Raise the Roof

Unless you're a church go-er, Sundays are not for you. There's nothing good on t.v. and for you who like to partay, nursing a hangover is high on your list. Boring! If you need me I'll be wondering around my yard searching for a rusty nail to prick my finger with. Maybe Tetanus is the excitement I crave.

Hey, maybe I'll make a slideshow...um...

Dinner For Two?

Um...did anyone else notice that the lady was eating her kid's food?

Let's Rock and Roll, or Something Like It

Who can forget Chef Aid of '99. There was Rancid, Elton John and Rick James...bitch.

I'm a no pulp kinda girl, you shouldn't have to chew your liquid refreshment. That being said...

I recently received an email from a friend of mine in BC. I haven't talked to her much as I'm cheap and don't want to pay for long distance. Why do people change once they move to the coast? They become hippies eating granola and sending tripe like this:

"Life is a stage and we are all actors playing our part in creating history. The future is anybody's guess. To right a wrong is what we should strive for and to give without expecting anything in return should be our religion."

...right. Did anyone else contemplate killing themselves while reading that? No, just me...damn...

This is F-ed Up

My day begins the same way every morning...and I like that. It gives me comfort to know exactly what the heck to expect for at least the first hour or so of my day. That includes stopping by my favorite coffee shop, seeing the same attendant, ordering the same thing (a bagel and White Chocolate Mocha), and paying the same amount...EVERY morning. However, I do not care for this trainee. I know everyone has to learn, but does she have to learn on my time? I barely have enough time to stop as it is. I enjoy sleeping till the last possible minute, brushing my wet hair in the car and changing into my work clothes when I 'm about to open the store. I do not like being late and I do not care for this new trainee making me get up early.

Holy crap, this site is freaking me out. This chicken, it's like a bedfellow kind of creepy. If you put in the word shit, it walks up to you. I'll tell you this, when it started walking at me, I actually leaned back and yelped.
http://freebies.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=freebies&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.subservientchicken.com%2F

Oh No I Didn't

I'm sitting here at home, I picked up my phone and I actually dialed "9" to get an outside line. I need serious help. That's it, I dream about work and now I act like I'm still there. No more, I'm reclaiming my life. Oh how I miss it so...

Jimmy, not Just a Truck

Today I learned a valuable lesson. A Jimmy is not just a sport utility vehicle that stops in the middle of the 95th Ave and 170th St intersection forcing me to slam on my breaks sending everything on my front seat to slam on to the floor at roughly 45 Kms/h. Not only did I have to hang up abruptly on Desert Fox but I swore more than a drunken sailor on shore leave in a bath house in Thailand. I must be the only driver in Edmonton who doesn't have my head you know where. It shouldn't take 25 minutes to get from 170th and 66th Ave to Stony Plain Road. Complete morons. If I was a cop, and you know I would, I'd pistol whip and Billy Club every stupid driver daft enough to start up their Kia Rio and drive it in front of me white knuckled and riding that brake like a mechanical bull. They'd better be religious because she'll need prayer after I finish with them. Now, this may sound harsh but you need to experience it to understand my rage. The only thing worse is when people call me at work and say, "Oh, are you working today?" No, I just show up for fun. Everyone say it with me FaD.

Stay Cool My Babies

Julia Stiles bugs me. More than Tom Green but less than vegetarians. They're so in your face and we're better than you attitude sucks. I was one for 7 years and let me tell you, if a vegetarian says they don't look down on meat eaters, they're lying.

Why did this "Yeah yeah yeah yeah" phenomenon start? Have we run out of words we can throw into songs? I say replace yeah with Teradactile or Chesterton and then you've got a number one hit.

This morning I awoke from my slumber annoyed and slightly pissed off at one of my co-workers because in my dream last night, he gave me ecstasy. The funny thing is, if I were every to take E, he'd be the go to guy. Am I the only one who thinks foreign languages sound very angry. I was listening to this girl talking to her friends and it sounded like she was laying into them. I wondered why someone would tear into someone at WEM in front of Edmontontonians and tourists gallore when she may have been telling them they look slammin or even fantabulous.

Dibs

I would not want to be an actor from the show "Cheers." I'd feel like a constant disappointment if I didn't know everyone's name. Now, if I went to a bar named Cheers, I would expect the bar staff to know my name. Perhaps they could keep a list of regular patrons. I've devised a system for them to ensure they learn all names of all said persons.
1. Have each barwench or barkeep take a memory boosting Ginkoba capsule at the start of every shift
2. Have a catchy nickname for each one. Maybe Drunky McNo Job, Sleazy O'Easy, maybe even Bitchy McTease

I personally would like to be Drunky McNo Job... Dibs

Yup

I really really really can't stand Debbie Travis.

Spice up Your Life

I'd like to take you back. Back to a simpler time, a time filled with innocence, promise and raw talent funneled into a single pop group. What's their name you ask? Why it's the Spice Girls. Don't even try to tell me you didn't sing along, or wear the shoes. And don't even try to tell me you never bought the candy, clothing, sunglasses, stickers, binders, cds and eventually the movie. Oh... just me? Damn it.

Dear Knowledge Whore; Sorry, My Bad

I'd like to post a correction for post numbered...let's say 117: Today's Letter is P is for Pancakes.

In my original post I cited that Tick~Tock made us Drunky McDrunks pancakes. As it turns out, The Knowledge Whore or "Chewy" actually took over when the ship was close to sinking. I'd like to say thanks and good save Chewy. I may not have remembered that you made them but I do remember the pancakes. Like an artist, your craft is remembered long after you. That's the sign of talent my friend, pure talent... Well done sir, you're a gentleman and a scholar... Well, maybe not a gentleman, or a good speller. Oh that's right, I went there. In a recent email you spelled 'clutter' as 'clutterr.' Yeah, that's right, you're not perfect! In yo face sucka! *Insert gasps here* Not only can you not spell but you can't proof read either! Oh how mighty and superior I feel right now. Not even Jesus himself could touch me now fool! Wow, I may have crossed the line there. Yes, in fact I did cross the line. I'm so far past it I can't even see the line, it's like a dot to me know.

Now, I'd like to repost that picture because it looks so freakin' fantabulous.

Jesus Got Back

I've found Jesus! I gotta give props to Brad for the find on this one. Yes, that's right, I've found Jesus. Each Biblical Action Figures is approximately 6 inches in height. Each figure is complete with a background play scenery printed on laminated paperboard, fit for hours of play. I chose the light skinned Jesus as he's all I know, however, if one were so inclined, you can pick brotha Jesus. I hear he's a much better dancer. Jesus and friends including Adam and Eve are smartly priced at $6.95 each. Perfect for the "traditional Christian families" who have 17 or 18 children. My only grief would be that there is no Joseph or Inn Keeper. I don't know about you but I'd like to see Joseph and the Inn Keeper throw down. "No rooms? Sleep in the stable? He's the son of god for Christs sake!" Joyous Rapture Batman!

For Jesus and other Biblical Action Figures visit http://www.trainupachild.com/cgi-bin/shopnow.cgi?ACTION=thispage&thispage=orig-figures.html&ORDER_ID=311299002

Holy Composer Batman!!!

eBay Item Number: 9519408099
What child's life would be complete without a Ludwig Van Beethoven Action Figure? That's right kids! Now you can own your very own mad man musician. Long before Elton John rocked his piano and bought $100,000.00 in flowers a day, there was Ludwig. Fantastic composer, crazy bitch. Not only would he serenade you with sweet melodies but he'd huck a chunk o' ham quicker than you could say yeah boyee!

THIS 5 1/2" TALL, HARD PLASTIC BEETHOVEN ACTION FIGURE HAS MOVEABLE ARMS AND LEGS, ALLOWING HIM TO SIT ON THE 1 1/2" PLASTIC PIANO BENCH INCLUDED. AND SINCE HE COULDN'T HAVE COMPOSED ALL THOSE MASTER PIECES WITHOUT A PIANO, THIS INCLUDES AN AMAZING FOLD-UP PIANO THAT YOU CAN PRINT OUT FROM THE INTERNET FOR FREE!! THIS FIGURE COMES ON A ILLUSTRATED BLISTERCARD WITH BEETHOVEN INFO ON THE BACK.

Wow, not only am I enthralled but I can't whip out my Visa quick enough. I really do think it was the free printable paper piano that sold me. If you'd like to buy this gem of a collectible, scroll over to eBay. I even got the item number for you. Just call me your friendly neighbourhood looker-outer for you. Now, the only thing to make my collection complete would be a Jesus Action Figure complete with crown of thorns and crucifix.

Poor Little Piggy

This little piggy goes to market..... Am I the only one who didn't realize that the piggy who went to market had a shotgun behind his head by noon? I was singing it to myself today when it hit me. Farmers have markets. They sell their goods at the market. The pig went to market. The piggy was the goods! Oh crap. Poor little piggy.

