Andrew, It Doesn't Even Smell Bad

Who the hell comes up with these commercials? I don't care how long you've been married, no one, I mean no one would smell a shirt that's been worn for a 2 hour run. Like eww... I'm going through writer's block. Oh don't be afraid, I have plenty idea nuggets up in my noggin, it's just sometimes I don't have a computer at my ready when I think of them. So I have 2 options, I can A. try to remember my golden thought or B. write it down on anything available to me. There are problems on both horizons, my memory sucks so option A is out and I can't make heads or tails of my half thought out scribbles. You try:

Bittersweet- try to make a better one
Poker? Why not Joker? But there is a joker, try to rework
Aieee! commercial, lots of mud, why no dry dirt, climate change or easier to wash?

Yeah, I'm thinking the same thing. I'm retarded.
Wait...RETARDED

The Bwah Bwah Whanh Music

That crazy New Orleans funeral brass music is crazy! Why not play that everyday? Beacuse it's creepy, that's why. Also, why not dress up dogs? Because it's mean. Does Fido really like wearing a bee costume? Look at him, I think the snarling means no.

Tick Tock

Hey Desert Fox, a little tip. When you say you're gonna be somewhere, be there. Don't make someone wait for 30 minutes before getting pissed off, leaving thus forcing her to leave a snotty voicemail as she's walking to her car because she waited around for 30 minutes!

Townies, Not Just Informers

I don't know about you, but I find it takes a while to get back into things once you've been out of town for a while. I'm used to having my bed made and my room cleaned everyday. I got very used to having my clothes in a dresser( !!! ), my bathroom free of clothing and clean towels! Not only clean, but hung neatly on a towel rack! Oh no my friends, no picking off the floor for me! But now that I'm home I realize what a fricken mess I really am. I have footholes that guide me to my bed. I have to keep my bedside light on in order to make it to my bed in one piece, I stepped on 2 CD cases last night and I fear that SUM 41 'All Killer No Filler's' case may be a little broken. This is just too much stress when trying to slumber. I worried until the sweet release of REM sleep took me into it's clutches. Also, I don't like having an internal alarm clock that requires me to get up at 5:45 every morning! I've never got up that early ever, why now? Holy time warp Batman! Long story short, this is hard. Also, why are there not more slow claps? You know what I mean, the one person starts the slow clap as the bitchy girl gets hers handed to her by the geeky guy who's loved her forever even though she's been nothin but a ho to him, yet he believes his kind words written on some lavender scented paper but put into a regular envelope that is maybe pink or peach, all while standing in front of the entire graduating class celebrating their new found freedom yet not knowing that their life of entrapment has just begun. That slow clap.

Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday Desert Fox! Happy Birthday to You!

The Cutest Immigrant You Ever Did See!
Isn't she adorable! 21 years old now! Jailbait no Longer! Keep away you fiends!

Ipod Phone, I Hate Snow

I really don't like the Ipod phone commercial. Who walks around singing? Other than that girl at work who always sings country. Um, Melissa, country sucks and so do you.

I ~Heart~ Footie

I like saying heart instead of love. There it is, plain and simple. Wow, I feel better.

George Best... Simply the Best

Mark your calendars, November 25, 2005, we've lost the best footballer ever to play. For those of you not familiar with the greats, here are a few facts:

Date of Birth 22nd May 1946
Place of Birth Belfast
Position Winger/Forward
Best was the best thing to ever come out of Belfast, (with the exception of my dad), he scored 178 goals in 488 games played for Manchester United. He won European Footballer of the Year in 1968 yet retired terribly early in 1983. Georgie was the most popular celebrity in the 60's and was dubbed "The 5th Beatle." He went on to play many charity and friendly matches though out the early 90's until health problems plagued him. Clearly he was not of this world when he was taken today, George Best, the Best, ever.

Why?

Why did they make breakfast time to be this early??? Why???

