This is F-ed Up

My day begins the same way every morning...and I like that. It gives me comfort to know exactly what the heck to expect for at least the first hour or so of my day. That includes stopping by my favorite coffee shop, seeing the same attendant, ordering the same thing (a bagel and White Chocolate Mocha), and paying the same amount...EVERY morning. However, I do not care for this trainee. I know everyone has to learn, but does she have to learn on my time? I barely have enough time to stop as it is. I enjoy sleeping till the last possible minute, brushing my wet hair in the car and changing into my work clothes when I 'm about to open the store. I do not like being late and I do not care for this new trainee making me get up early.

Holy crap, this site is freaking me out. This chicken, it's like a bedfellow kind of creepy. If you put in the word shit, it walks up to you. I'll tell you this, when it started walking at me, I actually leaned back and yelped.
http://freebies.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=freebies&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.subservientchicken.com%2F

Oh No I Didn't

I'm sitting here at home, I picked up my phone and I actually dialed "9" to get an outside line. I need serious help. That's it, I dream about work and now I act like I'm still there. No more, I'm reclaiming my life. Oh how I miss it so...

Jimmy, not Just a Truck

Today I learned a valuable lesson. A Jimmy is not just a sport utility vehicle that stops in the middle of the 95th Ave and 170th St intersection forcing me to slam on my breaks sending everything on my front seat to slam on to the floor at roughly 45 Kms/h. Not only did I have to hang up abruptly on Desert Fox but I swore more than a drunken sailor on shore leave in a bath house in Thailand. I must be the only driver in Edmonton who doesn't have my head you know where. It shouldn't take 25 minutes to get from 170th and 66th Ave to Stony Plain Road. Complete morons. If I was a cop, and you know I would, I'd pistol whip and Billy Club every stupid driver daft enough to start up their Kia Rio and drive it in front of me white knuckled and riding that brake like a mechanical bull. They'd better be religious because she'll need prayer after I finish with them. Now, this may sound harsh but you need to experience it to understand my rage. The only thing worse is when people call me at work and say, "Oh, are you working today?" No, I just show up for fun. Everyone say it with me FaD.

Stay Cool My Babies

Julia Stiles bugs me. More than Tom Green but less than vegetarians. They're so in your face and we're better than you attitude sucks. I was one for 7 years and let me tell you, if a vegetarian says they don't look down on meat eaters, they're lying.

Why did this "Yeah yeah yeah yeah" phenomenon start? Have we run out of words we can throw into songs? I say replace yeah with Teradactile or Chesterton and then you've got a number one hit.

This morning I awoke from my slumber annoyed and slightly pissed off at one of my co-workers because in my dream last night, he gave me ecstasy. The funny thing is, if I were every to take E, he'd be the go to guy. Am I the only one who thinks foreign languages sound very angry. I was listening to this girl talking to her friends and it sounded like she was laying into them. I wondered why someone would tear into someone at WEM in front of Edmontontonians and tourists gallore when she may have been telling them they look slammin or even fantabulous.

Dibs

I would not want to be an actor from the show "Cheers." I'd feel like a constant disappointment if I didn't know everyone's name. Now, if I went to a bar named Cheers, I would expect the bar staff to know my name. Perhaps they could keep a list of regular patrons. I've devised a system for them to ensure they learn all names of all said persons.
1. Have each barwench or barkeep take a memory boosting Ginkoba capsule at the start of every shift
2. Have a catchy nickname for each one. Maybe Drunky McNo Job, Sleazy O'Easy, maybe even Bitchy McTease

I personally would like to be Drunky McNo Job... Dibs

Yup

I really really really can't stand Debbie Travis.

Spice up Your Life

I'd like to take you back. Back to a simpler time, a time filled with innocence, promise and raw talent funneled into a single pop group. What's their name you ask? Why it's the Spice Girls. Don't even try to tell me you didn't sing along, or wear the shoes. And don't even try to tell me you never bought the candy, clothing, sunglasses, stickers, binders, cds and eventually the movie. Oh... just me? Damn it.