It really annoys me when people speak a different language in front of me. Am I the only person in the world who only speaks English? I'm annoyed by other's bi or even tri-lingual capabilities, they suck. No, that's not fair, it's me. I suck , I really really do.

Today's Letter is P for Pancake

I have to say it, Napoleon Dynamite is the best movie ever!!!!! I'm not ashamed to say that I admire his mad dancing skills. I am also not afraid to say that I learned the dance. Yes, I did sit in front of my TV, say to myself, "I want to learn that" and then do it. And let me tell you the joy I'm filled with every time I Ride the Snake or do the Polish Shuffle. Good times. The other night, the waitress overheard us talking about the movie and had the bartender, (who was crazy BTW) put "Just Dance" (the song from the dancing scene) on, if I wasn't half-way banjaxed, I totally would have done the dance. I did however Ride the Snake outside with the girls as we were getting "Air." That's code for M and S weedin it up and Bananny and TareBear blazing. I was shocked as hell to know that TareBear smoked. Gobsmacked when I heard that. Tick~Tock makes the best pancakes. G for good. I think I'm going to take our waffle maker to work. I really wanted one yesterday. I could have made one if I had my handy dandy waffle maker with my handy dandy syrup. The only draw back would be the cleanup. I just leave it at home and it's mysteriously gone next time I go to the kitchen. But at work, it's only me and Bananny. I don't think she'll cleanup after a waffle fiasco, don't think so.... The only thing better than pancakes is chocolate chip pancakes. Desert Fox makes good C.C. Pancakes. Sweet....

Jaywalking

I want to design road signs. I found this jem in Slave Lake, Alberta. It's a legitimate road sign, sweet. I like your hat...

I'm so Great

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Yup, just thought you'd like to know.

Dead Guy Juice...Yum

Workers in Szeged in the south of Hungary tried to move the barrel after they had drained it, only to find it was surprisingly heavy and were shocked when the body of a naked man fell out.
Now what kills me is that they filled bottles to take home with them. How desperate are you? Drinking dead guy juice? That's just wrong.

I'm sitting here watching the View as I'm too lazy to get the remote. These women ramble on and on about shit that doesn't really matter. Does the world really care about their opinions? I think not. And I doubt they all get along. I have learned that some women are catty. When I was fighting with my nemesis, my corner called me every time he pissed them off just to inform me. If I don't like someone, I'm not really gonna rally all my mates into hating him too. Except B Rad. I can't have my two nemesis being all buddy buddy. I just couldn't possibly. Oh, nice. The old women one the show are playing the age card with the young one. I hate that. I had a customer last night ask me if I was old enough to be in charge of "all that cash." Grr... That's it, the View is going away, I can't stand it.

Caution....Flying Apples

What the hell is wrong with kids? Some punk in Airdrie threatens to bomb his school. Great, another one of those psychos. What ever happened to no violent torments? When I was in school we used to throw food or rulers at the people we didn't like. I remember my buddy Digger pegging Andy L right in the head with a half eaten apple. Oh wow that was fun. It started this whole big food fight in the canteen. Oh that was fun, what a mess. If I had known B Rad then like I know him now, I would have pelted him with something, just for the fun of it. However, he was a grade above me so the pecking order would've be broken and there were dyer consequences for breaking the chain. It would have been worth it. I remember we took Lee-Ann P's shoes during gym class, filling them with Jello pudding cups and putting them back to watch. Oh that was soo mean but I still laugh when I think of it. You know, I really miss those days. You could do anything and not have to worry about being charged as an adult. Oh yes, the Young Offenders Act. I never personally broke the law, but it was nice to know that buffer between baby 'jail' and hard time was there. However, now that I'm of legal age, I think any kid who kills some one on a bus for example, should be charged as an adult. There's some country over there who lets the family of the victim decide how the guilty is going to die. I like that idea.

Yeah, and I'm Korean....Right

Edmonton in the summer is great. Soo many fantabulous concerts are going on this year. I'm pretty stoked for She Wants Revenge and S.O.A.D. Desert Fox and I are soo going to both.

So I've pretty much not had a life these last few weeks. Other than yesterday, the last time I saw Desert Fox for more than 5 minutes was Friday the 14th, of April. That was my last day off. Oh my god, I'm turning into The Knowledge Whore. All he does is work. I didn't even see it coming. I had no idea, I had no warning or anything. This has got to stop. In other news, my nemesis and I are all cool, for now. Drunks really know how to work shit out. Ever since then we're good. Casanova seems to think this is all too weird but for now I'm optimistic that it'll last. It's just too tiring to hold a grudge, and all it did was make me miserable.

I watched a re-run of the Junos last night, I couldn't sleep and oddly at 3am, it seemed like my only option. Pamela Anderson did a terrible job. It's not really her fault though. Her taste includes the likes off Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Those guys are pretty skeezy and honestly, their music sucks. And she's as much Canadian as I am Korean. Watching her do the Junos was brutal, not pleasant and vicious. The two just don't mesh well, it'd be like... Tipper Gore hosting the BET Awards. Just not cool.....

Drunky McDrunk

I love drunk people, they're good times. I really don't know what was better, free drinks or watching those who consumed them ramble on and on about oil prices. Knowledge Whore was totally trashed and really did provide good entertainment. I would have to say that talking to your boss is totally better when they're blocked and spilling secrets. Good times.

This is Not a Boxing Ring

Blue and Brad:

My blog is not a boxing ring, you two don't need to get shots in against each other at every chance you get. Now, I'm not going to get into the middle of this but I will say this: Blue, Brad wins. He'd mop the floor with you. That's all I'm going to say. But if you two need to duke it out, Brad's got a blog too. The link is on my page. Under Brady McBrad's Blog.

Blue, That's Harsh

Blue, it's a little harsh to say that India is messed up. Just because some weird guy can grow hair on his ears and just because Frasier is a jerk, it doesn't mean that India sucks. Not cool man.

My Frasier

Everyone has a Frasier or a Newman if you will. I will call mine a Frasier because I don't really like Seinfeld. You all know what I'm talking about. That once person who makes your blood boil, picking every single thing you say apart, constantly piping in with his 2 cents not really noticing that it's neither wanted or appreciated. He knows everything yet knows nothing. A constant mind numbing ringing in your ears and an arrogance so profound it can be seen from space. Why say the word sure when you can say certainly. Hell, agree is soo mundane, nothing says class like the word concur. And if I have to listen to him ramble on about things that no one cares about but him, I just may hang myself with my bloody jacket.

A-Bomb...Right

I would like to make this clear: I support our soldiers not the war. I do not want another email regarding my post from 5-ish months ago. A-Bomb, let it go. And FYI, if you're going to call yourself "A-Bomb" don't use your real name to set up the account.

Oh Canada...Why do You Suck So???

It'd be nice if Canada did or had anything great. The oldest tortoise lived in India, the world's largest jacket was made in Kiev, Ukraine and the deepest underground nuclear explosion was south of Nefteyugamsk, Siberia, Russia. All we seem to do is make Maple syrup, (which isn't all it's cracked up to be, trust me, big disappointment) and have Policemen who ride horses in some musical parade. Now, I'll leave you with a tasty treat. Meet Radhakant Bajpai of Naya Ganj, Uttar Pradesh, India, who has hair sprouting from the centre of his outer ears (middle of the pinna) that measures a disgusting 13.2 cm (5.19 in) at its longest point. The length of the 50-year-old's pinna pelt(eww!) was confirmed by medical examiner Dr. R P Gupta.
"Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family," said Radhakant. "God has been very kind to me." Right... Radhakant, buddy... Are you sure you should really bring god into this? I'm thinking...no....

Poor Little Guy

Adwaita, who died on Wednesday in Calcutta, was apparently 250 years old. That's old. Now the zoo wants to carbon date his shell. You know you've made it when they want to carbon date you. Adwaita apparently arrived at the zoo in 1875. Zoo officials say he was one of four tortoises brought to India by British sailors from the Seychelle islands as a gift for Lord Robert Clive of the East India Company. I won't really get into why the British were there, let's just say it wasn't for a holiday. But that sucks, poor little guy. I wonder if he knew he was old. Do animals really have a perception of time?

Web Effects

Glass doll eyes freak me out, so do the Queen's eyes on old style bills. Her eyes stare at you and follow you with a dead haunting glare.

Farmer Love...Ick

Right. I love my friend Stampy, I do. But come on. Here's chain email I got:

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups, and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer.
And with that he let out a whistle. "Here,Dolly!"he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands." With tears in his eyes, farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

Ok, now, here's what's wrong with this story. No working farmer would humor some random kid. "Thirty five cents? Get the hell outta here kid." That's how that'd go. And is there anyone in this world who finds the fact that a child can't do math charming? I don't think so. I would be soo annoyed having to spend time explaining to some kindergarten drop out that 6 pennies doesn't buy a car. What adult would sell a kid a dog with no parents with him? Odds are you give the kid the dog and you get Jerry deadbeat dad knocking on your door at 3am 2 days later screaming and yelling while the kids crack-head stripper mum is in the car honking the horn and screaming how hungry she is. Most farmers drown the runt of the litter, and I have an idea that some eat them. Why let good meat go to waste? And how the hell did Forest Gump get to the farm anyways? Was he just hobbling down a dirt road hoping to have Daddy Warbucks find him and buy him a new leg? Hell, maybe he'll even learn to do housework! And I don't think farmers even have tear ducts. I'm pretty sure they dry up from years in the sun and having pesticide burning their iris'. And if a farmer starts talking to you about love, he's either a friend of Dorothy or married to his favorite cow Bessie and looking for a 'friend.'

