Phone Shop, Please

I like covers, and right now I'm digging Joey Ramone's "Wonderful World" cover. It's wicked. So, I hear System of a Down has a new CD out. My buddy told me I should down load it. Yeah, I'll get right on that, just let me feed my unicorn magic fairy dust and moonbeams first. Say it with me people "dial-up ." I guess it's not his fault I have dial up but damn it, it's someone's fault. I've narrowed it down to 3 guys. #1) The tall skinny Teatley Tea elf, #2) The creepy guy that's in love with Chris, the paper boy, #3) Tim Hortons

Why does all frozen pizza pop type food taste like albino rat dandruf? Would it kill them to make something good? Clearly it would. Oh and no one is buying the cute little dough guy routine, we all know he's middle aged perv who likes to be poked. Sick. And so not cool.

Oh and Casanova from #9, a phone shop doesn't work if I can hear my sister's voice in the background. Good try though.

Bono Ain't Got Nothin on Me ! ! !

I really do sound like Johnny Cash. I really do. You know, some day I may win a Nobel Prize for this talent and you'll all be sorry. I bet if you tried you'd sound more like Dorothy Hamel. Puleze! Amateurs.

Keep Your Hate to Your Self

Listen Mate
If you're an Canadian and you lived in a flat in Dublin for 2 years, (as compared to actually being from Dublin) you really have no idea what you're really talking about. You really have no business commenting that "Protestants have no business walking down O'Connell Street". You're a 3rd party looking in. Seems to me that this kind of statement is why troubles are still ongoing. Just because you hear something said on tv (or what you read in the papers), it doesn't mean it's right or should it be repeated. I'm not defending either sides but I will say this: Stop spreading the hate, with comments like that, that's all it is, hate. I hope you don't have children, stick with cats.

Learn to Dance With Napoleon....Yesssss

If you're like me you want to learn to dance like Napoleon. Our dream has come true.

www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/Napoleon

Toothy McTooth

Sheryl Crow does say "My friend the communist" in the song Soak Up The Sun, so yeah you're welcome mate, (insert shoulder shrug here) now don't say I never did anything for you.

Now, I was thinking what I would jettison into space if we all died to kinda prove that we all existed. At first I was thinking I'd just send up a computer with world history, but then I thought that they'd think we were friggen war loving savages and what if the computer ran out of battery while they were checkin it out and they didn't use plug in's anymore? Then I thought maybe something to do with math, like in that movie contact but I still think a little Lap Top would be awesome. So long story short, I can't decide what to send up.

I'm supposed to believe that Indiana Jones can ride a horse and lead 3 more behind him, yeah right. Hollywood, they have no faith in the intelligence of the audience. Neither do I.

So, a raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top. But will it turn into a Grapsin? If confused see blog post: Thursday November 10, 2005 titled "Grapsins???"It will explain everything.

Hmm, I bit this muffin to see what it tastes like and now I'm kinda committed to eating it. Now, I would just give it to Behr but as you can see from the picture, Desert Fox went to pet her and she turned all fickin snarlly and toothy. That's soo not attractive Behr, just like that sour soul inside you.

I'm installing the Kodak Easyshare program again, but how much do I really agree with the terms and conditions of use? I should apply for a grant to research that. I could totally spend a year questioning how much I actually agree with that. Oh but one can only dream. I could even assemble a crack team of experts. Like someone who always agrees, someone who never agrees and someone terribly unsure and totally have a kickass debate. I'm all for that, I'd even allow betting on the debates. Maybe someone would take terribly unsure, yeah totally, I'd take a piece of that.

Mucus...Ick

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself...ick. That's one of those things that disgust but fascinate me at all at once. People are shocked by stupid things. Like today, it's snowing really wet snow and it's cold, yet drivers are shocked that they can't stop on a dime. That's like offering a crocodile a Catfish and being shocked that it took your arm as well. Those are both what Desert Fox and I would call, "Chocolate Sprinkles" moments. I see them all the time, and I've never been prouder that we're what decided to crawl out of the mud,(or were created by the "All Mighty"),or whatever you believe, (whatever, it's all good), I've just never been prouder. Is prouder even a word? Hold up, I'll check.

Ok, I'm back, that took like 15 minutes, I didn't find the word I was looking for because I got distracted. Did you know that you can't find words that rhyme with orange, radish, purple or silver? Well, let me tell you, I'm a bit wiser and I feel slightly better than you. Well, I feel a lot better than you but I ya know, it just sounds better.

