchmusic so you could see what I mean. If it is so wide spread then how do we fix it? First, start with a grass roots campaign. If someone is talking to you in dumbass speak then tell them to stop and start over with complete thoughts this time. It will open their eyes to a problem that they did not know that they had, they will be forever grateful for it. Once they realize the absent minded habit that they have, they will start to notice others and correct them. It's like a circle of life. Now go forth and make Canada a better place for me to live.

Thanks Taco Town!

I'm really ok with making old things better. We used to walk everywhere, then we enslaved horses, then we didn't like riding the horses so we built carts, then we put motors in the carts and made glue out of our horses, and now we have cars. And back in the day, people used to cut their hair with a knife. I can only imagine the split ends that resulted, but then someone made the knife into 2 knives with handles and joined them at a pivot joint, they're now called scissors. See, things can be made better. Now you're probably thinking, "Tacos can't be made even better, right Kell?" Wrong. They can and Taco Town is here to show us how. Follow this link, it's going to change your life.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2304167489947666089&q=snl+taco&pr=goog-sl

Storage Room "D"

Chaz and Carrot Top were at work today. Sounds normal but they've both quit, Carrot Top back in the summer and Chaz back in November. They stopped by just to see if they're still remembered. It was Carrot Top's first visit but Chaz's 5th. Get a life guys. Get a life. They even sat in for the manager's 3pm meeting. That's sad. So sad. They're like Milton Waddams from the movie Office Space. The one who was let go but just doesn't get it. I've provided a link for a sound clip. http://www.bullshitjob.com/officespace/payroll.wav Yeah, they're like that. If you haven't seen the movie, you need to. Seriously, go, now. Look I appreciate the devotion but seriously, get up now, run to your nearest movie store, buy it (trust me, it's not a renter it's a buyer) , watch it and come back, I'll still be here. Well, now that you're back, imagine 2 Miltons wandering around making sure everyone remembers them. No Chaz, I don't have your bloody stapler.

I was going to mention the really stupid thing B Rad said today, but I'll leave that for another day. Maybe I'll be nice to him for a while, then when he least suspects it, Bam! Novacain and impartial! Yeah Boyee! Ok, I promise, that's THE last time I do that. At least on paper.

I Said Good Day!

How the hell do I owe Rogers $87.03????? I don't get it, I don't talk that much. I just don't get it. I bet it was the Flare magazine. It says only $1.00 an issue but there's probably some start up fee. There's always a start up fee. Or maybe it's the text messages every time the Leafs play. I mean it's only like 1 text like 3 times a week. B Rad says he only pays like $30 a month, how is that even possible? Well, I guess, I never see his phone, and he doesn't know that many people, and I guess he's home a lot. I guess it could only be like 30 bucks. Whatever, Rogers and I are not talking. I'm going to call tomorrow and raise hell. Maybe I shouldn't I might actually owe that, maybe it's a lot of day time minutes. Where's Catherine Zeta Jones when you need her? She's always going on about daytime minutes right? Whatever. And what the hell is a tuffett? I was going to write about B Rad and his brother Mikey and refer to them as Miss Muffett and the spider. And then I started thinking about a tuffett. I was told it was a stool but then why wouldn't they just say stool? I guess because it doesn't rhyme with Muffett. Then why not call her Miss O'Toole? It gets the same point across, she is a girl who sits on a stool, eats curds and whey, then there's a spider beside her she books it. Sounds good to me. I think I'll submit my modern re-write and see what Mother Goose has to say. probably "Honk!" seeing as she's a Goose! Why the hell does a Goose not have a graceful call? And what sound does a deer make? I see whistles in hunting sections of major department stores but I can't see a deer whistling. It just doesn't seem right. Kinda like a german-polish 45 year old computer processor with coke bottle glasses and lieder-hosen knowing what Britney and Kevin are up to. Just not right.

Today we had a visit at work from Shrek. Everyone hates and fears him yet they all kiss his ass. I didn't really notice how much the dm's are terrified by him until I saw B Rad in a total panic. His face, neck and ears were beat red, I'd never seen him like that. Wow, one man has the power to do that? I want that power. Making grown men stress like that, I'm soo there. Huh?

Someone just called my cell phone and didn't bother to leave a message! I am appalled! And you just know they listened to my non generic voicemail message featuring the boys from Billy Talent. How rude. No, you don't get to hear my voicemail message unless you leave a message, come on, I spent money on this thing and you're just going to hang up? As if! I would never! That's it, I'm too upset to bother! I couldn't possibly! I just couldn't possibly!

Now, in honour of Shrek and the power he weildes, I give you Shrek Green!

yeah....

I got nothing. That's all.

Picky Picky Picky

Apparently Wonder Bread Hot Dog buns are not good, he doesn't like them. B Rad, no wonder your mum only buys whole wheat, you're fricken picky. Totally fricken picky, if only you were that way with your outfits, oh yes, I went there.

Beam Him Up Scotty

I've had requests to change "Captain Goggles" name to "Crusty." From now on, he will be known as Crusty. Now I have a request, would who ever left Harry here beam him back up? He's blown his cover, we know he's not human. That is all.

Moxie's Scares Me

Last night at Moxie's I saw the biggest, wait the big biggest hair ever. On a guy. I tried not to stare and when I laughed, he saw and I feared for my life. Who knows what it could do, I don't think it's ever been studied. I've included a artist's rendition of the beast.

Hidden Valley Ranch

Salt, Pepper, Ranch. Yes, I'm saying it, Ranch should be the third seasoning. It's good with everything. Salad, potatoes, bugles, and yes, even chicken fingers. The only way to make Ranch dressing better? Add some jalapeno. Oh yes my friend, it now comes with jalapeno. Don't thank me, thank my good friends at Safeway. Should I give them a plug without being paid? Ah well, since it's almost still the holidays, I'll let it go.

Episode 01-10-06 "Captain Goggles Returns"

Today I was asked for like the 6th time, how my dad's surgery went, and what exactly did they (the surgeon) do? People, if you ask what the surgeon did, I'm going to tell you. Do play the game of "I wanna know but eww that's gross so don't tell me but yeah tell me I can handle it but eww no I can't but I still wanna know." I don't think you know how annoying that really, really is. And what kind of salt do they use on pretzels? Because it's great. I've tried just tasting table salt and it's not good, but the clear square of salt, good. That is all, I've got nothing. Maybe an episode of Captain Goggles returns to work tomorrow, will make for good blogin'. Till then, laters. Oh B Rad, I posted something for ya. Scroll down to the next post. Yeah, you're welcome.

Nation Security is a really stupid funny movie. Good times.

Ah, Wonder Crack

You are desitined not to have either one of these.

The Little Strawberry Men

Who would pay 30 dollars for a stupid bottle of Coca Cola? It doesn't really matter that it's 43 years old. Desert Fox offered me 20 bucks to drink the soda on the spot, ick. What would it even taste like? 43 years in a glass bottle, that'll put hairs on your chest. I can only imagine what grew inside there. Maybe there is a whole bacteria culture (unintended joke, culture!) living out their little lives. Whole generations. I wonder if they know the little men who live inside the strawberries.

