I Can't Help It If I'm Fancy

I like to drink water from a pink martini glass and milk from a frapachino cup with it's adorable matching saucer. I mean it really is adorable. My mum makes a big deal every time I use either one. Apparently she has no room in her cupboards for my, and I quote, "useless shit." Wow, that hurts. Just because she's jealous that I happen to be fancy, awesome, and cultured. I can't help but notice she drinks water from a tall, clear, and boring glass. And that dog staring at me from across the breakfast table that just happens to be her coffee cup, ick. I can't help but notice that a cartoon dog is neither fancy, awesome, or cultured. And it's not like I have a dozen martini glasses, they're 2 glasses, they take up less room that 1 of her fricken dog mugs and my little frapachino set complete with a holder are tiny, they take up no room at all. She has soo many erks that I just can't keep up anymore. I seem to remember her freaking out because Desert Fox and I had "all" of the glasses in our rooms that the cupbard was bare, and at that she couldn't offer someone a glass of water, (I seem to remember looking at the "bare" cupboard and seeing more than a dozen glasses), so I bought my own. Hence the "problem" we're having now. Then my shoes that apparently took over the hall closet annoyed her, so she made me give all but 2 pairs to charity. Now I have shoe racks in my closet. So she can't complain about my shoes, yeah right, now it seems that I waste too much money on buying shoes that I don't need. Then it was that Desert Fox and I spent too much money going to see movies all the time, so I stayed home. Next it was that I spend too much time watching tv in my room, my answer was to spend more time out of the house at the gym and I occasionally go shopping after a wretched day at work, now she says I'm "out a lot." I should record our conversations, people would be in a state, I can hear it now, "You have the patients of a god," "Kell, you are soo calm compared to your mum, I don't know how you do it!" Me either guys, me either. Ok, I've ranted, I'm over it now. I'll just keep my martini glasses and frapachino set in my room, "What a decor you have Kell, kinda like a bar eh? Not even, it's a coffee bar"....

So Bush had his State of the Union address, he failed to mention that the union is seriously in debt, that the American dollar is at a record low and tention in Iraq is at an all time high, but yea! abortions are down! Way to focus on something crutial. Now I'm not gonna say if I'm yea or nea for abortions, but I would be more concerned about the death of troops and civilians overseas than a few unwanted pregnancies being terminated. Or that teenage pregnancies are down, come on Dubya, don't treat us like the retarded cousin that only gets to leave the house on Sundays provided we've been good all week, kept our room clean and had little or even no violent outbursts, we're not you George, we're actually intelligent. Well, most of us are, the one's who voted for you, well, the jury's still out on them. Mind you, who else was there to vote for? Oh that's right, anyone but you. I digress, I don't want angry emails. I should maybe take my email addy off here if I'm going to be soo smart.

Say it With Me, Warrant

I find it terribly hard to fake interest in someone else's kid. I don't think babies are all that cute. In fact, most babies look like those dolls, all the same. Even with family member's baby, even when I know both parents, I don't see that he has his dad's nose or his mum's eyes. And no, even if you point and tell me to look strait at her or on an angle, really really close or even standing on my bloody head, I don't see that she has her brother's attitude or demeanor. I just don't see it. Maybe the parents are just projecting themselves on this poor child, if she was adopted would you still say she has her dad's chin, no I really don't think so. When I look at my baby pictures I know it's me I'm looking at, not just because I have seen them a million times when my mum wants me to look at what she's looking at, not because I look like my mum or have my mum's eye colour or even my nose that is the same as my sister's only not as long, it's because I have a scar. Yes, I am like Scar from The Lion King, I have a scar that I got 1 minute before I was born, the one that the police have on file thanks to some child-find the school subjected me and other would be criminals to. And I know it wasn't just for child-find, it was to create a database of underage offenders that grow up to be adult criminals. If I only had known the word warrant when I was 7, if only.