This morning I filled up my putt putt Lennon, and the nice red black and purple haired kid at 7-11 did the creepy stare. Now, normally I'd look away, but this "punk" did the creepy stare extreme. Now, I'm no expert, but at 6:10 am, you really shouldn't do the creepy stare, let alone the creepy stare extreme. Now, to clarify, the normal creepy stare, the kind you'd likely get from the drunk guy peeing by the Safeway is usually no more than 15-20 seconds. The really creepy stare lasts 15-25 seconds, depending on the dedication of the stare-er. Now this is where it's tough: the creepy stare extreme can last anywhere from 25-67+ seconds. I had a 67 second stare. He was very dedicated, had I not needed to get to the gym before work, I would have waited until he admitted defeat. I could have stood there all day, my victory would have been well worth it. I feel saddened and slightly cheapened that I let him win soo easily. I'll get him, oh and I will get him.

Now, The Knowledge Whore, Desert Fox and I debated what to call you, we mutually decided on a name. I'll run it by you tomorrow before I make it official. I mean, I'd hate to spend all that money renting the hall and putting up streamers and having that 6 foot banner made. It's a bitch to get your deposit back 2 days before the ceremony. I picked this name because of his wisdom, his well channeled rage and his dancing skills, oh he's got mad skills. From 1 to 10, (now remember 10 being Napoleon),he's a 11.49. Not quite up to par but he's a'ight.

MacGyver Ain't Got Nothing On Me

I have to say, I am the MacGyver of parking. 3 different cars including a Beetle and a Mini tried to get into the same spot that I did. The only difference: I got in. Oh yeah! Here's an artist rendition of the event. If you're amazed or even slightly in awe of my awesomeness, you should be.

Oh Come On! It's Just Pineapple!

Apparently, if a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. Wow, that's almost interesting. I don't know a single human being or canine who would find that interesting other than me. Now, I've never walked through a park and wondered why the horse has it's legs a certain way, but now that I know what I do, I will. I don't think there is a park in a hundred mile radius that has a man and horse statue. I know Rexal has a Gretzky statue but I don't think he's riding a horse. I think he's standing, well, to be fair, I've never really looked at it. I kinda just walk by it. It's like the statue of the man eating a hamburger at WEM, you just kinda walk by. I should take a picture of it today. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Oh, maybe we can do the tourist thing, taking pics of the whale and the dragon too. Yep, that's my afternoon planned. Well, that and seeing a gay cowboy movie. I swear, if I manage to ask the girl for Brokeback Mountain and not Bareback Mountain, it'll be a bloody miracle. Ever since Leno made that obvious joke, that's what I've called it every single time. I hope he's happy, driving his fire truck and all. Would that even be legal? Driving a fire truck if you're not a fireman? I wonder if the trucks ever get stolen. Like what kid didn't dreamed of having a fire truck? Well, other than girls.

I think we're also going to some African Cafe, ick. I bet it'll be gross. Like giraffe and lama sandwiches. Well, that's extremely dramatic but I am a picky person. There Stampy, are you happy? Yes you were right, I'm a tad picky, but Desert Fox is way worse than me. She doesn't even like pineapple, like come on! It's pineapple! You can barely taste it yet she makes me pick it off her pizza. Do you know how hard it is to get pineapple out of a grave of cold cheese? Oh yeah, it's tough. And then, once you think you've got it all, she takes a bite and you get the look. You know which one. The, what the hell is wrong with you, you can't do anything right, I should kill you on the spot but my car might die someday and I'll need to ride you into town, kinda look. Yep, that one. And who the hell would name it a pineapple? It doesn't taste like apple at all. And why can't you lick your elbow? That's just not fair.

Pink Power Ranger? Oh Yeah!

I found my helmet, I'm buying a bike this summer and I've found my helmet. I'm totally jazzed!

Make a Splint! Not a Hat!

It's true, the guy from the Alexander Keith's beer commercials was charged for holding child pornography. Wow, what will we do without the loud-mouthed thick, grey wool sweater and kilt wearer warning other bar patrons in an exaggerated Scottish brogue that they should not spill a drop of their Alexander Keith's ale. I mean, until I saw those commercials I thought beer was supposed to be spilled on random bar floors and that bottles couldn't get a broken neck. I've learned soo much from those commercials that I could quite confidently perform first aid on a bottle, broken neck and all. I know not to make a hat, but to make a splint. But yeah, I guess they'll be putting some distance between their beer and child porn. I say, good idea, others may not agree, but I say, good idea. So I guess Robert Norman Smith goes the way of Pee Wee Herman Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter.

You really are The Knowledge Whore.

Who's on the Who?