Sel et Poivre

My team played B Rad's team. Needless to say, my team won. Barely but we still won. And I must say, it feels, pretty good. Also, I looked up where Yugoslavia and Russia are, not that close man. I've also learned Yugoslavia doesn't exist anymore. So, it seems I'm not stupid after all, you're gonna have to refrain from the normal verbal abuse I receive from you on a daily basis. And I am the victim, I'm never the antagonizer, at least, that's what I tell people.

Today, I'm going antiquing, yea. I don't get it. Why would you pay butt loads of money for old stuff? When does it become antique and not just out-dated? Who decides the dresser no one wants, gets upgraded from garage sale garbage to a pristine antiquity? I have an original gameboy. When will it be considered a antique? I wouldn't mind a chunk of change for it. But I guess until then it will remain junk. Useless junk. How sad.

When did Woody Harrelson get all this work? Every now and then he's in like 30 movies. When did this happen? And who names their kid Woody? Unless he wears cowboy attire and has a pull string in his back, no one should be named Woody.

It Expires? Damn...

B Rad, I talked to J.C. I pushed for a 100 year expiry date, I only got 80 with 57 years left. Apparently if I live past 80 I deserve to go to hell. My only consolation is that you'll be 81. Well, keep your fingers crossed.

I Think I'm Soo Funny...

No one knows how to annoy people like me. Especially when it's my family. An exceptionally when it's my sister. My favorite way, annoying her when she's really into a show or movie. Star Wars III is my favorite. My stupid questions leave her totally cheezed and me, completly ammused.

Repeatedly referring to the movie as Star Trek. At first, it was an innocent mistake but when she started getting annoyed, it was just funny.

When the Chancellor turned to whats-his-face-that-turns-into-Garth-Vader and said "I have good news", without missing a beat I shouted "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!" That's when I got the look. Yes, that look, the one soo cold your veins would freeze and shatter.

Asking why Captain Picard wasn't in there fighting with the force. But then answer myself by saying, "Oh yeah, these are before, I ment Captain Kirk, Why isn't he and Scotty there?" That's when I got the look.

Telling her R2D2 looked like a trash can on wheels, and that with the first 2 movies a big hit, you'd think he'd be all pimped out. Like how big was the budget, I thought Wes Craven was a better director than that. (Yes I know it was George Lucas but it's just that fun)

Good Times at SGCHS

2 days ago I saw 2 girls from my high school, I'll let them remain nameless, I'll call them girl one and girl two. They look the same, dress the same and they still hate me. I've said maybe 10 words to these girls my whole fricken life yet they've continued to hate me. Maybe I was naive thinking that high school is over, surely this is, but no, no it's not. Whatever is all I can say, they were bullies and will probably have bullies for children. My only question for them would be why they (bullies) continue to ask day after day, "what's your problem?" if clearly they are not going to solve it for me? Maybe I was having a bad hair day or my homework wasn't done, at last! Some one to help me with my problem! Nope, they just call you gay and giggle into their cracker trying to capture what's left of their self-loathing, hypocritical ego while suppressing the hatred for others' self acceptance. Ah high school. Good times.

Holy Google Batman!

I would just like to question why the word "blog" is spelled incorrectly according to Blogger's spell check. That's like Google telling you that "Google" is spelled wrong.

Holy Identity Theft Batman!

I think a local radio personality is stealing my blog ideas. A few months back I wrote about the "Edit Undo" feature for real life, now I see on his blog, the same thing. Well, this is new.

A Boy Named Sue

Blogspot.com needs to let me put sound bites on my little bloggie-boo. I must say, and I've said it a few times, you wait until 3am and ask me to sing "A Boy Named Sue" and I really do sing like Johnny Cash I really do. I am the best Cash impersonator. Which kinda kills real bad cause he was a man, but oh yeah, I'm gonna ride this magic carpet for as long as I can. But until blogspot.com allows sound bites, I'm gonna have to keep this little diddy to myself. In fact, this little diddy is soo amazing, other diddys want it's autograph. You know, if it signed a shoe contract, other diddys would be clamoring to buy them. Which is funny if ya think about it, seeing as diddy's don't even have feet. Well. Ain't that a kicker. Yeah, it is, right in the gullet. Yeah, even your great great grandma on your cousin Allen's wife's sister-in-law's uncle's third cousin twice removed would feel it. So write to your congressman or woman, and step up to the plate, root root root for what is good, yeah, what's good.
Woah, I should really re-think the green plaid, it's not flattering at all, but I am impressed with my cowlick. Nice. Real, real nice. Oh. Yeah. Nice.

B Rad Strikes Again Times 2!

Well, here it is B Rad, I wasn't going to post this list but you've pushed me too far! Way too far. Now, upon reading over the list of atrocities, I've noticed you say the same things over and over again. Either you've got a lack of comical wit or you're an a-hole. You decide. No wait, I will. You're an a-hole.

Dec 21, 9:24 am - Flipped me off, called me an f*#king A-hole and dumb bitch.
Dec 21, 9:28 am - Called me a test tube baby, dumb shit.
Dec 21, 9:30 am - Flipped me off again, called me a crack whore, illiterate, incompetent, that I can't spell and to shut my f*#king trap.
Dec 21, 9:32 am - Called me a stupid twit, said if I were a Spice Girl I'd be "Handi-Spice," continued to call me a stupid S.O.B. dumb as a post, and swore a lot, too much for that early in the morning.

My Life Is Very Slowly Passing Me By

Boxing day shopping, I'm an idiot. My arch enemy: slow-walkers. And I think boxing day at South Common is their annual convention meeting place. Yes, people actually take their time to stroll leisurely down the sidewalks, stopping to see the displays that shoppers put on just for my torture. Sidewalks are meant for walking as fast as you can, to reach the new member of your fashion family. Mine was a beautiful brown leather ALDO purse. Yet this family of Snaggle Tooths are purposely standing in my way. How can someone walk so damn slowly, aimlessly, blocking my way? If there isn't an aim to it, why leave the house at all? But no, there they go, coming back and forth, hesitating at every step. They don't look where they're going, maybe because they don't know it themselves. They flutter here and there, they bump against you. Oh, and what about the shopping malls? They're hell to me. A swarm of people that doesn't come nor go, but stays stuck in the middle of the walkway, gaily talking to each other about things that don't really matter and screaming to their cellphones. Just because you can't hear what the caller is saying, it doesn't mean they've gone deaf, just you. Then I'm doomed to walk slowly along with a loud mouthed, screaming slow-walker, hating every minute of it. My sister is always very amused to see me in this kind of situation. Also, my most hated slow-walker quote: "Are you in line?" No, I've just stood in front of you for 15 minutes just so I could smell the rancid butt hole eggnog you bathed in last night, for fun. You. Stupid. Snaggle Tooth. Idiot.