And what about the empty promise at the end? Will I really get my wish at 3am if I send it to 3 people? Because if so, I'm going to suffocate under all that money I wished for.

Do I really have to blog about how much I despise chain emails again?

I Found East India

So I was spinning around at my local Atlas Depot when I stumbled across a very old map. And on that map I found the elusive East India. Knowledge Whore, Christmas has come early for you.

Uh Oh B Rad, I Told You This Would Happen

Look B Rad, your girlfriend is upset, I told you that your Romanian porn would come between you and Ruby. Look, she's been crying in her monogramed cloth hankerchiefs all day, and she even missed her nap and applesauce snack because of it. Now she's mad, she's out for blood. Looks like you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Haggis, Bagpipes and Nessy (How's That For a Title?)

Why do the bathroom mats have to creep all the way across the floor? You have to keep moving it back every day, or if you're lazy like me, just leaving it until you have to jump halfway across the room to wipe my feet and not fall and crack my bloody skull. I'm knackered enough getting up soo early, co-ordinating the whole hand eye thing when applying shampoo and not poking myself in the gums with my toothbrush. Now I have to play "The Floor is Lava" at 6 o'clock in the morning. And it doesn't seem to matter what size the mat is either, or if it's got grippy rubber things on the bottom, the stupid thing just seems to prefer it in the middle of the floor. Oh come on, I can't be the only one who sees this happening! I just can't be. And do Scottish people actually like Bagpipes? Do they, or are they just playing along because everyone else thinks they like them and it'd be weird if the Scottish didn't like them? I mean, I like Bagpipes as much as I like screeching howler monkeys picking away at my eye balls but they do set up the movie "Braveheart" quite nicely. The next time I talk to someone from Scotland or even someone a quarter Scottish, I'll ask him(or her). I just don't really know where I'd find one. It's not like they have special bars like us Irish. Mind you, we Irish will drink in the alley behind K-Mart filled with severed Kangaroo tails if the price is right. I wonder if I'll find a Scotsman not governed by his duty to his fellow country men to delve the depth of his soul, throw off the shackles of society and speak his truth. What ever it may be. I'd probably have to darken the room and agree to change his voice so he'll not be singled out by his peers. No one likes a whistle-blower. Just think what it'll do to Scotland as a whole. Kids will be crying in their Haggis and men wearing kilts will be suddenly aware of the naked ness and the Lochness Monster just might hide forever, filled with shame and sorrow. I can feel a Pulitzer prize for this soon to be indepth report. Now where the hell do the Scottish hang out?

Bad Mood Bear

Today I'm in a bit of a mood. I can't be annoyed to pretend to care about trivial crap that the rest of you live for. These small things are eating away at my soul. Stupid commercials, Cascade, Cabbage Patch Puppies, Carmex, all crap. Total crap. I hate commercials, if I wanted to be interrupted while watching TV I'd talk to that person. You know who, the person who'll find any excuse to chat while you're watching a program that's actually holding your interest. If I cared about the sodium content in Post Raisin Bran, I'd walk to the grocery store, pick up a box and become that pretentious a-hole who thinks he's better than everyone else because he knows what he's putting into his body. Just stop it you bald, glasses wearing freak. No one thinks you're cool, in fact we think you're a hard retard. Damn commercials. They're always louder than the TV show and the product they're pitching is not even remotely related to the audience. If I watch Ride Guide, I don't really care about Mr. Clean. Who the hell would pair up Ali G with Country Time Lemonade? A total retard that's who. I also now hate advertisers and the director of the commercials. Who the hell wants to be a commercial director? I can't imagine what the Film School reunion is like. "Oh yeah, I've directed 3 Lord of the Rings movies." "I've directed Titanic, what about you Bob?" "Oh yeah, I did the 3 Mr. Clean and last years' Yoplait commercials." Insert crickets here and nervous cough here. My goal is to rid the world of everything I hate.

I started a list of things I hate, it's pretty long, you know, it's amazing how I can funnel my rage into a list. I really didn't think it was possible but eh, here we go. I really do hate stupid commercials, advertisers, whining stupid kids, green beer, orange pants, people who can't take hints, people who give hints so subtle they're impossible to get, and then complain that people can't take hints. People who never give hints in the first place, and then complain that people can't take hints. who swear at me in a foreign language, people who don't respond in metric when I ask about temperature, distance, or volume because they know I don't know the imperial system. Those damn people who try to look and dress like their idols, especially. Kurt Cobain and Marilyn Manson, as if it's somehow going to make them cooler. Then the ones who try to look and dress like their idols, and wear T-shirts featuring the idol they're trying to emulate. I really hate salespeople who have no appreciable knowledge of the product they're selling, and those who try to fake it anyway. Computer geeks at HP who refuse to accept my diagnosis of the problem, even though I know twice as much as them. Conformists, (enough said), and then the "nonconformists" who conform to some nonconformist clique, nerd for whom Star Trek takes precedence over personal hygiene. Eww. Preachey ex-druggies with a mission. (Don't try to preach to me, I'm the one who was smart enough not to do drugs retard) People who give me presents so now I'm obligated to get them one in return, people who give me a present I already have, and now I have to pretend that I'm thrilled to get it, again. Plaid pants. Companies who try to make money off of dead celebrities by selling "commemorative" stamps and dishes and companies who try to make money off of dead musicians by releasing "greatest hits" albums every couple years, with pretty much the same songs on them every time. (Does 2Pac ring a bell???) People who drive slower than I do, people who drive faster than I do. People who pass me while I'm in the passing lane, people who don't signal until halfway into their turn and people who don't signal turns at all. When I'm at the highway and realize I forgot something at home, locking my car keys in my car, and also locking my house keys in my car. Stupid dogs like Poodles, Bichons, Chihuahuas, Yorkshire Terriers, Dachshunds, any other dog whose IQ is equal to its weight in kilograms and the owners who dress them up. People who narrate the movie as it's happening ("He's dead!", "Oh, now they're driving away!"), and the idiot who commands to the characters on the screen ("Say something!", "Don't go in there!"). Yeah, because they can hear you, stupid. People who laugh inappropriately at serious or horrific scenes (murders, rapes) and girls who cry loudly during the same scenes. The makers of the standard serving size of Kraft Dinner, who the hell can eat all that????? The Barenaked Ladies. "Adult Contemporary." Country music, Nana Mouskouri, Paul Brant, Elvis, Kevin Federline, Elvis (still), Yoko Ono but not because she broke up the Beatles, because she wore that stupid bowl hat and big glasses. Alicia Silverstone, Billy Baldwin, Ellen Degeneres, David Letterman, Steven Baldwin, the entire cast of Star Trek: DS9, Brett Butler, Grace Buttler, William Baldwin, and the Suggle Fresh Bear. I really hate The Smoggies, Sailor Moon, HeMan, The Rug Rats and that stupid cow Lydia from Beetlejuice. People who say "try and" instead of "try to," people who say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less". (If you could care less about something, then you obviously place some sort of value on it, now don't you?) Those people who say "all but" as if it were an intensifier instead of a negative. Listen, you people — "all but" means "everything except"! (If something was "all but destroyed", then it wasn't, repeat, was not destroyed!) People who talk about "human rights" when they're really talking about legal or constitutional rights and the people who talk about "human rights" when they're really talking about privileges. People who use "literally" as if it were an intensifier. ("Oh, when I saw what she did, my jaw literally hit the floor!") Oh really? I don't see any bruises on your stupid face, stupid. Signs that use quotation marks as if they were intensifiers, especially on signs promoting "free" drinks or "real" ice cream. Improperly used (or neglected) apostrophes, and when people write "your" instead of "you're". And the talking at the beginning or end of a song and the actors in the Downy Dryer sheets commercials. Aslo, the cartoon for Gain laundry soap and the girl's soccer team in the retarded Febreze commercial. TheAmericann who sued a doctor for giving him an emergencytracheotomyy in arestaurantt (which saved his life) and the judge who sided against the doctor.