Tonight at work I learned many interesting things. I learned that a Gentleman's Club and a Strip Club are the same thing, also, there is no sex in the Champagne Room, in fact, most places don't even have a Champagne Room. Also, Crack Cocaine and Cocaine are different things, strippers really aren't working their way through school and most of them actually are skanks. There is no bum corner downtown just a pee corner and that the SPCA won't pickup a stray dog unless it's bleeding. Desert Fox got her nickname from some Army guy who drove tanks with brooms on the back to stir up dirt in the desert and that same guy's grandson rowed into a storm on the ocean and had to be rescued. Hitler forced people to kill themselves and Paul Newman used to be in movies and salad dressings are actually his secondary career and not the other way around. Meatloaf's lyrics tell a story, it's not just a song to sing to. The Infantry has really stupid people and really smart people, and the movie The Renaissance Man is very factual. And lastly, not just old people don't have middle names. Where you ask, do I get all this information, surely, I have multiple sources for this vast yet mostly useless knowledge, nope just one. My buddy trainer, The Knowledge Whore. I'm suppose to think of an awesome nickname for him but I like The Knowledge Whore for now. I will change that, but I need time. I want to convey his rage issues with the fact that he knows a lot of crazy shit and that his dancing is, on a scale of one to ten, 1 being Lance Bass from N*SYNC and 10 being Napoleon Dynamite, a 13.387. Oh yes, it's just that good. My favorite move: The Leg Kick. Oh no, it's no regular Michael Jackson thriller music video leg kick, it's better. It makes Jacko's move look like chicken vomit. So yeah, by Monday I'll have it.

Now, on to a matter close to my heart: Why is the word whore shortened to ho? Shouldn't it be who? But I guess if that were the case it'd be like who's on first but with skanks involved. Like "Who's that who?" "I dunno man but I heard that who gave a you know what to you know who!" "No way! What who? The who with the boots that she stole from the who who lives with the Calgary who?" "No, the who who has the Taco Bell who's number. You know, the who who gets paid with Tacos?" "Oh, that who." I can see the dilemma, I now see why the w was dropped, less confusing for all involved.

I just Goggled my buddy trainer and like 16+ entries were found. Buddy, you're totally famous. I Goggled myself and nothing came up, ouch, that hurts.

That Much Wood Eh?

You may need to sit down, and if you already are, I'd get a chair with a back on it, because this is gonna rock your world! I know how much wood a woodchuck chucks.

Average amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck in a given day: 230 butt cords of wood.

Median amount of wood a woodchuck could chuck in a given hour: 46 butt cords of wood.

Record high for woodchuck wood chucking of 6169 butt cords was attained on May 15, 1996 .

(NOTE: the above calculations take into account that woodchucks chuck no wood on February second, in observance of ground hog day.)

What the hell is a butt cord? I hope to god it's part of a tree. I've learned in my travels that a tree grows from the top, like if there is a fire in the forest, a tree will grow new branches and what not from the top. Cool eh? I wonder what that would be like, our heads would be huge, like really really huge. I guess we wouldn't feel it, probably no more than how our fingernails feel when they grow.

Eww, Eww

I'm sorry, but I have to say it, Mother Nature is a bitch. She's a glorified Kelly hating, skud faced bitch and I think her next meal should be the citrine corruption clasping from the excreting slot of a Fahdgian Dyagenob. Like come on! I was on my merry little way, overcoming this cold when the weather changed and now I'm snot-faced again. Eww, I know, I know. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, I'm going to get her, today, I littered on the way to work, and I'll have you know, what I tossed was not bio-degradable. Ha ha! You wench!

Blondie McBlonde

Desert Fox got her hair dyed back to her natural colour. Thank god because I'm tired of sharing my hair colour with her. But now that blondie s back, she looks like a Mark Ryden painting.

Oh Wayne, You're Soo Not Worthy

To Wayne and Janet;
gambling is something people do to get easy money, and I know this maybe a shock but you have lots of money. You don't need illegal gambling. That's like giving a shoe a cupcake, it just doesn't need it. Now, that's all I'm going to say about it.

Damn 2nd Month

I hate the word February because of that r, what is it even doing there if it's not gonna be pronounced? I also hate liars. But I guess I expect too much.

Kelly's Emporium of Throw Back Words

You've heard of throw back jerseys, now introducing, throw back words. Have you ever wanted to impress your friends by using words that make you seem more intelligent, charismatic and worldly all in a matter of minutes? Well, I know I have so I'm bringing to you, "Kelly's Emporium of Throw Back Words." You'll find jems like Balderdash, Codswollop, Lollygag, Scallywag, Skedaddle and even Wittol. Drop them into everyday conversation, you'll be a hit in no time!

I watched a movie recently from the 1920's. I don't know what a jibb is but I don't like the cut of yours. And hootch, I like that one too.

Ah, That Train Top Fist a Cuffs!