And what the hell is it with stupid teenage girls jumping to the stalker label as soon as a guy shows the slightest sign of interest in them? Are they getting dumber? Or is it just me? Stop flattering yourselves, you stupid, stupid, stupid little girls! I hear this kind of crap all the time, from the Starbucks girls in WEM. "Oh my god, this guy was looking at me, today. He's a stalker. I have a stalker." What is it? Are you that god damn desperate to make your empty, meaningless life sound exciting? Why is it always stalker? You know, there are several levels of lesser severity, below stalker. You might want to try admirer or whatever. With an admirer, you don't have an excuse to act all dramatic, like you're in a horror movie, and get some huge ego trip out of it. It just isn't the same if you can't delude yourself and anyone stupid enough to listen to you into believing that someone is completely obsessed with you. Fricken get over yourself. When you find a guy hiding in the bushes outside your bedroom window, you have a stalker. When you see someone looking at you for a few seconds, from across the room, what you have is someone who finds you attractive, and it's clearly someone who is obviously not the least bit familiar with your personality.

The G.W.R. Pure Genius

Today, as my family and I opened presents, I noticed all the gifts wrapped by my mum were perfect. Tight corners, smooth, sleek seams, and perfect even tape. Then I looked at what I wrapped. Now, I don't claim to be the best gift wrapper, but I like to think I'm a cut slightly above. I have now seen my weakness, and it stings, like the sting of a thousand scorpions. My corners were more like skrunched balls of wrapping paper flattened by twisted tape, and there are many sloppy and uneven seems, not to mention wrinkles upon wrinkles upon wrinkles. This has lead me to my latest invention. Are you ready Canada? Drum roll please......

The Gift Wrapping Robot! It could take any sized box and expertly wrap up to 30 gifts an hour. Oh yeah, I see a big future for the G.W.R. A big future. Perhaps wrapped up in a neat package.

This is How We Brush Our Teeth, Brush Our Teeth, Brush...

This morning at around 6:31 am, I had a great idea for my post today. I told myself to turn on the computer and write it up right then and there. Then I shrugged my shoulders, told myself that "I'll totally remember!" and kept brushing my teeth. Wow, you'd think I'd learn by now, I can't remember jack. I haven't the slightest idea what it could have even been about. But I do remember being very chuffed with myself. Yeah, I am soo smart. So, sadly you're stuck with my only note of intrigue, I've learned that you can't tan your palms, or the bottom of your feet. I don't know why, I just don't know why. Maybe it's just one of those unknowns. Yeah, unknowns. Anyways, incase I don't get back to my good old 1992 4 foot computer. You know, one of the retros, the one with the green 8 inch screen, Happy Christmas!

Superman is a Perv

If Superman has X-Ray vision, can he still see when his eyes are closed? I mean come on man, if you can see throughout a titanium infused, copper-plated and steel laced door, would your eyelids really be a challenge? Now that being said, could he see through the ground, the clay, plates and magma, and see lets say Japan or Egypt? What is the limit. Now here's my big question, Superman's hair is always trimmed neat, (because I'm guessing his alter ego Clark is anal about detail), yet his hair was on display in a museum supporting the weight of a 100lb weight. How would the scissors cut through suck strong hair? That is my real question. Oh also, if he can see through his eyelids, why would he bother closing them? What would be the point?

I saw a movie today staring Charlie Sheen, something about aliens and he saved man-kind, blah blah blah. But what I actually did care about was the fact that the aliens had backward knees. I thought about it the other day thinking it'd be neat, not actually knowing what it would look like, and I must say, eww. Not attractive at all. Picture the scariest alien ever and now stick backwards knees on it. Yeah, I cried a little too.

Colabs Aren't Cool

Listen, to all you artists out there that are crying into your wheaties. Yes, your 15 minutes are over, and no, a collaboration won't help. You know who you are coughLinkinParkcough. I hate a down and out celeb/artist who gets famous again just because Madonna or Jay Z whored themselves out to make some chedda. And newly appointed Miss J. Simpson, I hate that you are famous because you're a slob, couldn't clean even if you had Mary Poppins, and may or may not be mildly retarded. Also, not knowing the difference between chicken or fish isn't cute, it's demeaning and you just set back blondes 11 years. And they were so close to indifference. Soo close. But your dear old dad is a marketing genius, so I'll let it slide. And to you free loaders out there, no you can't act just because you can sing, and yes, we will notice if you put your face on a Janis Joplin album. Oh! OMG! I almost forgot! It is not ok for a country artist to mame and butcher Janis Joplin and Neil Diamond. And yes, I like Neil Diamond, wanna fight about it?

Pure Spite, Yeah Hook Me Up With Some of That

Over the years of a complex friendship, you slowly gain access to certain tid-bits of information. Just a reminder to B Rad, I have things on you too. Oh it's on man, it's on.

With that said, I think I'm going to buy a Chia Pat. It's not something I overly love but I always wanted one as a kid. Myself from the past would be totally cheezed if I didn't buy one. I wonder if I'll have to go to an old store to get one. I don't think they even make them anymore. That guy who invented the Pet Rock is a total genius. I once had an idea for an invention. I should have patented it! I remember it clearly, I, little Kelly, was cutting 4 pieces of construction paper at the same time and my hand was hurting. Then it hit me, electric scissors! That's what I need! Then, like 8 years later, I was sitting at home watching tv, minding my own business when BAM! there they were. Electric scissors. I should have written it down...

It's A Christmas Miracle!

I'm EXTREMELY happy to say that Pepsi, for a limited time, has brought back the raspberry flavored Ginger Ale. I Happen to love it yet they continue to toy with me every few months. Bring it back, taking it away, then bringing back. What, are things that slow down at Pepsi Corporate Office? They must be. This, in turn, has lead me to recall every evil doing, corporate shrill who's ever wronged me, the average Jill:

Coke, Pepsi, Big Brother, The Queen, The Christmas Card Companies, Motorola, LG Mobile Phone Company, The Hot Dog Bun Company, and The Hot Dog Dog Companies.

To all you people, you suck.

No I don't want to sign up for a Gold Card VISA

It must have been "Bring Your Baby to the Mall Day" at the local high school, because I must have seen at least a dozen 15 year olds carrying infants around that mall. The other high school girls (who looked like they belonged on that show Laguna Beach) were talking about how they were going to get wasted before some party. They purchased 1001 Drinking Games. They make their parents proud. Does every tool who is happy with their sad pathetic life have to quote Dave Chapelle? Really? You're not Rick James, bitch. At Games Room there was a 72 inch pool table on sale for $400. I nearly bought it. But dammit, I won't compromise. I want a full sized table. Where else will my family eat Christmas Dinner? After all that I bought nothing. For anyone else. I bought myself a hat. Merry Christmas Kell, Merry Christmas.

B Rad Strikes Again

Continuation of B Rad's wrong doings

December 18, 2005 9:41 pm - Started his own blog just to annoy me. *Note I believe he's a troubled guy with an unhealthy fixation on misery and despair

Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhymes... Seedy and Shameless

Who came up with nursery rhymes? Not Mother Goose. She's not human, she's not even toilet trained, I hardly believe she could use a typewriter. So it must have been people, strange, seedy, scary people. What they're not telling us is the tragedy connected to the rhyme. Like Old Mother Hubbard who later ate her dog for which she was searching for a bone. Jack and Jill were retarded twins, no doubt a result of the difficult birth from which they became mildly retarded due to the lack of oxygen. Humpty Dumpty was actually a egg farmer who came to town to sell his eggs when mean soldiers knocked him off the wall he happened to stop on to rest his tired feet. Once they realized they had cracked his skull and he was dead, they buried him in the forest never to be found again. And Mary's little lamb? Mary was a goth and she ate him. Raw. For brunch.