Chuck Sucks

I watched "Enter the Dragon" last night and let me tell you, falling asleep during that movie gives you some trippy dreams. But Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w down the film so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm. Most actors can barely walk and talk at the best of times. I think I only watched the movie to reassure myself that yeah, I could do that. I'm positive I could block a few of those shots... I'm totally kidding, I know I'd get my ass busted. But I could take Chuck Norris. I know what to look for, I've seen "Walker: Texas Ranger." All he does is a roundhouse kick and he makes this squinty eyed frown thing as he's winding up. He ain't no thang. Oh good lord I need to stop watching that movie "Hunny." It's not even good but I watch it every time there's nothing else to watch. I should buy a book, save myself. After I watch that movie I use all these "Ghetto" phrases like 'check it,' 'it ain't no thang,' and 'hoodrat.' Oh god even I want to kick my ass. You get brainwashed, I swear. After I watch "Scream" I swear a lot and scowl a bunch more than I do now.

Animal Killers

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. We suck.

No Way

I heard today that Sharon Stone is staring in "Basic Instinct 2," great. I like sequels, I'm all up in that but come on, she's a lot older now and I'm not sure the world wants to see the uncross of the legs at a geriatrics age. I've got a few ideas, "Fight Club 2" I'm sure Brad Pitt will still be hot throwing his cane at Ed Norton or "Saturday Night Fever 2," with John Travolta limping with a bad hip to the dance floor only to be winded in 2 minutes and searching for his blood pressure pills. Good times, good times.

What Hammer? What Sickle? You Crazy!

Our Prime Minister's eyes freak me out. What is his deal? Does he not see how tricked out they are? How could he not? They look right at him in the mirror. It's like they're clear with a bit of food colouring in them just for effect. Ick.

You can't create a folder called 'con' in Microsoft Windows. Trust me, I tried. I dare you, try it. What a stupid thing, what not Microsoft??? Won't you let me live, Bill? Oh why won't you let me live? What if I was a parole officer and I had to create a folder for my emails. I'd like to be able to segregate between my law abiding friends and the cons that I parole. That'd be a sweet gig, just keep tabs on people. I wonder if you'd get some big boss glasses too. Oh, and a '76 Caddy Devile. That'd be sweet, especially if you could have a fish tank in the middle console. That's what modern cars are missing. Fish tanks and waffle makers. I can't tell you how many times my friends and I have been jonesing for a waffle but be darned, we can't find a waffle shack anywhere. Oh no my friends, not even an International House of Pancakes as a substitute. I can see a big market for in-car waffle makers. I should really patent that. I also want to buy a acre of moon land. It may not mean something to me now but when I'm thawed out 137 years from now, we may just vacation on the moon. I'd like to play golf on the moon, who wouldn't? Communists, that's who. Those ruskies, crazy ruskies.

Fuzzy Slippers...Gross

I've developed a complex because of a commercial. This woman is talking about her teeth feeling like fuzzy slippers and it's caused me to brush my teeth a lot more. I've decided to make 2006 "The Year of Teeth." I still brush the usual 2 times a day but now if I'm feelin it, I'll brush the third time. Oh yeah, I know what you're thinking, "3 times, big deal" but, I've managed to turn my brushing time into a contest of sorts. I try to match or beat my last time and I've even switched to manual to make sure I haven't given myself an unfair advantage. Tonight, I bought a tiny little toothbrush and a baby tube of paste to carry with me. This morning I was running late so I only brushed for 4 minutes but I'm hoping to soar to 7 or even 8. Good times.

The Oscars Really Do Suck

As I sit here, forced to watch the Oscars, I thought,of what I believe to be, the best 6 things to do at Wal-Mart and 3 awesome things to do at McDonalds.

Wal-Mart:
6) Put M&M's on layaway, and then pay off the layaway 50 cents at a time,
5) While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?
4) When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!
3) Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
2) When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?!
1) Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

McDonalds:
3) Order a Whopper.
2) Put a "Mc" in front of everything you say. Example:Excuse me, Mc-sir but could I get some Mc-salt with my Mc-fries.
1) Ask your server to stop intentionally insulting your race.

I need a life. And the TV remote.

Matt, Stop, Turn Around and Don't Come Back

Dear Matt:
I'm sorry you feel you were humiliated by a 22 year old. I know how demeaning it is for you as a 60 something and the end of your days while I still having a good time. Those good days for you are few and far between eh? I know, I know, you feel less like a man and more like a camel's rectum but keep you're chin up, wheel yourself over to that window, and spy on the neighbor's son while he sunbathes. Now, I'm not here to judge but, you do have a problem. Thanks for the email, it really did make my day, it's nice to see how you can loose control of more than just your bowels. It's always good to know I can effect the little people who really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your words were quaint, much of what I expect form a simple man of your caliber. Clearly you have some pent up anger, may I suggest Bull Fighting, No Holds Barred Kick Boxing or perhaps you could fly to Belfast, walk down the Shankill Road and spew the hateful, demeaning and demoralizing shit you so happily spew regardless of consequence? Anyways, those are just a few ideas, I hope they help. Please don't email me anymore, I couldn't possibly fake anymore interest in this little quarrel and please don't comment on my blog anymore, my readers really do think you're a tool. Thanks again for the interest but I'm really not interested, I don't like old men. I think it's either the formaldehyde smell or the little blue pills you're hell bent on about taking before popping in The Little House on the prairie DVD box set. Yeah that Michael Landon really was something eh? Oh and a heads up, the kids are on to your "Jesus Juice," they're getting smarter, a lot smarter. But then you knew that, because you know everything. I should wrap this up, you're Uncle Marty will be back soon to give you that homoerotic spanking you like soo much. Good luck and get bent.

Sincerely
Kelly

Phone Shop, Please

I like covers, and right now I'm digging Joey Ramone's "Wonderful World" cover. It's wicked. So, I hear System of a Down has a new CD out. My buddy told me I should down load it. Yeah, I'll get right on that, just let me feed my unicorn magic fairy dust and moonbeams first. Say it with me people "dial-up ." I guess it's not his fault I have dial up but damn it, it's someone's fault. I've narrowed it down to 3 guys. #1) The tall skinny Teatley Tea elf, #2) The creepy guy that's in love with Chris, the paper boy, #3) Tim Hortons

Why does all frozen pizza pop type food taste like albino rat dandruf? Would it kill them to make something good? Clearly it would. Oh and no one is buying the cute little dough guy routine, we all know he's middle aged perv who likes to be poked. Sick. And so not cool.

Oh and Casanova from #9, a phone shop doesn't work if I can hear my sister's voice in the background. Good try though.

Bono Ain't Got Nothin on Me ! ! !

I really do sound like Johnny Cash. I really do. You know, some day I may win a Nobel Prize for this talent and you'll all be sorry. I bet if you tried you'd sound more like Dorothy Hamel. Puleze! Amateurs.

Keep Your Hate to Your Self

Listen Mate
If you're an Canadian and you lived in a flat in Dublin for 2 years, (as compared to actually being from Dublin) you really have no idea what you're really talking about. You really have no business commenting that "Protestants have no business walking down O'Connell Street". You're a 3rd party looking in. Seems to me that this kind of statement is why troubles are still ongoing. Just because you hear something said on tv (or what you read in the papers), it doesn't mean it's right or should it be repeated. I'm not defending either sides but I will say this: Stop spreading the hate, with comments like that, that's all it is, hate. I hope you don't have children, stick with cats.

Learn to Dance With Napoleon....Yesssss

If you're like me you want to learn to dance like Napoleon. Our dream has come true.

www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/Napoleon

Toothy McTooth

Sheryl Crow does say "My friend the communist" in the song Soak Up The Sun, so yeah you're welcome mate, (insert shoulder shrug here) now don't say I never did anything for you.

Now, I was thinking what I would jettison into space if we all died to kinda prove that we all existed. At first I was thinking I'd just send up a computer with world history, but then I thought that they'd think we were friggen war loving savages and what if the computer ran out of battery while they were checkin it out and they didn't use plug in's anymore? Then I thought maybe something to do with math, like in that movie contact but I still think a little Lap Top would be awesome. So long story short, I can't decide what to send up.

I'm supposed to believe that Indiana Jones can ride a horse and lead 3 more behind him, yeah right. Hollywood, they have no faith in the intelligence of the audience. Neither do I.

So, a raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. But will it turn into a Grapsin? If confused see blog post: Thursday November 10, 2005 titled "Grapsins???"It will explain everything.

Hmm, I bit this muffin to see what it tastes like and now I'm kinda committed to eating it. Now, I would just give it to Behr but as you can see from the picture, Desert Fox went to pet her and she turned all fickin snarlly and toothy. That's soo not attractive Behr, just like that sour soul inside you.

I'm installing the Kodak Easyshare program again, but how much do I really agree with the terms and conditions of use? I should apply for a grant to research that. I could totally spend a year questioning how much I actually agree with that. Oh but one can only dream. I could even assemble a crack team of experts. Like someone who always agrees, someone who never agrees and someone terribly unsure and totally have a kickass debate. I'm all for that, I'd even allow betting on the debates. Maybe someone would take terribly unsure, yeah totally, I'd take a piece of that.