Newf, and others

Well, I've done it, I've finally got another human being to appreciate, no, adore my righteous catch phrases and words. I like to make up words and apparently Newf likes to hear them. She's making a whole page devoted to my lovealbe quirky ad-libs. Oh yes my friends, I am appreciated in my own time. Too bad you weren't Michelangelo, too bad. Now, to assist you Newf, I've taken the liberty of listing all the words and what-nots onto this one post.

"Radical with a capitol ra"
"Bogus!"
"Solid!"
"Dudical!"
"Barney"
"Listen...Do you smell something?" - courtesy of The Ghostbusters
"Teacher- "What was that ruckus?" Brian- "What ruckus?" Teacher- "I heard a ruckus." Brian- "Can you describe this ruckus?" - courtesy of The Breakfast Club
"Slave Lake or (Insert town or city of your choice) is a skid mark on the underpants of Alberta"
There will be more to come, I'm just not all that thinkable tonight. I'll give it ago tomorrow. ~Laters!

Could I Really? Great. Kelly, Now With 20% More Rage

Today, as I sit here, just chillin, minding my own business, I get a alert from Yahoo. I have a new email? Sweet. Not so much. Apparently I can now borrow money for the lowest lending interest ever offered. Wow, I wasted my time for this? Great. Sure I'll borrow your money, right after I brush my teeth with my egg beater.

I hate stupid solicitations. I get called at home, flyers in my newspaper, we're all bombarded with commercials and now in my email inbox? That's just wrong. That really grinds my gears. Also, why do parents subject their children to rhyming names? Is it not enough that your identical twins share a room, clothes, classes and friends but their names are interchangeable? Sherri and Terri? Tracey and Stacey? Brad and Chad? Greg and Craig? So wrong. They even share a face, give the kids a break mum and dads, and give them a Kitkat.

Oh, happy early birthday B Rad. Are you 23 or 12? I can't tell anymore.

Joe Simpson: Marketing Genius

Quite simply put, Joe Simpson is a marketing genius. Not only did I buy the Jessica Simpson Christmas CD last year, but I now want to buy her new products. Her beauty line Desert, is calling my name. It's sweet sweet voice is all I hear when shopping for new lotion or lip gloss. I'm sick, I need help. Please won't someone help me???

My question is this: Is the song Hurt done by both Johnny Cash and Nine Inch Nails written by Cash or the Nails? I'm confused. I asked Jeeves and he didn't have a clear answer for me. That's what you get for asking a butler. This woman at work told me once that all butlers do is buttle. What? I realized that it was a joke but now I wonder why the word butler came to mean what it does. Oh good old Google, they got me the answer I so desperately need. Trent Reznor wrote the song. So Johnny did a cover of Nine Inch Nails. Nice! Take that B Rad! I was right! I think it's time you knew, I know all. Well, I know most.

I've now been told twice by 2 different totally unconnected people that when I use the word "buddy," I sound like a trucker. Well, I'll retire the word buddy, but I'm going back to dude, and if I hear you two say anything like, "Where's your surfboard?" or "Woah!" I will bust a cap. Oh yes, that's right, I will bust a cap. Yeah I said it, wanna fight about it?

Mamooshka!

Why can't you wear white after Labour Day? I was watching tv today and on a commercial the narrator said something cheeky about white shoes after Labour Day. I'm gonna Google it.

Ok, I'm back, and I've got an answer. I found a few but most sites cited temperature. Apparently because white reflects light and heat, wearing white would make you cooler in winter, and thus should be avoided. But others suggest the rule stems from a class issue. I don't know what to believe anymore. I mean if you can't believe everything you read on the internet, what's the world coming to?

While I was on Google's site I noticed that the L in Google was replaced with a poppy. I'm assuming because of Remembrance Day. That's just plain nice. I don't use the word nice and actually mean it. It's just one of those words that don't really mean anything. Like happy. One can be described as happy, or nice. Wouldn't exuberant or kind be a better description? I like learning new words. On Wednesday I learned what a Pharm Party is. What doesn't CSI teach us? I now know not to give my DNA or fingerprints to the police without a warrant and now what a Pharm Party is. Oh, for the young one's out there, just say no kids.