Remember, There Are No Stupid Questions

While in gridlock on the Whitemud today I pondered these nuggets of intrigue:

Why is everything on us face forward? What if our feet and knees were backwards? How would I drive? How would I walk?

Clearly there are stupid questions.

Lucky ! ! ! Napolean... The Pen, Now with 12% More 'Tude

Check it out! Napolean Dynamite, on a pen! Sweet! I'm soo taking you to work! And it has 7 sayings from the movie, just push the top. Lucky! Ever take it over any sweet jumps?

I Don't Think So B Rad

Hey B Rad, J.C. gave me this, good luck with your buring for all eturnity, alone, well, with Hitler and Shirley Temple.

And Yes, I Am That Petty

Today, I decided to list all the wrong doings by B Rad. He's lucky I only started my list at 2:55.

2:55 Told a mean spirited story about me. *Note I think he's dead inside and being mean is his only solace.

2:56 Said, and I quote, "Hey Idiot!" *Note he must be insecure about his own intelligence.

2:57 Told me that, and I quote, "You ask the most stupid f@#king questions ever!" *Note, I believe him to be lacking creativity and will become jealous of anyone else showing spectaulor tact and skill for anything.

Oh yes B Rad, I am that petty.

I'm Starting to Despise Chain Emails.

Guys, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fricken stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get the Caddie in the driveway, the chedda in my bank account and the model/Texas born surfer turned Australian rugby champ now sports commentator for the BBC. What a bunch of crap. I wonder if the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and steal my Christmas tree and holiday spirit while I sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and then stolen by Canadian drunks thinking it was a treasure map, and if it makes it to the year 2008, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Because the current record holder only lasted 2002 years and 364 days. Wow, the tennis elbow you must have got back then, well, seeing as there was no email or even electricity. Chipping away on your marble slate late into the night, constantly being burned by the flickering flame and scalding hot wax drippings. Now that's dedication.

I especially like the ones that guilt me into annoying my friends. Telling me some sob story about little Jimmy in Brazil who has no arms, legs, parents, or even a pet goat who desperately needs your help, you see, for every forward of this such email, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy Fund in his home town of Mamooshka, Brazil. And if I don't send this to at least 10 people, I will find myself walking the streets of hell in a Canadian Goose Down Filled Parka, being constantly hit by thrown monkey poop, and not only be forced to eat adorable kittens but being videotaped by that annoying obnoxious guy from my P.E. class who smelled like cauliflower, which is to be shown at my high school reunion. Oh! I almost forgot! Make a wish and it will come true in 106 years when I'm already dead and not able to enjoy the super sonic invisable hover craft I initially wished for. Well, maybe my kids can use it for something. When they get out of jail.

Oops!

I guess it was my 51st post. Oops, my bad.

I Don't Feel Smarter

Do smart people feel smarter wearing glasses? And do they feel more vain wearing contacts? Oh, do they feel like a poser wearing contacts knowing that they should be wearing glasses? Now, I wear both glasses and contacts, and I don't feel any smarter or more vain than usual. You'd think I'd use my 50th post for something more profound. Well, it was a slow news day.

I Take It All Back

I don't know what came over me. I didn't ment it, I heart Starbucks.

I Guess There Had to Be a First

Who ever looked at a cow and said, "Yeah, I'll drink whatever comes outta that." Milk isn't in sync with the evolutionary chain but I like it. Especially as a chocolatey flavor, or strawberry, who knew? Actually I like the banana one too.

Why do I pay 5 bucks for coffee? What makes Starbucks better than the sludge I can buy for a fith the price at good ol' canadian Timmy's?

Magpies Should Destroy!

I'm appalled by what I just witnessed live. Owen was accosted by the goalkeeper of Arse-hole Arsenal, and not even a yellow card to be seen! I'm totally cheesed by that. Also, note the colours, it's for the Magpies, oh and they won 1 nill! See Arsenal, you played dirty and still lost! Ha ha ha!

If You Go Out in the Woods Today, You're Sure to Get a Surprise!

I googled a few stupid things tonight. I was surprised by the results. I first googled "Strange Ideas" and got, not much. Just a few sites about strange business ideas and they tried to sell me a book. Next on the docket was "Stupid Movie Quotes." Now I expected to find not much but I was directed to AFI's 100 years in movies and it lists many things including the 50 best villains and heros. I was shocked at a few. The number one for both categories I agree with:

#1 Hero - Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird
#1 Villain - Dr. Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs

But Batman is #46 and Superman is #26!!!!! I feel shocked!!!!!! Cotttttton! Surely the 25 all the way up to number 1 has to be better than Batman and Superman! Nope! Virgil Tibbs in The Heat of the Night is #19, Rocky Balboa in Rocky is #7 and Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs is #6!!!!! These three are not better than either Batman or Superman combined!!!!! Wow, all I can say is Wow.

Now lastly I googled "If a Tree Falls in the Woods and There's No One Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound?" Woah, you may need to sit down for this one. Apparently there is a "Human Stress Syndrome" for plants! Here it is summed up the best way I know how, you know, for all you skeptics.

Scientists have been dealing with the problem of natural tree falls (and the sound they make, or don't make) for quite some time and have drawn some rather surprising conclusions.

If a tree falls and there's a person around the sound it's easily recognized. If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody nearby, the sound that it makes is very different and often not recognized as the sound of a tree falling. Either way, there is a sound. Even though plants do not show any changes to the naked (or lensed) eye, when a human is in their presence systemic biological changes have been discovered that have grave effects on plant life when a person is within 300 meters. This effect is called "human stress syndrome." Apparently, when a tree is about to fall, if it senses a human nearby the biological stresses of human presence cause the cell walls in the plant to become brittle and it is the cell brittleness responsible for the familiar sound we know as that of a tree fall. The cell brittleness also has significant effects to the quality of the lumber, making it much more suitable for use in construction. The non-human-stressed wood (naturally falling tree lumber) is almost always rather soft and wet. In many cases you will find splotches of various colors and sections of the wood that appear more like a sponge (one of the best sources of natural sponge is from fallen trees). And if you try to build a structure out of this wood, you are in for a bad surprise when your building soon collapses. Oops! Clean up on 34th and Main!!!

Well, now that's a lesson for all you tree tippers out there! You're giving those poor trees a syndrome! But they do stand all tall and bitchy-like, I see how you'd be tempted. But stick to cows! Really! They like it, the element of surprise, going to sleep standing, waking up in the mud, on your ass. It really jolts ya.

I Don't Think So Tim...

On Home Improvement, I liked Al, he wasn't the funniest or coolest guy in the world, but he had a catch phrase, yeah that's where it's at. I'd like to have a catch phrase but I'm not sure what it would be. I can't just steal one like those people who just take a phrase from a show or movie and do it to death. I should do some thing, some sort of public service announcement or something. If only I had some public forum to voice my opinion... Well, I do have this blog. Her it is, speech stealers listen up.