Mucus...Ick

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself...ick. That's one of those things that disgust but fascinate me at all at once. People are shocked by stupid things. Like today, it's snowing really wet snow and it's cold, yet drivers are shocked that they can't stop on a dime. That's like offering a crocodile a Catfish and being shocked that it took your arm as well. Those are both what Desert Fox and I would call, "Chocolate Sprinkles" moments. I see them all the time, and I've never been prouder that we're what decided to crawl out of the mud,(or were created by the "All Mighty"),or whatever you believe, (whatever, it's all good), I've just never been prouder. Is prouder even a word? Hold up, I'll check.

Ok, I'm back, that took like 15 minutes, I didn't find the word I was looking for because I got distracted. Did you know that you can't find words that rhyme with orange, radish, purple or silver? Well, let me tell you, I'm a bit wiser and I feel slightly better than you. Well, I feel a lot better than you but I ya know, it just sounds better.

This morning I filled up my putt putt Lennon, and the nice red black and purple haired kid at 7-11 did the creepy stare. Now, normally I'd look away, but this "punk" did the creepy stare extreme. Now, I'm no expert, but at 6:10 am, you really shouldn't do the creepy stare, let alone the creepy stare extreme. Now, to clarify, the normal creepy stare, the kind you'd likely get from the drunk guy peeing by the Safeway is usually no more than 15-20 seconds. The really creepy stare lasts 15-25 seconds, depending on the dedication of the stare-er. Now this is where it's tough: the creepy stare extreme can last anywhere from 25-67+ seconds. I had a 67 second stare. He was very dedicated, had I not needed to get to the gym before work, I would have waited until he admitted defeat. I could have stood there all day, my victory would have been well worth it. I feel saddened and slightly cheapened that I let him win soo easily. I'll get him, oh and I will get him.

Now, The Knowledge Whore, Desert Fox and I debated what to call you, we mutually decided on a name. I'll run it by you tomorrow before I make it official. I mean, I'd hate to spend all that money renting the hall and putting up streamers and having that 6 foot banner made. It's a bitch to get your deposit back 2 days before the ceremony. I picked this name because of his wisdom, his well channeled rage and his dancing skills, oh he's got mad skills. From 1 to 10, (now remember 10 being Napoleon),he's a 11.49. Not quite up to par but he's a'ight.

MacGyver Ain't Got Nothing On Me

I have to say, I am the MacGyver of parking. 3 different cars including a Beetle and a Mini tried to get into the same spot that I did. The only difference: I got in. Oh yeah! Here's an artist rendition of the event. If you're amazed or even slightly in awe of my awesomeness, you should be.

Oh Come On! It's Just Pineapple!

Apparently, if a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Wow, that's almost interesting. I don't know a single human being or canine who would find that interesting other than me. Now, I've never walked through a park and wondered why the horse has it's legs a certain way, but now that I know what I do, I will. I don't think there is a park in a hundred mile radius that has a man and horse statue. I know Rexal has a Gretzky statue but I don't think he's riding a horse. I think he's standing, well, to be fair, I've never really looked at it. I kinda just walk by it. It's like the statue of the man eating a hamburger at WEM, you just kinda walk by. I should take a picture of it today. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Oh, maybe we can do the tourist thing, taking pics of the whale and the dragon too. Yep, that's my afternoon planned. Well, that and seeing a gay cowboy movie. I swear, if I manage to ask the girl for Brokeback Mountain and not Bareback Mountain, it'll be a bloody miracle. Ever since Leno made that obvious joke, that's what I've called it every single time. I hope he's happy, driving his fire truck and all. Would that even be legal? Driving a fire truck if you're not a fireman? I wonder if the trucks ever get stolen. Like what kid didn't dreamed of having a fire truck? Well, other than girls.

I think we're also going to some African Cafe, ick. I bet it'll be gross. Like giraffe and lama sandwiches. Well, that's extremely dramatic but I am a picky person. There Stampy, are you happy? Yes you were right, I'm a tad picky, but Desert Fox is way worse than me. She doesn't even like pineapple, like come on! It's pineapple! You can barely taste it yet she makes me pick it off her pizza. Do you know how hard it is to get pineapple out of a grave of cold cheese? Oh yeah, it's tough. And then, once you think you've got it all, she takes a bite and you get the look. You know which one. The, what the hell is wrong with you, you can't do anything right, I should kill you on the spot but my car might die someday and I'll need to ride you into town, kinda look. Yep, that one. And who the hell would name it a pineapple? It doesn't taste like apple at all. And why can't you lick your elbow? That's just not fair.

Pink Power Ranger? Oh Yeah!

I found my helmet, I'm buying a bike this summer and I've found my helmet. I'm totally jazzed!

Make a Splint! Not a Hat!

It's true, the guy from the Alexander Keith's beer commercials was charged for holding child pornography. Wow, what will we do without the loud-mouthed thick, grey wool sweater and kilt wearer warning other bar patrons in an exaggerated Scottish brogue that they should not spill a drop of their Alexander Keith's ale. I mean, until I saw those commercials I thought beer was supposed to be spilled on random bar floors and that bottles couldn't get a broken neck. I've learned soo much from those commercials that I could quite confidently perform first aid on a bottle, broken neck and all. I know not to make a hat, but to make a splint. But yeah, I guess they'll be putting some distance between their beer and child porn. I say, good idea, others may not agree, but I say, good idea. So I guess Robert Norman Smith goes the way of Pee Wee Herman Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter.

You really are The Knowledge Whore.

Who's on the Who?

Tonight at work I learned many interesting things. I learned that a Gentleman's Club and a Strip Club are the same thing, also, there is no sex in the Champagne Room, in fact, most places don't even have a Champagne Room. Also, Crack Cocaine and Cocaine are different things, strippers really aren't working their way through school and most of them actually are skanks. There is no bum corner downtown just a pee corner and that the SPCA won't pickup a stray dog unless it's bleeding. Desert Fox got her nickname from some Army guy who drove tanks with brooms on the back to stir up dirt in the desert and that same guy's grandson rowed into a storm on the ocean and had to be rescued. Hitler forced people to kill themselves and Paul Newman used to be in movies and salad dressings are actually his secondary career and not the other way around. Meatloaf's lyrics tell a story, it's not just a song to sing to. The Infantry has really stupid people and really smart people, and the movie The Renaissance Man is very factual. And lastly, not just old people don't have middle names. Where you ask, do I get all this information, surely, I have multiple sources for this vast yet mostly useless knowledge, nope just one. My buddy trainer, The Knowledge Whore. I'm suppose to think of an awesome nickname for him but I like The Knowledge Whore for now. I will change that, but I need time. I want to convey his rage issues with the fact that he knows a lot of crazy shit and that his dancing is, on a scale of one to ten, 1 being Lance Bass from N*SYNC and 10 being Napoleon Dynamite, a 13.387. Oh yes, it's just that good. My favorite move: The Leg Kick. Oh no, it's no regular Michael Jackson thriller music video leg kick, it's better. It makes Jacko's move look like chicken vomit. So yeah, by Monday I'll have it.

Now, on to a matter close to my heart: Why is the word whore shortened to ho? Shouldn't it be who? But I guess if that were the case it'd be like who's on first but with skanks involved. Like "Who's that who?" "I dunno man but I heard that who gave a you know what to you know who!" "No way! What who? The who with the boots that she stole from the who who lives with the Calgary who?" "No, the who who has the Taco Bell who's number. You know, the who who gets paid with Tacos?" "Oh, that who." I can see the dilemma, I now see why the w was dropped, less confusing for all involved.

I just Goggled my buddy trainer and like 16+ entries were found. Buddy, you're totally famous. I Goggled myself and nothing came up, ouch, that hurts.

That Much Wood Eh?

You may need to sit down, and if you already are, I'd get a chair with a back on it, because this is gonna rock your world! I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks.

Average amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck in a given day: 230 butt cords of wood.

Median amount of wood a woodchuck could chuck in a given hour: 46 butt cords of wood.

Record high for woodchuck wood chucking of 6169 butt cords was attained on May 15, 1996 .

(NOTE: the above calculations take into account that woodchucks chuck no wood on February second, in observance of ground hog day.)

What the hell is a butt cord? I hope to god it's part of a tree. I've learned in my travels that a tree grows from the top, like if there is a fire in the forest, a tree will grow new branches and what not from the top. Cool eh? I wonder what that would be like, our heads would be huge, like really really huge. I guess we wouldn't feel it, probably no more than how our fingernails feel when they grow.

Eww, Eww

I'm sorry, but I have to say it, Mother Nature is a bitch. She's a glorified Kelly hating, skud faced bitch and I think her next meal should be the citrine corruption clasping from the excreting slot of a Fahdgian Dyagenob. Like come on! I was on my merry little way, overcoming this cold when the weather changed and now I'm snot-faced again. Eww, I know, I know. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I'm going to get her, today, I littered on the way to work, and I'll have you know, what I tossed was not bio-degradable. Ha ha! You wench!