Swear Word: Level 5!

I went shopping today, I bought lots, I need none of it. But I heart shopping.
Charity bracelets, I'm a fan. I have 2. Yes I know, 2 is a bit extreme, but they're for great charities. Livestrong for Lance Armstrong's attempt to kick some cancer ass, and Think Pink for breast cancer. Earlier at WEM, I saw a group of preteen girls. All had about 6 rubber bracelets. I know the daft little rhyme about assuming, but I did it. I assumed they were for charity. I was soooo wrong! You buy them at the dollar store, and I'm gonna admit it. I said a level 5 swear.

I'm watching the pilot episode of the Sopranos. How the hell does Tony Soprano get all these mistresses?!? He's old and bald, yet he gets lotsa play. What an old word, mistress. When I think of a mistress I picture a pale 1930's woman with black curly hair, a mole on her left cheek, a fur caplet and a long cigarette stick thing. Kinda like Cruella DeVille. Woah, Cruella DeVille is like Cruel Devil. She is a mean hoe in the movies. Wow, Disney knows how to mess with ya.

Wonder oh Wonder oh Wonderbread Spreads

I've heard of the Wonderbread Rolls but I need all of Canada to experience a new kind of snack. I call it, the Wonderbread Spreads. Catchy no? Let me break it down for you.

Ingredients You'll Need:
~ 2 Slices of Wonderbread
~ 1 Knife
~ Butter or margarine
~ A Working Microwave

Take your bread, use your handy dandy knife to spread on your butter, pop them in the microwave for 10 seconds and voila! Wonderbread Spreads!

Now go forth kiddies and expand your horizons.

Grapsins???

Today, as I sit here eating a wonderful bit of chicken curry, I've discovered a hybrid fruit concoction. I call it the grapsin. It's a grape that was turned into a raisin and then turned back into a grape. The Grapsin. You see, once the grape was made into a raisin, (courtsey of Sun Ripe), it was destined to be forever a raisin. It's fate is forever changed once it's thrown into a curry. Truth be known, we didn't have any pineapple, hence the raisin substitution.

Kelly Locke: Total Genius

I used the word combative today. I am very proud of myself.

Queen of the Slaves! Well, I actually prefer Princess but Whatever.....

Well, here I am in Slave Lake, Alberta. Now I'm not saying this place is small, but when you've resorted to 2nd cousins, then it's time to move. I've seen more Cleatus and Brandines than I care to recall. I'm using the hotel's guest computer. It's down stairs. So this means if I get any words of wisdom or awesome thoughts for this happenin blog, I gotta jog downstairs, through the what seems like a mile long tunnel/hallway and wait patiently while buddy from Utah emails his entire parish. Not easy to do in pajamas. The feet in these things get dirty. The hotel front desk girl, Heidi, is ordering the nacho plate. Good choice Heidi. But she's said about 5 times that they need to be on the REGULAR TACO CHIPS. I think once it's put on a plate, they become nacho chips. But I could be wrong. I met a very nice policeman on Friday. His name was Const. McMillan. He was very nice, told me whats what as he handed me my ticket. Yeah, nice guy. Apparently at this hotel you have to tell the front desk what alcohol you want to purchase and they got get it for you. It's behind glass, just to taunt you. I'm not sure how comfortable I'd be knowing that the hotel front desk girl, Heidi, now knows my beverage of choice. Not sure at all.

I'm confused by the whole "Halloween" thing. You all know what I'm talking about. October 31 is the day for the church lady to dress like a dirty whore. Oh yes friends, all 69 years of her poured into a slutty witch or skanky devil costume. Why is it ok? Why??? That's all the nuggets of intrigue I can muster for today.