Look a-holes, it's funny when Jerry Seinfeld says it, not you. I'm tired of people adopting speech patterns, catch phrases, and their entire personalities from movies. When Jim Carrey's "Ace Ventura" came out, every idiot I know did their worst "allllrighty then" impression. You can still hear it echoed by self loathing, stupid school girls who try to compensate for their lack of personality and any resemblance of wit by chanting this so maybe you won't notice that they're lying whores. The worst is when some gabby bitch is the center of a party, and someone tells an awkward story, to which she'll pause a beat, roll her eyes, then say "allllrighty then!" Then she thinks it's funny and she high fives all her snobby catty backstabbing girlfriends friends who watch stupid shit like "Will & Grace" and "Darhma and Greg" all while listening to whiny angst-filled "Jewel" or "Shakeria" bullshit and taking everything Ryan Seacrest says as gospel. I hope you choke.

Ok, that came out a little more angry than helpful but yeah. There it is, take heed children, take heed indeed.

Get The Shovel !

Well, I'm one year closer to the dirt nap. Wow, this feels good.....

Spinning Headlines Back In Vogue! ! !

Uh fyi guys, I just made the best hot chocolate ever. Just thought you'd like to know. It's very high up there on my list. No need to thank me, just trying to make the world a better place, one cup at a time.

The Only Sane Voice In Alberta

The only kid I like on the new Degrassi is the gay kid. Rico or whatever, he's got style. Wow, these jr high kids have really got some issues. If all schools were like this, what would life be like? Let's imagine........ DRAMA!!!!!!! I want a motorbike, even Snake has a motorbike. Uh oh, busted! Snake totally made out with the principal and now Spike knows. Ouch!

Tomorrow is my b-day, and some how I managed to convince Desert Fox to give me my presents tonight!!!!! Wow, I've got wicked skills, wicked negotiation skills. Alright... (insert Quagmire grin here)

All I want For X-mas...

Why oh why do I get asked this every year? Because I'm selfish and buy everything I want leaving nothing for my family and friends to consider buying me before deciding on something not even closely resembling anything on the list. It was easy as a kid, scroll through the wish book, land on the Barbie pages and start writing. Well, it's no longer acceptable to play with a Barbie at my age so I'm forced to look at her through the original packaging, just standing there, wondering why she's not loved enough to be taken out of her plastic and cardboard upright coffin.

I made a wicked X-mas CD today. Oh btw, I'm saying X-mas for now on, it just takes up too much of a conversation. Like I already use such long words, I'd just confuse my convo partner if I threw in the other X-mas word. Crazy? I think not. So my verdict for Best Holiday Tune 2005? All I Want for Christmas (this doesn't count because it's a proper name for a song title, jeeze, you tried to confubble me, ha!) by My Chemical Romance. Good tune, 2 opposable thumbs up. Best Hippie Holiday Tune? And So This is Christmas by John Lennon. Best Vintage Holiday Tune? Do They Know it's Christmas Time? by Band Aid circa 1984, I think I was turning 1, but that's why they call it vintage. I'm not a huge fan of the made to look vintage jeans, and I even joshed a friend of mine. I was recently reminded of my dislike of fake vintage and that I'd bought a hat, a shirt and jeans that were purposely distressed. So here it is B-Rad, you'll hear this only once, I was wrong to josh you for a style that I subconsciously bought myself. There, I feel better and a little more tolerant of emerging and outrageous fashion trends.

Surf or Turf? Uh Surf ! ! !

I found a wicked site today. It's got some of my fav and popular song clips on it. Sounds boring right? Wrong! It's wicked awesome. It plays the song clip forwards, shows you the lyrics, then you play it backwards and you listen to the "satanic messages!" Now I know it's all a bunch of crap, but it's really cool all the same. Try it, all the favs are there, Stairway to Heaven, Hotel California, My Name is..., Another One Bites The Dust, even Hit me Baby One More Time! The url is: http://jeffmilner.com/backmasking.htm

I really wish I had a edit undo function. We've all said and done stupid stuff you immediately regret and wish you could take it back. Yeah, edit undo would be awesome. I guess it would be Ctrl Z. Where would I put it? Maybe hang it around my neck. That's to be later decided.

I'll Have The Roundhouse Kick To My Ass

One hundred billion dollars! I like Dr. Evil. No wait, I heart Dr. Evil. Who ever thought Mikey Caine would be in an Austin Powers movie, who woulda thunk it??? Well, truth be told, who ever thought Chris Walken would be in The Wedding Crashers. My fav Chris scene; Jeremy is tied to his bed and he just sits down and carries on the convo, and at one point tugging the rope to see how secure it really is. Oh solid gold! Or is it solid nuclear. It's pronounced nuclear. Oh Homer, you silly. Chris Walken used to frighten me as a child, I believe it had something to do with a movie involving him as a fallen angel, destroying the world and he had black wings. Creepy. Now I'm afraid of Chuck Norris. Not just because he was 'Walker: Texas Ranger' even though that was a good quality show, but because he can roundhouse kick your ass. Oh yeah, I've heard he once roundhoused kicked his kid's ass for not giving 187% at finger painting. Wow. Imagine for a minute if you will, you're his personal assistant. You arrive to pick him up, let's say you're not even 2 minutes late. Chuck, "You make me late." Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to the face.~ You pick yourself up, you're now driving to the karate school, you run a red, Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to the ear.~ And he didn't even take off his seatbelt. After the karate school you go to Starbucks, you order his pumpkin spice latte, decaf, half fat, double shot, extra spice, Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to the neck.~ Chuck, "I want and Egg Nog Latte, who drinks a fall drink during the holidays? What, you can't just pick that one up!?!" Crisis averted, you're now very bruised and broken, you drive to the spa, Chucky goes in, as you drive away you curse his name, Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to your left kidney.~ As you sit there amazed and slowly coughing up blood you realize, Chucky Norris is Roundhouse kicking my ass! Wow.

Andrew, It Doesn't Even Smell Bad

Who the hell comes up with these commercials? I don't care how long you've been married, no one, I mean no one would smell a shirt that's been worn for a 2 hour run. Like eww... I'm going through writer's block. Oh don't be afraid, I have plenty idea nuggets up in my noggin, it's just sometimes I don't have a computer at my ready when I think of them. So I have 2 options, I can A. try to remember my golden thought or B. write it down on anything available to me. There are problems on both horizons, my memory sucks so option A is out and I can't make heads or tails of my half thought out scribbles. You try:

Bittersweet- try to make a better one
Poker? Why not Joker? But there is a joker, try to rework
Aieee! commercial, lots of mud, why no dry dirt, climate change or easier to wash?

Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing. I'm retarded.
Wait...RETARDED

The Bwah Bwah Whanh Music

That crazy New Orleans funeral brass music is crazy! Why not play that everyday? Beacuse it's creepy, that's why. Also, why not dress up dogs? Because it's mean. Does Fido really like wearing a bee costume? Look at him, I think the snarling means no.