General Duvet and Couch... Yeah

Yesterday, while I was typing an email at work to Stampy in Airdrie, I couldn't help but notice how great I was typing. I'm not normally a great typist, I'm always looking at the keyboard, but yesterdayI was in the zone. I only glanced down twice and my punctuation and spelling was wicked fantabulous. It was chilly and my fingers were cold, so, maybe that's my optimal atmosphere for oplympic style typing, perhaps this is why I only just discovered my immaculate talent until just now. I must say, I am the Joaquin Phoenix of typing. Now I could have said Wayne Gretzky or even John A. MacDonald but I like Joaquin Phoenix , I know a lot of people who like Joaquin Phoenix. His brother River was ok, I know that Johnny Cash liked Joaquin Phoenix and I hear that even Jon Heder likes Joaquin Phoenix . I saw him a few months ago on Conan O'Brien's show, so I think it's safe to say that yes, even Conan O'Brien likes Joaquin Phoenix. Now, who doesn't like Joaquin Phoenix? Only murderers and thieves, that's who. And your not a murderer or thief are you? So I'm the Joaquin Phoenix of typing, wow, I have to tell you, it feels, great, really great. I know you're jealous of my mad skills so we'll move on. Just remember, I am the Joaquin Phoenix of typing.

I still have my cold, Desert Fox gave it to me and I take great pride in knowing that I gave it to B Rad. He sounded really harsh yesterday. I however, was able to mask my symptoms. His fault was relying on Halls. Only Halls? Only Halls? You have to think of a cold as a war, you can't win it with empty Christmas wrapping paper tubes, (Halls), that'll be figured and adapted to quickly. You need to keep it guessing. I start my day with a shot of Buckleys, then follow up my glass of milk with a Dayquil tablet and pop another one at lunch, and I have Strepsils throughout the day. When I get home from work I take follow-up shot of Buckleys and some more Strepsils, they make my tongue numb but I can still talk and my thoat doesn't feel too bad, take that. I like to end my day battle with aNyquil nightcap. I get to bed early and sleep a good 7 hours and combat my enemy all over again the next day. You see B Rad, you must close the Martha Stewart website windows, put away the Laptop and go to sleep. This is why you sound like crap and I have a slight sore throat and barley a sniffle. Well, until today. I figured I was ok last night so I didn't take my Nyquil night cap and that's when I was flanked, as I slept, the enemy's army surrounded my camp and attacked. I was defenseless, my army in the kitchen playing cards or whatever they do on their downtime. But, I woke up, thought it was all good, I opened my one eye, coughed a bit but figured it was cool, then I tried to talk. Now imagine taking a fork and sticking it down your throat and scraping it a few thousand times, yep, that's it. And that's how I feel. I hate defeat. Oh but it's not over, I just need to regroup, just need to regroup, get in some reinforcements, maybe a few snipers called Benalyn and Sudafed and the generals, Duvet and Couch. It ain't over.

Boo-urns! Boo-urns!

Tories? Crap. That's all I'm going to say about the new war loving, homophobic, nosey, and terribly redundant government you've elected Canada. That's all I'm going to say because I didn't vote. Why didn't I vote? Because I could careless about who was elected, we're screwded Canada, we're totally screwed no matter who we voted in, also, I was at IKEA buying a book shelf and a tv stand I didn't really need. I also went to The Mongolie Grill on Jasper Ave, it was good, but more importantly, I convinced Desert Fox to buy a motorcycle, now I can get a discount when I buy 2 bikes. Nice. I was watching a re-run of Fallout Boy on Much On Demand. I don't understand the condition that's effecting celebrities. It's like they can't answer the question asked of them. They start to answer it, get distracted by a flashing light and totally go off topic. Why is it that people in this country can't speak? Have you ever listened to a famous personality speak? If yes, then you know that you can't understand what it is they are trying to say. It is all crap. The guy that runs the local convenience store, whom has only been in the country for four years mind you, can speak better broken English than they can. Hockey and Baseball players are the same, George Laroque said this after playing last week, "We gave one hundred percent, you know. We are just trying to like get back in the the swing of things you know. Like injuries are a part of hockey so you know we just tried to like stay healthy."