Blondie McBlonde

Desert Fox got her hair dyed back to her natural colour. Thank god because I'm tired of sharing my hair colour with her. But now that blondie s back, she looks like a Mark Ryden painting.

Oh Wayne, You're Soo Not Worthy

To Wayne and Janet;
gambling is something people do to get easy money, and I know this maybe a shock but you have lots of money. You don't need illegal gambling. That's like giving a shoe a cupcake, it just doesn't need it. Now, that's all I'm going to say about it.

Damn 2nd Month

I hate the word February because of that r, what is it even doing there if it's not gonna be pronounced? I also hate liars. But I guess I expect too much.

Kelly's Emporium of Throw Back Words

You've heard of throw back jerseys, now introducing, throw back words. Have you ever wanted to impress your friends by using words that make you seem more intelligent, charismatic and worldly all in a matter of minutes? Well, I know I have so I'm bringing to you, "Kelly's Emporium of Throw Back Words." You'll find jems like Balderdash, Codswollop, Lollygag, Scallywag, Skedaddle and even Wittol. Drop them into everyday conversation, you'll be a hit in no time!

I watched a movie recently from the 1920's. I don't know what a jibb is but I don't like the cut of yours. And hootch, I like that one too.

Ah, That Train Top Fist a Cuffs!

Today, I was passed while I was in the passing lane and it ended up with me thinking about those train top fights that I see in those very realistic and factorial movies. It started out soo innocently. Picture this, me driving along the highway, minding my own business, when I'm passed by a green minivan driven by a soccer mom that's completely full of kids. Me! Passed by a minivan! While I was in the passing lane! Now don't get me wrong, I like minivans, I like kids, hell I even like the colour green, but come on! Then I started thinking, I should speed up, jump on the van, have a word with the driver, jump back to my car and continue on my commute. Now, I don't drive a convertible and I didn't have someone to set the cruise control and hold the wheel, and get me close, no wait, to far slow down not that slow, yeah, that's good, no too close, perfect don't move, driving while I jump out. Then I thought about the jump itself, I'd have to speed up, about a half a car length or more and then jump. Now, I don't think I'd be able to open my door going 110km/hour, and a van is taller than my car so I'll have to climb on top of my car. Now that's hard, climbing out my window and getting on the roof? It's slippery up there, plus the wind whipping my hair in my face, so I'd have to make sure to put my hair in a ponytail. Then, when I passed under an over pass I wondered if I'd be able to clear the underpass ontop of a van, but I totally could, a semi can pass under one, so yeah, I'm totally good. Semis are too tall to jump to, but a train is shorter than a semi trailer, so if I had to jump to any means of transportation, I'd pick a train. A train is totally easier, it can only go where the tracks are so no swerving to try to knock me off, and secondly, I'd be able to jimmy open one of those observation deck windows on those passenger trains. Next thing I knew, I was in Spruce, I didn't even notice the time.

Grandpa Munster

Al Lewis who played Grandpa Munster, has died. The Munsters was probably the best show ever to run on tv. Well, other than Blackadder. Yes, it's better than Coronation Street, Father Ted, The Vicar of Dibbly and Eastenders put together.

That's Why I'll Never Be a Sports Commentator

Desert Fox: "Are you watching the Super Bowl?"
Kelly: "No, I've got plans, I'm watching paint dry."

I just could care less about football, this is why I could never be a sports commentator. If I did, you'd never hear me talk about the game. I'd probably talk about everything but the game.

I was watching Shawn Of The Dead, and that movie is just hilarious! But the Zombies are like Zombies of the past, from movies like Night of The Living Dead, not like the scary ones we have now. Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later have superfast crazy Zombies with superhuman strength and the blink and you've missed it speed. I'm all for a species evolving but aren't they dead? How can the go from arms out staggering around to a screaming shrieking Olympic runners on speed who's also a bit bitey? I don't get it. If I was given the choice, I'd pick the slow Zombies, slow is better and I learned that if you act like one of them, they leave you alone. I'd survive. I also think I'd survive on a deserted island, I'm pretty good at building a fire and I could be a vegetarian again, I'm really ok with that. I'd have to bring my sister for company and maybe an animal trainer so we could have monkey butlers. And I'd build the coolest treehouse, I'd have a trap door and a porch and maybe a slide to get down, oh and I think I'd have the slide go into water, like a pool, or if I could find a pond, I'd build my treehouse around it that way I wouldn't have to dig a pool. That could take weeks especially if I had to make the shovels. That'd be fun, not having to work, party all the time, like a permanent vacation, good times.

Why Don't You Eat a Decroded Piece of Crap?!?

B Rad thinks my titles often have nothing to do with the content of my post. This one doesn't, and I really don't know where this title actually comes from. Oh that's right, B Rad's favorite movie, Napoleon Dynamite. He really does love this movie, he has action figures and really does aspire to be just like Napoleon. He even calls his brother Kip.

While watching Speakers Corner last night I had a thought. Why the hell would anyone ever come to this country? If I were going by Canadian television, I'd think the people of Canada were dim-witted, inbred, hunting low brow snaggle tooths. I would never come to this country. I would love to speak to the "on the scene" reporters and ask them what the hell they are thinking. Why would you pick the hick from the boonies about Canada's 2 tier health system??? Billy Bob's idea of healthcare is his auntie Bessie's rabies tonic and moonshine cough serum. Yeah, real reliable, and terribly accurate of the modern Canadian and of our ideas.

Tomorrow is my last day at work, I am dreading my alarm at 5:30 am. I vow that I will never get up that early ever again. It's sad to say it, but I will actually miss going to work at, well, lets just say it rhymes with Hal-Cart. And I will miss bickering with B Rad, and forever messing with his truck. That's really, really, awesome fun. I will, however, not miss B Rad's molester, The D.Q. or the Barn Yard Crew. I should scream freedom, all William Wallace like, when I swipe out for the last time. Yeah, maybe I should, but I am going to toss one steel toe shoe on Highway 16 and the other on Highway 16X. I'll add to the one shoe epidemic. No, wait, pandemic. Seriously, it's gripping the nation. I am forever seeing one shoe lying on the side of the highways. How do you keep walking after loosing one shoe. It's not like you don't notice. I'd notice the sharp rocks and rubber shreds and countles nails and glass. And who looses just one shoe??? Tomorrow I'll "loose" both, just one at a time. And I have to say, I am really looking forward to it. More than one should, it's really unhealthy. I should be worried.

I Can't Help It If I'm Fancy

I like to drink water from a pink martini glass and milk from a frapachino cup with it's adorable matching saucer. I mean it really is adorable. My mum makes a big deal every time I use either one. Apparently she has no room in her cupboards for my, and I quote, "useless shit." Wow, that hurts. Just because she's jealous that I happen to be fancy, awesome, and cultured. I can't help but notice she drinks water from a tall, clear, and boring glass. And that dog staring at me from across the breakfast table that just happens to be her coffee cup, ick. I can't help but notice that a cartoon dog is neither fancy, awesome, or cultured. And it's not like I have a dozen martini glasses, they're 2 glasses, they take up less room that 1 of her fricken dog mugs and my little frapachino set complete with a holder are tiny, they take up no room at all. She has soo many erks that I just can't keep up anymore. I seem to remember her freaking out because Desert Fox and I had "all" of the glasses in our rooms that the cupbard was bare, and at that she couldn't offer someone a glass of water, (I seem to remember looking at the "bare" cupboard and seeing more than a dozen glasses), so I bought my own. Hence the "problem" we're having now. Then my shoes that apparently took over the hall closet annoyed her, so she made me give all but 2 pairs to charity. Now I have shoe racks in my closet. So she can't complain about my shoes, yeah right, now it seems that I waste too much money on buying shoes that I don't need. Then it was that Desert Fox and I spent too much money going to see movies all the time, so I stayed home. Next it was that I spend too much time watching tv in my room, my answer was to spend more time out of the house at the gym and I occasionally go shopping after a wretched day at work, now she says I'm "out a lot." I should record our conversations, people would be in a state, I can hear it now, "You have the patients of a god," "Kell, you are soo calm compared to your mum, I don't know how you do it!" Me either guys, me either. Ok, I've ranted, I'm over it now. I'll just keep my martini glasses and frapachino set in my room, "What a decor you have Kell, kinda like a bar eh? Not even, it's a coffee bar"....

So Bush had his State of the Union address, he failed to mention that the union is seriously in debt, that the American dollar is at a record low and tention in Iraq is at an all time high, but yea! abortions are down! Way to focus on something crutial. Now I'm not gonna say if I'm yea or nea for abortions, but I would be more concerned about the death of troops and civilians overseas than a few unwanted pregnancies being terminated. Or that teenage pregnancies are down, come on Dubya, don't treat us like the retarded cousin that only gets to leave the house on Sundays provided we've been good all week, kept our room clean and had little or even no violent outbursts, we're not you George, we're actually intelligent. Well, most of us are, the one's who voted for you, well, the jury's still out on them. Mind you, who else was there to vote for? Oh that's right, anyone but you. I digress, I don't want angry emails. I should maybe take my email addy off here if I'm going to be soo smart.