Tick Tock

Hey Desert Fox, a little tip. When you say you're gonna be somewhere, be there. Don't make someone wait for 30 minutes before getting pissed off, leaving thus forcing her to leave a snotty voicemail as she's walking to her car because she waited around for 30 minutes!

Townies, Not Just Informers

I don't know about you, but I find it takes a while to get back into things once you've been out of town for a while. I'm used to having my bed made and my room cleaned everyday. I got very used to having my clothes in a dresser( !!! ), my bathroom free of clothing and clean towels! Not only clean, but hung neatly on a towel rack! Oh no my friends, no picking off the floor for me! But now that I'm home I realize what a fricken mess I really am. I have footholes that guide me to my bed. I have to keep my bedside light on in order to make it to my bed in one piece, I stepped on 2 CD cases last night and I fear that SUM 41 'All Killer No Filler's' case may be a little broken. This is just too much stress when trying to slumber. I worried until the sweet release of REM sleep took me into it's clutches. Also, I don't like having an internal alarm clock that requires me to get up at 5:45 every morning! I've never got up that early ever, why now? Holy time warp Batman! Long story short, this is hard. Also, why are there not more slow claps? You know what I mean, the one person starts the slow clap as the bitchy girl gets hers handed to her by the geeky guy who's loved her forever even though she's been nothin but a ho to him, yet he believes his kind words written on some lavender scented paper but put into a regular envelope that is maybe pink or peach, all while standing in front of the entire graduating class celebrating their new found freedom yet not knowing that their life of entrapment has just begun. That slow clap.

Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday Desert Fox! Happy Birthday to You!

The Cutest Immigrant You Ever Did See!
Isn't she adorable! 21 years old now! Jailbait no Longer! Keep away you fiends!

Ipod Phone, I Hate Snow

I really don't like the Ipod phone commercial. Who walks around singing? Other than that girl at work who always sings country. Um, Melissa, country sucks and so do you.

I ~Heart~ Footie

I like saying heart instead of love. There it is, plain and simple. Wow, I feel better.

George Best... Simply the Best

Mark your calendars, November 25, 2005, we've lost the best footballer ever to play. For those of you not familiar with the greats, here are a few facts:

Date of Birth 22nd May 1946
Place of Birth Belfast
Position Winger/Forward
Best was the best thing to ever come out of Belfast, (with the exception of my dad), he scored 178 goals in 488 games played for Manchester United. He won European Footballer of the Year in 1968 yet retired terribly early in 1983. Georgie was the most popular celebrity in the 60's and was dubbed "The 5th Beatle." He went on to play many charity and friendly matches though out the early 90's until health problems plagued him. Clearly he was not of this world when he was taken today, George Best, the Best, ever.

Why?

Why did they make breakfast time to be this early??? Why???

Newf, and others

Well, I've done it, I've finally got another human being to appreciate, no, adore my righteous catch phrases and words. I like to make up words and apparently Newf likes to hear them. She's making a whole page devoted to my lovealbe quirky ad-libs. Oh yes my friends, I am appreciated in my own time. Too bad you weren't Michelangelo, too bad. Now, to assist you Newf, I've taken the liberty of listing all the words and what-nots onto this one post.

"Radical with a capitol ra"
"Bogus!"
"Solid!"
"Dudical!"
"Barney"
"Listen...Do you smell something?" - courtesy of The Ghostbusters
"Teacher- "What was that ruckus?" Brian- "What ruckus?" Teacher- "I heard a ruckus." Brian- "Can you describe this ruckus?" - courtesy of The Breakfast Club
"Slave Lake or (Insert town or city of your choice) is a skid mark on the underpants of Alberta"
There will be more to come, I'm just not all that thinkable tonight. I'll give it ago tomorrow. ~Laters!

Could I Really? Great. Kelly, Now With 20% More Rage

Today, as I sit here, just chillin, minding my own business, I get a alert from Yahoo. I have a new email? Sweet. Not so much. Apparently I can now borrow money for the lowest lending interest ever offered. Wow, I wasted my time for this? Great. Sure I'll borrow your money, right after I brush my teeth with my egg beater.

I hate stupid solicitations. I get called at home, flyers in my newspaper, we're all bombarded with commercials and now in my email inbox? That's just wrong. That really grinds my gears. Also, why do parents subject their children to rhyming names? Is it not enough that your identical twins share a room, clothes, classes and friends but their names are interchangeable? Sherri and Terri? Tracey and Stacey? Brad and Chad? Greg and Craig? So wrong. They even share a face, give the kids a break mum and dads, and give them a Kitkat.

Oh, happy early birthday B Rad. Are you 23 or 12? I can't tell anymore.

Joe Simpson: Marketing Genius

Quite simply put, Joe Simpson is a marketing genius. Not only did I buy the Jessica Simpson Christmas CD last year, but I now want to buy her new products. Her beauty line Desert, is calling my name. It's sweet sweet voice is all I hear when shopping for new lotion or lip gloss. I'm sick, I need help. Please won't someone help me???

My question is this: Is the song Hurt done by both Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails written by Cash or the Nails? I'm confused. I asked Jeeves and he didn't have a clear answer for me. That's what you get for asking a butler. This woman at work told me once that all butlers do is buttle. What? I realized that it was a joke but now I wonder why the word butler came to mean what it does. Oh good old Google, they got me the answer I so desperately need. Trent Reznor wrote the song. So Johnny did a cover of Nine Inch Nails. Nice! Take that B Rad! I was right! I think it's time you knew, I know all. Well, I know most.

I've now been told twice by 2 different totally unconnected people that when I use the word "buddy," I sound like a trucker. Well, I'll retire the word buddy, but I'm going back to dude, and if I hear you two say anything like, "Where's your surfboard?" or "Woah!" I will bust a cap. Oh yes, that's right, I will bust a cap. Yeah I said it, wanna fight about it?

Mamooshka!

Why can't you wear white after Labour Day? I was watching tv today and on a commercial the narrator said something cheeky about white shoes after Labour Day. I'm gonna Google it.

Ok, I'm back, and I've got an answer. I found a few but most sites cited temperature. Apparently because white reflects light and heat, wearing white would make you cooler in winter, and thus should be avoided. But others suggest the rule stems from a class issue. I don't know what to believe anymore. I mean if you can't believe everything you read on the internet, what's the world coming to?

While I was on Google's site I noticed that the L in Google was replaced with a poppy. I'm assuming because of Remembrance Day. That's just plain nice. I don't use the word nice and actually mean it. It's just one of those words that don't really mean anything. Like happy. One can be described as happy, or nice. Wouldn't exuberant or kind be a better description? I like learning new words. On Wednesday I learned what a Pharm Party is. What doesn't CSI teach us? I now know not to give my DNA or fingerprints to the police without a warrant and now what a Pharm Party is. Oh, for the young one's out there, just say no kids.

Swear Word: Level 5!