Today, I was passed while I was in the passing lane and it ended up with me thinking about those train top fights that I see in those very realistic and factorial movies. It started out soo innocently. Picture this, me driving along the highway, minding my own business, when I'm passed by a green minivan driven by a soccer mom that's completely full of kids. Me! Passed by a minivan! While I was in the passing lane! Now don't get me wrong, I like minivans, I like kids, hell I even like the colour green, but come on! Then I started thinking, I should speed up, jump on the van, have a word with the driver, jump back to my car and continue on my commute. Now, I don't drive a convertible and I didn't have someone to set the cruise control and hold the wheel, and get me close, no wait, to far slow down not that slow, yeah, that's good, no too close, perfect don't move, driving while I jump out. Then I thought about the jump itself, I'd have to speed up, about a half a car length or more and then jump. Now, I don't think I'd be able to open my door going 110km/hour, and a van is taller than my car so I'll have to climb on top of my car. Now that's hard, climbing out my window and getting on the roof? It's slippery up there, plus the wind whipping my hair in my face, so I'd have to make sure to put my hair in a ponytail. Then, when I passed under an over pass I wondered if I'd be able to clear the underpass ontop of a van, but I totally could, a semi can pass under one, so yeah, I'm totally good. Semis are too tall to jump to, but a train is shorter than a semi trailer, so if I had to jump to any means of transportation, I'd pick a train. A train is totally easier, it can only go where the tracks are so no swerving to try to knock me off, and secondly, I'd be able to jimmy open one of those observation deck windows on those passenger trains. Next thing I knew, I was in Spruce, I didn't even notice the time.

Grandpa Munster

Al Lewis who played Grandpa Munster, has died. The Munsters was probably the best show ever to run on tv. Well, other than Blackadder. Yes, it's better than Coronation Street, Father Ted, The Vicar of Dibbly and Eastenders put together.

That's Why I'll Never Be a Sports Commentator

Desert Fox: "Are you watching the Super Bowl?"
Kelly: "No, I've got plans, I'm watching paint dry."

I just could care less about football, this is why I could never be a sports commentator. If I did, you'd never hear me talk about the game. I'd probably talk about everything but the game.

I was watching Shawn Of The Dead, and that movie is just hilarious! But the Zombies are like Zombies of the past, from movies like Night of The Living Dead, not like the scary ones we have now. Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later have superfast crazy Zombies with superhuman strength and the blink and you've missed it speed. I'm all for a species evolving but aren't they dead? How can the go from arms out staggering around to a screaming shrieking Olympic runners on speed who's also a bit bitey? I don't get it. If I was given the choice, I'd pick the slow Zombies, slow is better and I learned that if you act like one of them, they leave you alone. I'd survive. I also think I'd survive on a deserted island, I'm pretty good at building a fire and I could be a vegetarian again, I'm really ok with that. I'd have to bring my sister for company and maybe an animal trainer so we could have monkey butlers. And I'd build the coolest treehouse, I'd have a trap door and a porch and maybe a slide to get down, oh and I think I'd have the slide go into water, like a pool, or if I could find a pond, I'd build my treehouse around it that way I wouldn't have to dig a pool. That could take weeks especially if I had to make the shovels. That'd be fun, not having to work, party all the time, like a permanent vacation, good times.

Why Don't You Eat a Decroded Piece of Crap?!?

B Rad thinks my titles often have nothing to do with the content of my post. This one doesn't, and I really don't know where this title actually comes from. Oh that's right, B Rad's favorite movie, Napoleon Dynamite. He really does love this movie, he has action figures and really does aspire to be just like Napoleon. He even calls his brother Kip.

While watching Speakers Corner last night I had a thought. Why the hell would anyone ever come to this country? If I were going by Canadian television, I'd think the people of Canada were dim-witted, inbred, hunting low brow snaggle tooths. I would never come to this country. I would love to speak to the "on the scene" reporters and ask them what the hell they are thinking. Why would you pick the hick from the boonies about Canada's 2 tier health system??? Billy Bob's idea of healthcare is his auntie Bessie's rabies tonic and moonshine cough serum. Yeah, real reliable, and terribly accurate of the modern Canadian and of our ideas.

Tomorrow is my last day at work, I am dreading my alarm at 5:30 am. I vow that I will never get up that early ever again. It's sad to say it, but I will actually miss going to work at, well, lets just say it rhymes with Hal-Cart. And I will miss bickering with B Rad, and forever messing with his truck. That's really, really, awesome fun. I will, however, not miss B Rad's molester, The D.Q. or the Barn Yard Crew. I should scream freedom, all William Wallace like, when I swipe out for the last time. Yeah, maybe I should, but I am going to toss one steel toe shoe on Highway 16 and the other on Highway 16X. I'll add to the one shoe epidemic. No, wait, pandemic. Seriously, it's gripping the nation. I am forever seeing one shoe lying on the side of the highways. How do you keep walking after loosing one shoe. It's not like you don't notice. I'd notice the sharp rocks and rubber shreds and countles nails and glass. And who looses just one shoe??? Tomorrow I'll "loose" both, just one at a time. And I have to say, I am really looking forward to it. More than one should, it's really unhealthy. I should be worried.