Dear Knowledge Whore; Sorry, My Bad

I'd like to post a correction for post numbered...let's say 117: Today's Letter is P is for Pancakes.

In my original post I cited that Tick~Tock made us Drunky McDrunks pancakes. As it turns out, The Knowledge Whore or "Chewy" actually took over when the ship was close to sinking. I'd like to say thanks and good save Chewy. I may not have remembered that you made them but I do remember the pancakes. Like an artist, your craft is remembered long after you. That's the sign of talent my friend, pure talent... Well done sir, you're a gentleman and a scholar... Well, maybe not a gentleman, or a good speller. Oh that's right, I went there. In a recent email you spelled 'clutter' as 'clutterr.' Yeah, that's right, you're not perfect! In yo face sucka! *Insert gasps here* Not only can you not spell but you can't proof read either! Oh how mighty and superior I feel right now. Not even Jesus himself could touch me now fool! Wow, I may have crossed the line there. Yes, in fact I did cross the line. I'm so far past it I can't even see the line, it's like a dot to me know.

Now, I'd like to repost that picture because it looks so freakin' fantabulous.

Jesus Got Back

I've found Jesus! I gotta give props to Brad for the find on this one. Yes, that's right, I've found Jesus. Each Biblical Action Figures is approximately 6 inches in height. Each figure is complete with a background play scenery printed on laminated paperboard, fit for hours of play. I chose the light skinned Jesus as he's all I know, however, if one were so inclined, you can pick brotha Jesus. I hear he's a much better dancer. Jesus and friends including Adam and Eve are smartly priced at $6.95 each. Perfect for the "traditional Christian families" who have 17 or 18 children. My only grief would be that there is no Joseph or Inn Keeper. I don't know about you but I'd like to see Joseph and the Inn Keeper throw down. "No rooms? Sleep in the stable? He's the son of god for Christs sake!" Joyous Rapture Batman!

For Jesus and other Biblical Action Figures visit http://www.trainupachild.com/cgi-bin/shopnow.cgi?ACTION=thispage&thispage=orig-figures.html&ORDER_ID=311299002

Holy Composer Batman!!!

eBay Item Number: 9519408099
What child's life would be complete without a Ludwig Van Beethoven Action Figure? That's right kids! Now you can own your very own mad man musician. Long before Elton John rocked his piano and bought $100,000.00 in flowers a day, there was Ludwig. Fantastic composer, crazy bitch. Not only would he serenade you with sweet melodies but he'd huck a chunk o' ham quicker than you could say yeah boyee!

THIS 5 1/2" TALL, HARD PLASTIC BEETHOVEN ACTION FIGURE HAS MOVEABLE ARMS AND LEGS, ALLOWING HIM TO SIT ON THE 1 1/2" PLASTIC PIANO BENCH INCLUDED. AND SINCE HE COULDN'T HAVE COMPOSED ALL THOSE MASTER PIECES WITHOUT A PIANO, THIS INCLUDES AN AMAZING FOLD-UP PIANO THAT YOU CAN PRINT OUT FROM THE INTERNET FOR FREE!! THIS FIGURE COMES ON A ILLUSTRATED BLISTERCARD WITH BEETHOVEN INFO ON THE BACK.

Wow, not only am I enthralled but I can't whip out my Visa quick enough. I really do think it was the free printable paper piano that sold me. If you'd like to buy this gem of a collectible, scroll over to eBay. I even got the item number for you. Just call me your friendly neighbourhood looker-outer for you. Now, the only thing to make my collection complete would be a Jesus Action Figure complete with crown of thorns and crucifix.

Poor Little Piggy

This little piggy goes to market..... Am I the only one who didn't realize that the piggy who went to market had a shotgun behind his head by noon? I was singing it to myself today when it hit me. Farmers have markets. They sell their goods at the market. The pig went to market. The piggy was the goods! Oh crap. Poor little piggy.