I went shopping today, I bought lots, I need none of it. But I heart shopping.
Charity bracelets, I'm a fan. I have 2. Yes I know, 2 is a bit extreme, but they're for great charities. Livestrong for Lance Armstrong's attempt to kick some cancer ass, and Think Pink for breast cancer. Earlier at WEM, I saw a group of preteen girls. All had about 6 rubber bracelets. I know the daft little rhyme about assuming, but I did it. I assumed they were for charity. I was soooo wrong! You buy them at the dollar store, and I'm gonna admit it. I said a level 5 swear.

I'm watching the pilot episode of the Sopranos. How the hell does Tony Soprano get all these mistresses?!? He's old and bald, yet he gets lotsa play. What an old word, mistress. When I think of a mistress I picture a pale 1930's woman with black curly hair, a mole on her left cheek, a fur caplet and a long cigarette stick thing. Kinda like Cruella DeVille. Woah, Cruella DeVille is like Cruel Devil. She is a mean hoe in the movies. Wow, Disney knows how to mess with ya.

Wonder oh Wonder oh Wonderbread Spreads

I've heard of the Wonderbread Rolls but I need all of Canada to experience a new kind of snack. I call it, the Wonderbread Spreads. Catchy no? Let me break it down for you.

Ingredients You'll Need:
~ 2 Slices of Wonderbread
~ 1 Knife
~ Butter or margarine
~ A Working Microwave

Take your bread, use your handy dandy knife to spread on your butter, pop them in the microwave for 10 seconds and voila! Wonderbread Spreads!

Now go forth kiddies and expand your horizons.

Grapsins???

Today, as I sit here eating a wonderful bit of chicken curry, I've discovered a hybrid fruit concoction. I call it the grapsin. It's a grape that was turned into a raisin and then turned back into a grape. The Grapsin. You see, once the grape was made into a raisin, (courtsey of Sun Ripe), it was destined to be forever a raisin. It's fate is forever changed once it's thrown into a curry. Truth be known, we didn't have any pineapple, hence the raisin substitution.

Kelly Locke: Total Genius

I used the word combative today. I am very proud of myself.

Queen of the Slaves! Well, I actually prefer Princess but Whatever.....

Well, here I am in Slave Lake, Alberta. Now I'm not saying this place is small, but when you've resorted to 2nd cousins, then it's time to move. I've seen more Cleatus and Brandines than I care to recall. I'm using the hotel's guest computer. It's down stairs. So this means if I get any words of wisdom or awesome thoughts for this happenin blog, I gotta jog downstairs, through the what seems like a mile long tunnel/hallway and wait patiently while buddy from Utah emails his entire parish. Not easy to do in pajamas. The feet in these things get dirty. The hotel front desk girl, Heidi, is ordering the nacho plate. Good choice Heidi. But she's said about 5 times that they need to be on the REGULAR TACO CHIPS. I think once it's put on a plate, they become nacho chips. But I could be wrong. I met a very nice policeman on Friday. His name was Const. McMillan. He was very nice, told me whats what as he handed me my ticket. Yeah, nice guy. Apparently at this hotel you have to tell the front desk what alcohol you want to purchase and they got get it for you. It's behind glass, just to taunt you. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be knowing that the hotel front desk girl, Heidi, now knows my beverage of choice. Not sure at all.

I'm confused by the whole "Halloween" thing. You all know what I'm talking about. October 31 is the day for the church lady to dress like a dirty whore. Oh yes friends, all 69 years of her poured into a slutty witch or skanky devil costume. Why is it ok? Why??? That's all the nuggets of intrigue I can muster for today.

So Sad, So Sad

I am saddened by what I heard on the radio tonight. While I was minding my own business, bopping along to the local radio station, a good radio station at that, a really good song came on. The song: Nothing Else Matters. The Artist: Metallica, normally. Oh kiddies, oh kids, I heard Metallica and Bif Naked sing the same song!, only they were spliced together in what I can only assume was supposed to be seamlessly. It wasn't, and it was horrible, and I really do mean horrible. It wasn't even the fact that she covered the song, I could handle that. I like covers as much as the next guy. And it wasn't the fact that it was spliced together, nor was it because Bif Naked's version was acoustic, but... But it was when she ad-libbed a chorus during Kirk's guitar rif. I know what some would think, "So what!?" Oh buddy, you obviously don't know how hard it is to play an intricate solo like that and make it seem effortless.

19:22 Still A Mystery

I'm not sure exactly when it all started but I have become one of those people. You know them, the ones who just keep buying stuff in case one day they might need it. Today, I became a card carrying member. My realization didn't come after looking at the 3 boxes in my closet filled with stuff from Ikea and Pier 1. Nor did it come from opening the boxes and looking at the black dishes that I think would go well with the square set of glasses that go very well with the 4 piece mirror that goes exceptionally well with the 3 grey lamps. No, it came when I found a picture frame that I had no idea existed. It was here all along, in my hall closet, amongst all the coats and shoes I wear often. It sat there in the bag, un-used, un-loved, un-know for ages. I, like any puzzled owner of such items, searched the bag for clues as to when and for what I would have bought such an item. At last! The receipt! Surely that would shed some light on this mystery! My clues are as follows:
Store ~ Home Sense
Date ~ April 07, 2005
Time ~ 19:22
Price ~ $13.00
Paid ~ Debit

{Insert crickets here}

I got nothing. Well, not nothing, a pink suede picture frame. I won't feel badly I'm sure even Sherlock would have trouble with this one. I wonder if we'll have weekly meetings.......

The Sobbing Heard Around The World

He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores! He Shoots! He Scores!

That my friends is what I heard watching the Ottawa ~ Toronto game last night. Now I can take a loss every now and then, but I do question this loss. Oh yes, my beloved team The Leafs had a humiliating 8-0 defeat. I don't blame you boys, no not you. I blame the new rules and the ref and lines men who'll call anything. Good grief! Domi can't sneeze without getting a penalty. I don't know how many power plays there were, but in the first 2 minutes of play Ottawa had one. I'm just saying, the new rules suck.

I'll try not to dwell on this but... In a movie or TV show, who is on the other end of the phone? I'm sure I've mentioned this before but I just can't wrap my mind around it. If the phone is dead and the actors are just pausing and then saying their lines, bravo! Give them an award! I'm not good on the phone with a real person on the other end! And then to have the editing room seamlessly splice it together! WOW! You fooled me guys, you fooled me.

Retirony

Bewitched, The Dukes of Hazard, Wedding Crashers, Alfie. Que the music! "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong. Can you tell me which thing is not like the other by the time I finish this song." BUZZ!
The correct answer is Wedding Crashers. Now that was a good movie. The others were not. Not only were they not good, they were double not good. What the hell is going on in Hollywood? When did this all begin? All this remaking old movies and tv shows. These movie producers need to be visited by a little friend I like to call originality. He's small, orange and is often accompanied by a small gremlin. Well maybe gremlin is not the right word, maybe hob-goblin?
Yesterday I went shopping to find a hat. Do you know how hard it is to find a simple olive green Fidel hat? WEM must have 30 stores having such items and I couldn't find one without a "vintage"tear, yellow stitching, or Nike "swish." Is it a swish or a swooch? I just don't know anymore. Also, how is ADIDAS and UMBRO supposed to be pronounced? I say Ah-dee-das and oom-bro, like I was taught to speak in europe. However, canadians love to correct me. Open your mind Canada, accept me for who I am and know me better man! I just wanna belong! Oh why won't you let me belong?!?