--------------------Insert Crickets Here-------------------------------

What the hell did he just say? Didn't this professional hockey player receive four years of college? Now I'm not the most educated person ever, I never took a college English or Speech class but, I'm pretty sure that the words "you know" and "like" should not predicate every four words in a sentence. It used to be only youngin's that spoke like that but, now everyone is doing it. I'm not sure but I think it started with the valleygirl speak: "I was like at the mall you know." Professional athletes then became infected and now even CEO's of companies have been infected with the disease. This nauseating practice has now spread throughout the entire country.It is absolutely frustrating listening to these people talk. They are everywhere. At work, on the television, on the radio, they permeate every facet of our lives. Why can't they put their thoughts into words? And for that matter, why do these pretentious a-holes think that I should know what they are trying to say? I wanna tell them "you are talking to me, how should I know what you are talking about?" Personally I blame a certain music television station for the wide spread symptoms of this disease. It I was more computer savvy I would include a clip that I heard on muchmusic so you could see what I mean. If it is so wide spread then how do we fix it? First, start with a grass roots campaign. If someone is talking to you in dumbass speak then tell them to stop and start over with complete thoughts this time. It will open their eyes to a problem that they did not know that they had, they will be forever grateful for it. Once they realize the absent minded habit that they have, they will start to notice others and correct them. It's like a circle of life. Now go forth and make Canada a better place for me to live.

Thanks Taco Town!

I'm really ok with making old things better. We used to walk everywhere, then we enslaved horses, then we didn't like riding the horses so we built carts, then we put motors in the carts and made glue out of our horses, and now we have cars. And back in the day, people used to cut their hair with a knife. I can only imagine the split ends that resulted, but then someone made the knife into 2 knives with handles and joined them at a pivot joint, they're now called scissors. See, things can be made better. Now you're probably thinking, "Tacos can't be made even better, right Kell?" Wrong. They can and Taco Town is here to show us how. Follow this link, it's going to change your life.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2304167489947666089&q=snl+taco&pr=goog-sl

Storage Room "D"

Chaz and Carrot Top were at work today. Sounds normal but they've both quit, Carrot Top back in the summer and Chaz back in November. They stopped by just to see if they're still remembered. It was Carrot Top's first visit but Chaz's 5th. Get a life guys. Get a life. They even sat in for the manager's 3pm meeting. That's sad. So sad. They're like Milton Waddams from the movie Office Space. The one who was let go but just doesn't get it. I've provided a link for a sound clip. http://www.bullshitjob.com/officespace/payroll.wav Yeah, they're like that. If you haven't seen the movie, you need to. Seriously, go, now. Look I appreciate the devotion but seriously, get up now, run to your nearest movie store, buy it (trust me, it's not a renter it's a buyer) , watch it and come back, I'll still be here. Well, now that you're back, imagine 2 Miltons wandering around making sure everyone remembers them. No Chaz, I don't have your bloody stapler.

I was going to mention the really stupid thing B Rad said today, but I'll leave that for another day. Maybe I'll be nice to him for a while, then when he least suspects it, Bam! Novacain and impartial! Yeah Boyee! Ok, I promise, that's THE last time I do that. At least on paper.

I Said Good Day!

How the hell do I owe Rogers $87.03????? I don't get it, I don't talk that much. I just don't get it. I bet it was the Flare magazine. It says only $1.00 an issue but there's probably some start up fee. There's always a start up fee. Or maybe it's the text messages every time the Leafs play. I mean it's only like 1 text like 3 times a week. B Rad says he only pays like $30 a month, how is that even possible? Well, I guess, I never see his phone, and he doesn't know that many people, and I guess he's home a lot. I guess it could only be like 30 bucks. Whatever, Rogers and I are not talking. I'm going to call tomorrow and raise hell. Maybe I shouldn't I might actually owe that, maybe it's a lot of day time minutes. Where's Catherine Zeta Jones when you need her? She's always going on about daytime minutes right? Whatever. And what the hell is a tuffett? I was going to write about B Rad and his brother Mikey and refer to them as Miss Muffett and the spider. And then I started thinking about a tuffett. I was told it was a stool but then why wouldn't they just say stool? I guess because it doesn't rhyme with Muffett. Then why not call her Miss O'Toole? It gets the same point across, she is a girl who sits on a stool, eats curds and whey, then there's a spider beside her she books it. Sounds good to me. I think I'll submit my modern re-write and see what Mother Goose has to say. probably "Honk!" seeing as she's a Goose! Why the hell does a Goose not have a graceful call? And what sound does a deer make? I see whistles in hunting sections of major department stores but I can't see a deer whistling. It just doesn't seem right. Kinda like a german-polish 45 year old computer processor with coke bottle glasses and lieder-hosen knowing what Britney and Kevin are up to. Just not right.

Today we had a visit at work from Shrek. Everyone hates and fears him yet they all kiss his ass. I didn't really notice how much the dm's are terrified by him until I saw B Rad in a total panic. His face, neck and ears were beat red, I'd never seen him like that. Wow, one man has the power to do that? I want that power. Making grown men stress like that, I'm soo there. Huh?

