Haggis, Bagpipes and Nessy (How's That For a Title?)

Why do the bathroom mats have to creep all the way across the floor? You have to keep moving it back every day, or if you're lazy like me, just leaving it until you have to jump halfway across the room to wipe my feet and not fall and crack my bloody skull. I'm knackered enough getting up soo early, co-ordinating the whole hand eye thing when applying shampoo and not poking myself in the gums with my toothbrush. Now I have to play "The Floor is Lava" at 6 o'clock in the morning. And it doesn't seem to matter what size the mat is either, or if it's got grippy rubber things on the bottom, the stupid thing just seems to prefer it in the middle of the floor. Oh come on, I can't be the only one who sees this happening! I just can't be. And do Scottish people actually like Bagpipes? Do they, or are they just playing along because everyone else thinks they like them and it'd be weird if the Scottish didn't like them? I mean, I like Bagpipes as much as I like screeching howler monkeys picking away at my eye balls but they do set up the movie "Braveheart" quite nicely. The next time I talk to someone from Scotland or even someone a quarter Scottish, I'll ask him(or her). I just don't really know where I'd find one. It's not like they have special bars like us Irish. Mind you, we Irish will drink in the alley behind K-Mart filled with severed Kangaroo tails if the price is right. I wonder if I'll find a Scotsman not governed by his duty to his fellow country men to delve the depth of his soul, throw off the shackles of society and speak his truth. What ever it may be. I'd probably have to darken the room and agree to change his voice so he'll not be singled out by his peers. No one likes a whistle-blower. Just think what it'll do to Scotland as a whole. Kids will be crying in their Haggis and men wearing kilts will be suddenly aware of the naked ness and the Lochness Monster just might hide forever, filled with shame and sorrow. I can feel a Pulitzer prize for this soon to be indepth report. Now where the hell do the Scottish hang out?