Say it With Me, Warrant

I find it terribly hard to fake interest in someone else's kid. I don't think babies are all that cute. In fact, most babies look like those dolls, all the same. Even with family member's baby, even when I know both parents, I don't see that he has his dad's nose or his mum's eyes. And no, even if you point and tell me to look strait at her or on an angle, really really close or even standing on my bloody head, I don't see that she has her brother's attitude or demeanor. I just don't see it. Maybe the parents are just projecting themselves on this poor child, if she was adopted would you still say she has her dad's chin, no I really don't think so. When I look at my baby pictures I know it's me I'm looking at, not just because I have seen them a million times when my mum wants me to look at what she's looking at, not because I look like my mum or have my mum's eye colour or even my nose that is the same as my sister's only not as long, it's because I have a scar. Yes, I am like Scar from The Lion King, I have a scar that I got 1 minute before I was born, the one that the police have on file thanks to some child-find the school subjected me and other would be criminals to. And I know it wasn't just for child-find, it was to create a database of underage offenders that grow up to be adult criminals. If I only had known the word warrant when I was 7, if only.

General Duvet and Couch... Yeah

Yesterday, while I was typing an email at work to Stampy in Airdrie, I couldn't help but notice how great I was typing. I'm not normally a great typist, I'm always looking at the keyboard, but yesterdayI was in the zone. I only glanced down twice and my punctuation and spelling was wicked fantabulous. It was chilly and my fingers were cold, so, maybe that's my optimal atmosphere for oplympic style typing, perhaps this is why I only just discovered my immaculate talent until just now. I must say, I am the Joaquin Phoenix of typing. Now I could have said Wayne Gretzky or even John A. MacDonald but I like Joaquin Phoenix , I know a lot of people who like Joaquin Phoenix. His brother River was ok, I know that Johnny Cash liked Joaquin Phoenix and I hear that even Jon Heder likes Joaquin Phoenix . I saw him a few months ago on Conan O'Brien's show, so I think it's safe to say that yes, even Conan O'Brien likes Joaquin Phoenix. Now, who doesn't like Joaquin Phoenix? Only murderers and thieves, that's who. And your not a murderer or thief are you? So I'm the Joaquin Phoenix of typing, wow, I have to tell you, it feels, great, really great. I know you're jealous of my mad skills so we'll move on. Just remember, I am the Joaquin Phoenix of typing.

I still have my cold, Desert Fox gave it to me and I take great pride in knowing that I gave it to B Rad. He sounded really harsh yesterday. I however, was able to mask my symptoms. His fault was relying on Halls. Only Halls? Only Halls? You have to think of a cold as a war, you can't win it with empty Christmas wrapping paper tubes, (Halls), that'll be figured and adapted to quickly. You need to keep it guessing. I start my day with a shot of Buckleys, then follow up my glass of milk with a Dayquil tablet and pop another one at lunch, and I have Strepsils throughout the day. When I get home from work I take follow-up shot of Buckleys and some more Strepsils, they make my tongue numb but I can still talk and my thoat doesn't feel too bad, take that. I like to end my day battle with aNyquil nightcap. I get to bed early and sleep a good 7 hours and combat my enemy all over again the next day. You see B Rad, you must close the Martha Stewart website windows, put away the Laptop and go to sleep. This is why you sound like crap and I have a slight sore throat and barley a sniffle. Well, until today. I figured I was ok last night so I didn't take my Nyquil night cap and that's when I was flanked, as I slept, the enemy's army surrounded my camp and attacked. I was defenseless, my army in the kitchen playing cards or whatever they do on their downtime. But, I woke up, thought it was all good, I opened my one eye, coughed a bit but figured it was cool, then I tried to talk. Now imagine taking a fork and sticking it down your throat and scraping it a few thousand times, yep, that's it. And that's how I feel. I hate defeat. Oh but it's not over, I just need to regroup, just need to regroup, get in some reinforcements, maybe a few snipers called Benalyn and Sudafed and the generals, Duvet and Couch. It ain't over.

Boo-urns! Boo-urns!

Tories? Crap. That's all I'm going to say about the new war loving, homophobic, nosey, and terribly redundant government you've elected Canada. That's all I'm going to say because I didn't vote. Why didn't I vote? Because I could careless about who was elected, we're screwded Canada, we're totally screwed no matter who we voted in, also, I was at IKEA buying a book shelf and a tv stand I didn't really need. I also went to The Mongolie Grill on Jasper Ave, it was good, but more importantly, I convinced Desert Fox to buy a motorcycle, now I can get a discount when I buy 2 bikes. Nice. I was watching a re-run of Fallout Boy on Much On Demand. I don't understand the condition that's effecting celebrities. It's like they can't answer the question asked of them. They start to answer it, get distracted by a flashing light and totally go off topic. Why is it that people in this country can't speak? Have you ever listened to a famous personality speak? If yes, then you know that you can't understand what it is they are trying to say. It is all crap. The guy that runs the local convenience store, whom has only been in the country for four years mind you, can speak better broken English than they can. Hockey and Baseball players are the same, George Laroque said this after playing last week, "We gave one hundred percent, you know. We are just trying to like get back in the the swing of things you know. Like injuries are a part of hockey so you know we just tried to like stay healthy."

--------------------Insert Crickets Here-------------------------------

What the hell did he just say? Didn't this professional hockey player receive four years of college? Now I'm not the most educated person ever, I never took a college English or Speech class but, I'm pretty sure that the words "you know" and "like" should not predicate every four words in a sentence. It used to be only youngin's that spoke like that but, now everyone is doing it. I'm not sure but I think it started with the valleygirl speak: "I was like at the mall you know." Professional athletes then became infected and now even CEO's of companies have been infected with the disease. This nauseating practice has now spread throughout the entire country.It is absolutely frustrating listening to these people talk. They are everywhere. At work, on the television, on the radio, they permeate every facet of our lives. Why can't they put their thoughts into words? And for that matter, why do these pretentious a-holes think that I should know what they are trying to say? I wanna tell them "you are talking to me, how should I know what you are talking about?" Personally I blame a certain music television station for the wide spread symptoms of this disease. It I was more computer savvy I would include a clip that I heard on muchmusic so you could see what I mean. If it is so wide spread then how do we fix it? First, start with a grass roots campaign. If someone is talking to you in dumbass speak then tell them to stop and start over with complete thoughts this time. It will open their eyes to a problem that they did not know that they had, they will be forever grateful for it. Once they realize the absent minded habit that they have, they will start to notice others and correct them. It's like a circle of life. Now go forth and make Canada a better place for me to live.

Thanks Taco Town!

I'm really ok with making old things better. We used to walk everywhere, then we enslaved horses, then we didn't like riding the horses so we built carts, then we put motors in the carts and made glue out of our horses, and now we have cars. And back in the day, people used to cut their hair with a knife. I can only imagine the split ends that resulted, but then someone made the knife into 2 knives with handles and joined them at a pivot joint, they're now called scissors. See, things can be made better. Now you're probably thinking, "Tacos can't be made even better, right Kell?" Wrong. They can and Taco Town is here to show us how. Follow this link, it's going to change your life.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2304167489947666089&q=snl+taco&pr=goog-sl

Storage Room "D"

Chaz and Carrot Top were at work today. Sounds normal but they've both quit, Carrot Top back in the summer and Chaz back in November. They stopped by just to see if they're still remembered. It was Carrot Top's first visit but Chaz's 5th. Get a life guys. Get a life. They even sat in for the manager's 3pm meeting. That's sad. So sad. They're like Milton Waddams from the movie Office Space. The one who was let go but just doesn't get it. I've provided a link for a sound clip. http://www.bullshitjob.com/officespace/payroll.wav Yeah, they're like that. If you haven't seen the movie, you need to. Seriously, go, now. Look I appreciate the devotion but seriously, get up now, run to your nearest movie store, buy it (trust me, it's not a renter it's a buyer) , watch it and come back, I'll still be here. Well, now that you're back, imagine 2 Miltons wandering around making sure everyone remembers them. No Chaz, I don't have your bloody stapler.

I was going to mention the really stupid thing B Rad said today, but I'll leave that for another day. Maybe I'll be nice to him for a while, then when he least suspects it, Bam! Novacain and impartial! Yeah Boyee! Ok, I promise, that's THE last time I do that. At least on paper.

I Said Good Day!

