Locksmith Eh?

I'll say it again, why does 7/11 have locks on their doors? Hey, why does our 24 hours branch have locks? I wonder if there are keys for it. There would have to be key, I think, yeah, there would. After not being used ever, would the keys even work? What if there was soo much dust and grit that should something happen like the 4 horsemen arrive, would they even work? What a kick in the pants that would be. Imagine you're buddy who has to lock the doors and you're fumbling with keys. Nice. You're dead, so, so dead. Imagine when they find your body, all wide eyed screaming and holding a key, that's embarrassing. Hey, if you had a really embarrassing injury, would you still go to the hospital? Like if you got stabbed in the ass by a rogue helper money while hanging from a tree branch, looking at the deformed yet mildly attractive (if she'd only wear a drool bib) neighbour. I know I wouldn't, well, I'd fabricate a story and get the details right in my head before I went. Those doctors can smell deceit, I'd have to have it pretty solid before I stepped foot in that hospital. I'd recomend you do the same.

The Three Musketeers

Wow, you three seem to have it under you hat. Not only do you not have your own blog but you harp on others' creativity and spew nothing but ignorance and slander. At times like these I ask myself, "What would his holiness do?" He some how makes it all better.

8 Mile? Naw, 9? Fo' Sho'

B Rad;

Man, I can't believe you did that to me, that's hella bootsy. We's supposed to be tight yo, letin' you roll up in my flossy-ass ride, vo for yo with my homs, not peepin when ya you playin' like yo a mac when you ain't nothin but a hood-rat splitin' skud. Yo act all gansta when you're really just a swanson. You better check it, Ese.

As for you, Policy Adjustment Accessory;

Your name is as whack as the dil piece you try to talk up. Bamma, go home and curl up with the latest Women's Weekly, shoot off some knuckle children and keep it on the DL. No need to lay all dat shit bare. You're lucky I'm all the way out in the cut. Hear me, I'll be Schmabbin’ next time you're ridin. And FYI, yo backpack is mega jankity, mega.

In closing, ya'll can shove it and get outta my grill cuz I ain't frontin', I'm more street than you can handle. We ain't cuzins no more, we aint even zucks. Wu Tang Mo' Fo's! Wu Tang.

Step Outside the Box... Suckaz!

I knew moving would be a hassle. Finding my stuff, packing my stuff and eventually unpacking it. God, what a bloody hassle. I really didn't count on my lazy factor. I just don't want to. The last thing I want to do on my day off is pack boxes. It's a total piss off. I think I've convinced Desert Fox to do it for me. Apparently all it'll cost me is $50. Now, which is stronger, my will to be ever so lazy, or my unbridled love for my money?

Hey B Rad,
Your mum called, she wants her life back.

In other news, I heard the best joke ever. I laughed for a long while. Next time you see Casanova, ask about the pizza joke. Hilarious with a capitol 'Heh.'

I Don't Eats Me Spinach

I just don't understand the cartoon Popeye. In know I've said it before and I'll say it again: it doesn't make sense. It's terribly annoying when other people, not Popeye, eat his spinach. Not only because it's theft and a guy's gotta eat but because they become strong. This should never happen and it's completely unrealistic, only Popeye and his immediate family should have this effect when downing spinach. If it wasn't then there would be no point in having a cartoon about him in particular because he would be no different than anybody else. And I don't watch cartoons about normal people who go to work 9-5 and who then have a leisurely supper followed by the evening news and then eventually bed. That's not entertainment. Wait, that's a bit harsh, it's not good entertainment. In other news, what an idiot.

Why You All Up in my Kool-Aid?

Hey B Rad:

Shove it.

That is all.

Wookie

I couldn't possibly fake interest in the Oilers. Everyday, some guy tries to make small talk at the counter and it's always, "Going out to watch the game?" I used to humor them, smiling and saying things like, "Go Oilers" or "Who isn't?" But there's always that one who starts talking about who scored what, who's gonna score what and who's gonna win what. That's where I cut him off. I love the look of pure unfiltered, seeping disappointment. If I can ruin just one person's afternoon, it's been a good day.

I caught about 10 minutes of one of the Star Wars movies yesterday. How the hell did Jaba the Hut wield soo much power? You've got to be kidding me, a little salt and Chewy's king. I did however discover a new word. I'm going to casually drop the word 'Wookie' into daily conversation. My plan isn't complete but the rough drafts calls for lines like, "That's soo Wookie, eh?" and "Very Wookie." I can see the big picture. Your children's children will be saying it. Just you wait.