It really annoys me when people speak a different language in front of me. Am I the only person in the world who only speaks English? I'm annoyed by other's bi or even tri-lingual capabilities, they suck. No, that's not fair, it's me. I suck , I really really do.

Today's Letter is P for Pancake

I have to say it, Napoleon Dynamite is the best movie ever!!!!! I'm not ashamed to say that I admire his mad dancing skills. I am also not afraid to say that I learned the dance. Yes, I did sit in front of my TV, say to myself, "I want to learn that" and then do it. And let me tell you the joy I'm filled with every time I Ride the Snake or do the Polish Shuffle. Good times. The other night, the waitress overheard us talking about the movie and had the bartender, (who was crazy BTW) put "Just Dance" (the song from the dancing scene) on, if I wasn't half-way banjaxed, I totally would have done the dance. I did however Ride the Snake outside with the girls as we were getting "Air." That's code for M and S weedin it up and Bananny and TareBear blazing. I was shocked as hell to know that TareBear smoked. Gobsmacked when I heard that. Tick~Tock makes the best pancakes. G for good. I think I'm going to take our waffle maker to work. I really wanted one yesterday. I could have made one if I had my handy dandy waffle maker with my handy dandy syrup. The only draw back would be the cleanup. I just leave it at home and it's mysteriously gone next time I go to the kitchen. But at work, it's only me and Bananny. I don't think she'll cleanup after a waffle fiasco, don't think so.... The only thing better than pancakes is chocolate chip pancakes. Desert Fox makes good C.C. Pancakes. Sweet....

Jaywalking

I want to design road signs. I found this jem in Slave Lake, Alberta. It's a legitimate road sign, sweet. I like your hat...

I'm so Great

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Yup, just thought you'd like to know.

Dead Guy Juice...Yum

Workers in Szeged in the south of Hungary tried to move the barrel after they had drained it, only to find it was surprisingly heavy and were shocked when the body of a naked man fell out.
Now what kills me is that they filled bottles to take home with them. How desperate are you? Drinking dead guy juice? That's just wrong.

I'm sitting here watching the View as I'm too lazy to get the remote. These women ramble on and on about shit that doesn't really matter. Does the world really care about their opinions? I think not. And I doubt they all get along. I have learned that some women are catty. When I was fighting with my nemesis, my corner called me every time he pissed them off just to inform me. If I don't like someone, I'm not really gonna rally all my mates into hating him too. Except B Rad. I can't have my two nemesis being all buddy buddy. I just couldn't possibly. Oh, nice. The old women one the show are playing the age card with the young one. I hate that. I had a customer last night ask me if I was old enough to be in charge of "all that cash." Grr... That's it, the View is going away, I can't stand it.

Caution....Flying Apples

What the hell is wrong with kids? Some punk in Airdrie threatens to bomb his school. Great, another one of those psychos. What ever happened to no violent torments? When I was in school we used to throw food or rulers at the people we didn't like. I remember my buddy Digger pegging Andy L right in the head with a half eaten apple. Oh wow that was fun. It started this whole big food fight in the canteen. Oh that was fun, what a mess. If I had known B Rad then like I know him now, I would have pelted him with something, just for the fun of it. However, he was a grade above me so the pecking order would've be broken and there were dyer consequences for breaking the chain. It would have been worth it. I remember we took Lee-Ann P's shoes during gym class, filling them with Jello pudding cups and putting them back to watch. Oh that was soo mean but I still laugh when I think of it. You know, I really miss those days. You could do anything and not have to worry about being charged as an adult. Oh yes, the Young Offenders Act. I never personally broke the law, but it was nice to know that buffer between baby 'jail' and hard time was there. However, now that I'm of legal age, I think any kid who kills some one on a bus for example, should be charged as an adult. There's some country over there who lets the family of the victim decide how the guilty is going to die. I like that idea.