How the hell do I owe Rogers $87.03????? I don't get it, I don't talk that much. I just don't get it. I bet it was the Flare magazine. It says only $1.00 an issue but there's probably some start up fee. There's always a start up fee. Or maybe it's the text messages every time the Leafs play. I mean it's only like 1 text like 3 times a week. B Rad says he only pays like $30 a month, how is that even possible? Well, I guess, I never see his phone, and he doesn't know that many people, and I guess he's home a lot. I guess it could only be like 30 bucks. Whatever, Rogers and I are not talking. I'm going to call tomorrow and raise hell. Maybe I shouldn't I might actually owe that, maybe it's a lot of day time minutes. Where's Catherine Zeta Jones when you need her? She's always going on about daytime minutes right? Whatever. And what the hell is a tuffett? I was going to write about B Rad and his brother Mikey and refer to them as Miss Muffett and the spider. And then I started thinking about a tuffett. I was told it was a stool but then why wouldn't they just say stool? I guess because it doesn't rhyme with Muffett. Then why not call her Miss O'Toole? It gets the same point across, she is a girl who sits on a stool, eats curds and whey, then there's a spider beside her she books it. Sounds good to me. I think I'll submit my modern re-write and see what Mother Goose has to say. probably "Honk!" seeing as she's a Goose! Why the hell does a Goose not have a graceful call? And what sound does a deer make? I see whistles in hunting sections of major department stores but I can't see a deer whistling. It just doesn't seem right. Kinda like a german-polish 45 year old computer processor with coke bottle glasses and lieder-hosen knowing what Britney and Kevin are up to. Just not right.

Today we had a visit at work from Shrek. Everyone hates and fears him yet they all kiss his ass. I didn't really notice how much the dm's are terrified by him until I saw B Rad in a total panic. His face, neck and ears were beat red, I'd never seen him like that. Wow, one man has the power to do that? I want that power. Making grown men stress like that, I'm soo there. Huh?

Someone just called my cell phone and didn't bother to leave a message! I am appalled! And you just know they listened to my non generic voicemail message featuring the boys from Billy Talent. How rude. No, you don't get to hear my voicemail message unless you leave a message, come on, I spent money on this thing and you're just going to hang up? As if! I would never! That's it, I'm too upset to bother! I couldn't possibly! I just couldn't possibly!

Now, in honour of Shrek and the power he weildes, I give you Shrek Green!

yeah....

I got nothing. That's all.

Picky Picky Picky

Apparently Wonder Bread Hot Dog buns are not good, he doesn't like them. B Rad, no wonder your mum only buys whole wheat, you're fricken picky. Totally fricken picky, if only you were that way with your outfits, oh yes, I went there.

Beam Him Up Scotty

I've had requests to change "Captain Goggles" name to "Crusty." From now on, he will be known as Crusty. Now I have a request, would who ever left Harry here beam him back up? He's blown his cover, we know he's not human. That is all.

Moxie's Scares Me

Last night at Moxie's I saw the biggest, wait the big biggest hair ever. On a guy. I tried not to stare and when I laughed, he saw and I feared for my life. Who knows what it could do, I don't think it's ever been studied. I've included a artist's rendition of the beast.

Hidden Valley Ranch

Salt, Pepper, Ranch. Yes, I'm saying it, Ranch should be the third seasoning. It's good with everything. Salad, potatoes, bugles, and yes, even chicken fingers. The only way to make Ranch dressing better? Add some jalapeno. Oh yes my friend, it now comes with jalapeno. Don't thank me, thank my good friends at Safeway. Should I give them a plug without being paid? Ah well, since it's almost still the holidays, I'll let it go.

Episode 01-10-06 "Captain Goggles Returns"

Today I was asked for like the 6th time, how my dad's surgery went, and what exactly did they (the surgeon) do? People, if you ask what the surgeon did, I'm going to tell you. Do play the game of "I wanna know but eww that's gross so don't tell me but yeah tell me I can handle it but eww no I can't but I still wanna know." I don't think you know how annoying that really, really is. And what kind of salt do they use on pretzels? Because it's great. I've tried just tasting table salt and it's not good, but the clear square of salt, good. That is all, I've got nothing. Maybe an episode of Captain Goggles returns to work tomorrow, will make for good blogin'. Till then, laters. Oh B Rad, I posted something for ya. Scroll down to the next post. Yeah, you're welcome.

Nation Security is a really stupid funny movie. Good times.

Ah, Wonder Crack

You are desitined not to have either one of these.

The Little Strawberry Men

Who would pay 30 dollars for a stupid bottle of Coca Cola? It doesn't really matter that it's 43 years old. Desert Fox offered me 20 bucks to drink the soda on the spot, ick. What would it even taste like? 43 years in a glass bottle, that'll put hairs on your chest. I can only imagine what grew inside there. Maybe there is a whole bacteria culture (unintended joke, culture!) living out their little lives. Whole generations. I wonder if they know the little men who live inside the strawberries.

Sel et Poivre

My team played B Rad's team. Needless to say, my team won. Barely but we still won. And I must say, it feels, pretty good. Also, I looked up where Yugoslavia and Russia are, not that close man. I've also learned Yugoslavia doesn't exist anymore. So, it seems I'm not stupid after all, you're gonna have to refrain from the normal verbal abuse I receive from you on a daily basis. And I am the victim, I'm never the antagonizer, at least, that's what I tell people.

Today, I'm going antiquing, yea. I don't get it. Why would you pay butt loads of money for old stuff? When does it become antique and not just out-dated? Who decides the dresser no one wants, gets upgraded from garage sale garbage to a pristine antiquity? I have an original gameboy. When will it be considered a antique? I wouldn't mind a chunk of change for it. But I guess until then it will remain junk. Useless junk. How sad.

When did Woody Harrelson get all this work? Every now and then he's in like 30 movies. When did this happen? And who names their kid Woody? Unless he wears cowboy attire and has a pull string in his back, no one should be named Woody.

It Expires? Damn...

B Rad, I talked to J.C. I pushed for a 100 year expiry date, I only got 80 with 57 years left. Apparently if I live past 80 I deserve to go to hell. My only consolation is that you'll be 81. Well, keep your fingers crossed.

I Think I'm Soo Funny...

No one knows how to annoy people like me. Especially when it's my family. An exceptionally when it's my sister. My favorite way, annoying her when she's really into a show or movie. Star Wars III is my favorite. My stupid questions leave her totally cheezed and me, completly ammused.

Repeatedly referring to the movie as Star Trek. At first, it was an innocent mistake but when she started getting annoyed, it was just funny.

When the Chancellor turned to whats-his-face-that-turns-into-Garth-Vader and said "I have good news", without missing a beat I shouted "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!" That's when I got the look. Yes, that look, the one soo cold your veins would freeze and shatter.

Asking why Captain Picard wasn't in there fighting with the force. But then answer myself by saying, "Oh yeah, these are before, I ment Captain Kirk, Why isn't he and Scotty there?" That's when I got the look.

Telling her R2D2 looked like a trash can on wheels, and that with the first 2 movies a big hit, you'd think he'd be all pimped out. Like how big was the budget, I thought Wes Craven was a better director than that. (Yes I know it was George Lucas but it's just that fun)

Good Times at SGCHS

2 days ago I saw 2 girls from my high school, I'll let them remain nameless, I'll call them girl one and girl two. They look the same, dress the same and they still hate me. I've said maybe 10 words to these girls my whole fricken life yet they've continued to hate me. Maybe I was naive thinking that high school is over, surely this is, but no, no it's not. Whatever is all I can say, they were bullies and will probably have bullies for children. My only question for them would be why they (bullies) continue to ask day after day, "what's your problem?" if clearly they are not going to solve it for me? Maybe I was having a bad hair day or my homework wasn't done, at last! Some one to help me with my problem! Nope, they just call you gay and giggle into their cracker trying to capture what's left of their self-loathing, hypocritical ego while suppressing the hatred for others' self acceptance. Ah high school. Good times.

Holy Google Batman!

I would just like to question why the word "blog" is spelled incorrectly according to Blogger's spell check. That's like Google telling you that "Google" is spelled wrong.

Holy Identity Theft Batman!

I think a local radio personality is stealing my blog ideas. A few months back I wrote about the "Edit Undo" feature for real life, now I see on his blog, the same thing. Well, this is new.

A Boy Named Sue

Blogspot.com needs to let me put sound bites on my little bloggie-boo. I must say, and I've said it a few times, you wait until 3am and ask me to sing "A Boy Named Sue" and I really do sing like Johnny Cash I really do. I am the best Cash impersonator. Which kinda kills real bad cause he was a man, but oh yeah, I'm gonna ride this magic carpet for as long as I can. But until blogspot.com allows sound bites, I'm gonna have to keep this little diddy to myself. In fact, this little diddy is soo amazing, other diddys want it's autograph. You know, if it signed a shoe contract, other diddys would be clamoring to buy them. Which is funny if ya think about it, seeing as diddy's don't even have feet. Well. Ain't that a kicker. Yeah, it is, right in the gullet. Yeah, even your great great grandma on your cousin Allen's wife's sister-in-law's uncle's third cousin twice removed would feel it. So write to your congressman or woman, and step up to the plate, root root root for what is good, yeah, what's good.
Woah, I should really re-think the green plaid, it's not flattering at all, but I am impressed with my cowlick. Nice. Real, real nice. Oh. Yeah. Nice.