Raise the Roof

Unless you're a church go-er, Sundays are not for you. There's nothing good on t.v. and for you who like to partay, nursing a hangover is high on your list. Boring! If you need me I'll be wondering around my yard searching for a rusty nail to prick my finger with. Maybe Tetanus is the excitement I crave.

Hey, maybe I'll make a slideshow...um...

Dinner For Two?

Um...did anyone else notice that the lady was eating her kid's food?

Let's Rock and Roll, or Something Like It

Who can forget Chef Aid of '99. There was Rancid, Elton John and Rick James...bitch.

I'm a no pulp kinda girl, you shouldn't have to chew your liquid refreshment. That being said...

I recently received an email from a friend of mine in BC. I haven't talked to her much as I'm cheap and don't want to pay for long distance. Why do people change once they move to the coast? They become hippies eating granola and sending tripe like this:

"Life is a stage and we are all actors playing our part in creating history. The future is anybody's guess. To right a wrong is what we should strive for and to give without expecting anything in return should be our religion."

...right. Did anyone else contemplate killing themselves while reading that? No, just me...damn...

This is F-ed Up

My day begins the same way every morning...and I like that. It gives me comfort to know exactly what the heck to expect for at least the first hour or so of my day. That includes stopping by my favorite coffee shop, seeing the same attendant, ordering the same thing (a bagel and White Chocolate Mocha), and paying the same amount...EVERY morning. However, I do not care for this trainee. I know everyone has to learn, but does she have to learn on my time? I barely have enough time to stop as it is. I enjoy sleeping till the last possible minute, brushing my wet hair in the car and changing into my work clothes when I 'm about to open the store. I do not like being late and I do not care for this new trainee making me get up early.

Holy crap, this site is freaking me out. This chicken, it's like a bedfellow kind of creepy. If you put in the word shit, it walks up to you. I'll tell you this, when it started walking at me, I actually leaned back and yelped.
http://freebies.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=freebies&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.subservientchicken.com%2F

Oh No I Didn't

I'm sitting here at home, I picked up my phone and I actually dialed "9" to get an outside line. I need serious help. That's it, I dream about work and now I act like I'm still there. No more, I'm reclaiming my life. Oh how I miss it so...

Jimmy, not Just a Truck

Today I learned a valuable lesson. A Jimmy is not just a sport utility vehicle that stops in the middle of the 95th Ave and 170th St intersection forcing me to slam on my breaks sending everything on my front seat to slam on to the floor at roughly 45 Kms/h. Not only did I have to hang up abruptly on Desert Fox but I swore more than a drunken sailor on shore leave in a bath house in Thailand. I must be the only driver in Edmonton who doesn't have my head you know where. It shouldn't take 25 minutes to get from 170th and 66th Ave to Stony Plain Road. Complete morons. If I was a cop, and you know I would, I'd pistol whip and Billy Club every stupid driver daft enough to start up their Kia Rio and drive it in front of me white knuckled and riding that brake like a mechanical bull. They'd better be religious because she'll need prayer after I finish with them. Now, this may sound harsh but you need to experience it to understand my rage. The only thing worse is when people call me at work and say, "Oh, are you working today?" No, I just show up for fun. Everyone say it with me FaD.

Stay Cool My Babies

Julia Stiles bugs me. More than Tom Green but less than vegetarians. They're so in your face and we're better than you attitude sucks. I was one for 7 years and let me tell you, if a vegetarian says they don't look down on meat eaters, they're lying.

Why did this "Yeah yeah yeah yeah" phenomenon start? Have we run out of words we can throw into songs? I say replace yeah with Teradactile or Chesterton and then you've got a number one hit.

This morning I awoke from my slumber annoyed and slightly pissed off at one of my co-workers because in my dream last night, he gave me ecstasy. The funny thing is, if I were every to take E, he'd be the go to guy. Am I the only one who thinks foreign languages sound very angry. I was listening to this girl talking to her friends and it sounded like she was laying into them. I wondered why someone would tear into someone at WEM in front of Edmontontonians and tourists gallore when she may have been telling them they look slammin or even fantabulous.