~Hybrid Theory~

Apparently Robin Williams wasn't the only one wanting to be Peter Pan in the movie "Hook." Director Steven Spielberg had a Voodoo curse put on him by Michael Jackson because the King of Pop wanted so badly to be Peter Pan. Wow, talk about issues. If only we had some way of knowing years ago that he was so weird. Oh wait, I do remember a court case about 12 years ago. But hey, I guess subtle clues are lost on most. Hey, what was Captain Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand? That's be sad if it was Hook. That's just willing it to happen. At least he's not Captain Syphilis or Captain Crabs! That's funny because he's a sailor and they eat crabs.
When did World Poker become such a huge thing? It's televised now and last night I saw the show "Full Contact Fishing." Really? Full Contact? I guess it was only semi contact before. What's that? Do I hear the gallop of the 4 Horse Men now? And if Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? Plus the Road Runner is all muscle, I can't imagine he'd get that much meat of him anyways. And why does stupidity run wild in cartoons? Since when does gravity not apply unless you realize you're not standing on the cliff anymore? All these questions, surely someone has the answers. ~Enter Napolean Dynamite~

Took The Midnight train Going Anywhere

Wow, it's been a while since my last post. As I sit here listening to Journey's classic Midnight Train I'm hit with the sudden realization that: A. I'm cold. and B. I've never ever dreamed of being any kind of Pro Athlete. Woah, that hurts the pride a bit. It's not up there with your mum telling 5 co-workers that you have to see all day, everyday the embarrassing story that you never wanted revealed, at the work lunch table, but it is above falling on the ice walking up to Rexal (which by-the-way was called Skyreach in my day) with every scalper and panhandler watching. Oh yes, there were panhandlers, oh and you just know that they have a network. How does the phone chain really go down with them anyways? You must have a payphone that you'd frequent. Nice, like a 555 number. Those really are the best. I always wonder who's on the other end of a 555 number when your favorite 30-something-actor-playing-a-20-something-character calls his peeps for a kegar. Also, who charges the cordless phones for a scene? The phones always light up and beep when dialing just like an actual phone. It adds to the realism of the show/movie. I know I'm always convinced it's real when Drew runs into the yard and bolts down the driveway with the murderer right behind her. Not only would I not run away because A. You have baseball bats, knives, and hammers inside your house but B. You know the layout better than any murderer who's cased the joint and barracading yourself in the attic works, note to self just pull the little cord up and voila! Instant safety! But I would stay and fight. I mean you're going to either die or kill your attacker. You'll die running but if you die fighting you'll at least get to know what it's like to slice and dice. Plus, murder in the name of self defense no longer becomes a crime. I may need to check that fact for you next time.

SOAD in deed!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!
Well kiddies, last night I had a very religious experience and I expect you all to do the same. Not only did I see the concert of a lifetime, I left my voice to echo through the halls of Rexal for all eternity. I need to say it, The System of a Down with Hella and The Mars Volta is the best show out there. That includes KoRn, Green Day, and Nickelback combined!!!

Hella, the first opening act was pretty good. Unknown but good. The Mars Volta, very friggin' double diggin' awesome and I was very impressed with their live performance. I don't think I need to tell you how fan-friggin-tabulous System of a Down was. I know I go through stages with bands but SOAD is now my favorite. Wow, I guess I need to send J.E.W. a "Dear John" or I guess a "Dear Jimmy" letter. Here goes:

Dear Jimmy:
Sorry Jimmy, but until I see you live, SOAD is my new favorite band. I must say they're bloody wicked! Best of luck in all your endeavors, Kelly

Gee, I feel better. Laters~

The End is Near, Very Near

Well, BB6 is almost over, now that my players are gone I could really care less who wins. Once Jedi Janie was evicted, I turned the t.v. off and went to bed.

The new Family Guy DVD is great. Stewie is really cool as an adult. Well, not actually cool but Stewie cool if you know what I mean. Oh and yesterday on the Bear they had callers try and guess who the voice was based on a clip from the show. People are soo friggin stupid. If you don't know at least the main characters then why bother dialing???!!! I don't get it. Desert Fox and I started yelling at the guy. He said stupid things like, "Uh, the guy's wife?" You bloody moron! He didn't even get Stewie! If I walked up to a blind junkie on Jasper Ave and yelled, "What the Duce!," he would totally get it. A blind junkie! What is the world coming to? I should call the bear and tear him a new one on the air. (the caller not the bear guy, whatever his name is)

Jon Header : Superstar

Well kids, I'm here to rock you like a...Hurricane doesn't seem appropriate. Maybe like a... a blade of yellow grass. Yeah, that works. Rock you like a blade of yellow grass!

I'm currently watching Raise your Voice starring Hillary Duff. She's not a terrible actress or singer it's just that she's not the best. The movie is actually ok, kinda good, I'd watch it again if nothing else is on. I got A Cinderella Story for christmas. It's very good. Chad Michael Murry is hot in a pretty boy kinda way. He's also not the best actor in the world but he's sure getting alot of work. Have you ever noticed that the weird comic relief in most teen movies is actually the coolest one. He's always the one you'd actually hang out with yet in the movies he's always portrayed as a loser? Is there really alot of work for these kind of guys? They look like they'd be picked last for dodgeball and picked on to high hell yet they have the confidence enough to become an actor. Do they really go to the casting calls that are looking for a hot young guy to be the male lead? Can you imagine that conversation? "Listen, you're not really right for this part but we do have a part for you. He's a loser who can't get a girl, dresses funny, is probably gonna get canned a few times for no good reason, and has very little lines. We're looking for a greaser and we think you'd be great for it!" "Uh, thanks?" Poor little guy.

I wonder if Haley Duff feels like the tool we all know her to be. She's riding to fame on her little sister's coat tails. I'm not really sure what goes on in her head when she tags along with Hillary? "Well, my sister acts so maybe I'll be good. Oh yeah, I'll totally be in Napoleon Dynamite! Oh yeah I can sing too! It's in my blood! My little sister has an album coming out, I can remake a song about teenage lesbianism with her! Awsome!" What a skud. My sister is a great cook but that doesn't make me feel that I could make a bloody Baked Alaska. Also, I find it hard to believe that B-Rad really can cook. He can barely walk and talk at the same time. (Sorry buddy, I've seen you try, you know it's true.) Guys with accents always get the girls. Also, in almost every american "I can save the world" movie the bad guy is usually british or german? Or just European? Or just not from america. It's like they expect us to believe that only outsiders don't like america, I guess we're to belive that there is no hate crimes coming from inside their country. And I've never understood what they call themselves a melting pot yet they claim to be diverse. Now I'm not the best scientist in the world but I do know if you put like 10 different things in a melting pot, they all mix together and loose a uniqueness. They become the same melted mess. Wow kinda makes you fear Dubya, I hope he's the only one. God help america if his brother runs, he'll probably get in then too. Hail to the chief...

Yeah, I really don't buy Reese Witherspoon as a doctor, I don't care how strait and flat her hair is.