Dibs

I would not want to be an actor from the show "Cheers." I'd feel like a constant disappointment if I didn't know everyone's name. Now, if I went to a bar named Cheers, I would expect the bar staff to know my name. Perhaps they could keep a list of regular patrons. I've devised a system for them to ensure they learn all names of all said persons.
1. Have each barwench or barkeep take a memory boosting Ginkoba capsule at the start of every shift
2. Have a catchy nickname for each one. Maybe Drunky McNo Job, Sleazy O'Easy, maybe even Bitchy McTease

I personally would like to be Drunky McNo Job... Dibs

Yup

I really really really can't stand Debbie Travis.

Spice up Your Life

I'd like to take you back. Back to a simpler time, a time filled with innocence, promise and raw talent funneled into a single pop group. What's their name you ask? Why it's the Spice Girls. Don't even try to tell me you didn't sing along, or wear the shoes. And don't even try to tell me you never bought the candy, clothing, sunglasses, stickers, binders, cds and eventually the movie. Oh... just me? Damn it.

Dear Knowledge Whore; Sorry, My Bad

I'd like to post a correction for post numbered...let's say 117: Today's Letter is P is for Pancakes.

In my original post I cited that Tick~Tock made us Drunky McDrunks pancakes. As it turns out, The Knowledge Whore or "Chewy" actually took over when the ship was close to sinking. I'd like to say thanks and good save Chewy. I may not have remembered that you made them but I do remember the pancakes. Like an artist, your craft is remembered long after you. That's the sign of talent my friend, pure talent... Well done sir, you're a gentleman and a scholar... Well, maybe not a gentleman, or a good speller. Oh that's right, I went there. In a recent email you spelled 'clutter' as 'clutterr.' Yeah, that's right, you're not perfect! In yo face sucka! *Insert gasps here* Not only can you not spell but you can't proof read either! Oh how mighty and superior I feel right now. Not even Jesus himself could touch me now fool! Wow, I may have crossed the line there. Yes, in fact I did cross the line. I'm so far past it I can't even see the line, it's like a dot to me know.

Now, I'd like to repost that picture because it looks so freakin' fantabulous.

Jesus Got Back

I've found Jesus! I gotta give props to Brad for the find on this one. Yes, that's right, I've found Jesus. Each Biblical Action Figures is approximately 6 inches in height. Each figure is complete with a background play scenery printed on laminated paperboard, fit for hours of play. I chose the light skinned Jesus as he's all I know, however, if one were so inclined, you can pick brotha Jesus. I hear he's a much better dancer. Jesus and friends including Adam and Eve are smartly priced at $6.95 each. Perfect for the "traditional Christian families" who have 17 or 18 children. My only grief would be that there is no Joseph or Inn Keeper. I don't know about you but I'd like to see Joseph and the Inn Keeper throw down. "No rooms? Sleep in the stable? He's the son of god for Christs sake!" Joyous Rapture Batman!

For Jesus and other Biblical Action Figures visit http://www.trainupachild.com/cgi-bin/shopnow.cgi?ACTION=thispage&thispage=orig-figures.html&ORDER_ID=311299002

Holy Composer Batman!!!

eBay Item Number: 9519408099
What child's life would be complete without a Ludwig Van Beethoven Action Figure? That's right kids! Now you can own your very own mad man musician. Long before Elton John rocked his piano and bought $100,000.00 in flowers a day, there was Ludwig. Fantastic composer, crazy bitch. Not only would he serenade you with sweet melodies but he'd huck a chunk o' ham quicker than you could say yeah boyee!

THIS 5 1/2" TALL, HARD PLASTIC BEETHOVEN ACTION FIGURE HAS MOVEABLE ARMS AND LEGS, ALLOWING HIM TO SIT ON THE 1 1/2" PLASTIC PIANO BENCH INCLUDED. AND SINCE HE COULDN'T HAVE COMPOSED ALL THOSE MASTER PIECES WITHOUT A PIANO, THIS INCLUDES AN AMAZING FOLD-UP PIANO THAT YOU CAN PRINT OUT FROM THE INTERNET FOR FREE!! THIS FIGURE COMES ON A ILLUSTRATED BLISTERCARD WITH BEETHOVEN INFO ON THE BACK.

Wow, not only am I enthralled but I can't whip out my Visa quick enough. I really do think it was the free printable paper piano that sold me. If you'd like to buy this gem of a collectible, scroll over to eBay. I even got the item number for you. Just call me your friendly neighbourhood looker-outer for you. Now, the only thing to make my collection complete would be a Jesus Action Figure complete with crown of thorns and crucifix.