Someone just called my cell phone and didn't bother to leave a message! I am appalled! And you just know they listened to my non generic voicemail message featuring the boys from Billy Talent. How rude. No, you don't get to hear my voicemail message unless you leave a message, come on, I spent money on this thing and you're just going to hang up? As if! I would never! That's it, I'm too upset to bother! I couldn't possibly! I just couldn't possibly!

Now, in honour of Shrek and the power he weildes, I give you Shrek Green!

yeah....

I got nothing. That's all.

Picky Picky Picky

Apparently Wonder Bread Hot Dog buns are not good, he doesn't like them. B Rad, no wonder your mum only buys whole wheat, you're fricken picky. Totally fricken picky, if only you were that way with your outfits, oh yes, I went there.

Beam Him Up Scotty

I've had requests to change "Captain Goggles" name to "Crusty." From now on, he will be known as Crusty. Now I have a request, would who ever left Harry here beam him back up? He's blown his cover, we know he's not human. That is all.

Moxie's Scares Me

Last night at Moxie's I saw the biggest, wait the big biggest hair ever. On a guy. I tried not to stare and when I laughed, he saw and I feared for my life. Who knows what it could do, I don't think it's ever been studied. I've included a artist's rendition of the beast.

Hidden Valley Ranch

Salt, Pepper, Ranch. Yes, I'm saying it, Ranch should be the third seasoning. It's good with everything. Salad, potatoes, bugles, and yes, even chicken fingers. The only way to make Ranch dressing better? Add some jalapeno. Oh yes my friend, it now comes with jalapeno. Don't thank me, thank my good friends at Safeway. Should I give them a plug without being paid? Ah well, since it's almost still the holidays, I'll let it go.

Episode 01-10-06 "Captain Goggles Returns"

Today I was asked for like the 6th time, how my dad's surgery went, and what exactly did they (the surgeon) do? People, if you ask what the surgeon did, I'm going to tell you. Do play the game of "I wanna know but eww that's gross so don't tell me but yeah tell me I can handle it but eww no I can't but I still wanna know." I don't think you know how annoying that really, really is. And what kind of salt do they use on pretzels? Because it's great. I've tried just tasting table salt and it's not good, but the clear square of salt, good. That is all, I've got nothing. Maybe an episode of Captain Goggles returns to work tomorrow, will make for good blogin'. Till then, laters. Oh B Rad, I posted something for ya. Scroll down to the next post. Yeah, you're welcome.

Nation Security is a really stupid funny movie. Good times.

Ah, Wonder Crack

You are desitined not to have either one of these.

The Little Strawberry Men

Who would pay 30 dollars for a stupid bottle of Coca Cola? It doesn't really matter that it's 43 years old. Desert Fox offered me 20 bucks to drink the soda on the spot, ick. What would it even taste like? 43 years in a glass bottle, that'll put hairs on your chest. I can only imagine what grew inside there. Maybe there is a whole bacteria culture (unintended joke, culture!) living out their little lives. Whole generations. I wonder if they know the little men who live inside the strawberries.

Sel et Poivre

My team played B Rad's team. Needless to say, my team won. Barely but we still won. And I must say, it feels, pretty good. Also, I looked up where Yugoslavia and Russia are, not that close man. I've also learned Yugoslavia doesn't exist anymore. So, it seems I'm not stupid after all, you're gonna have to refrain from the normal verbal abuse I receive from you on a daily basis. And I am the victim, I'm never the antagonizer, at least, that's what I tell people.

Today, I'm going antiquing, yea. I don't get it. Why would you pay butt loads of money for old stuff? When does it become antique and not just out-dated? Who decides the dresser no one wants, gets upgraded from garage sale garbage to a pristine antiquity? I have an original gameboy. When will it be considered a antique? I wouldn't mind a chunk of change for it. But I guess until then it will remain junk. Useless junk. How sad.

When did Woody Harrelson get all this work? Every now and then he's in like 30 movies. When did this happen? And who names their kid Woody? Unless he wears cowboy attire and has a pull string in his back, no one should be named Woody.

It Expires? Damn...

B Rad, I talked to J.C. I pushed for a 100 year expiry date, I only got 80 with 57 years left. Apparently if I live past 80 I deserve to go to hell. My only consolation is that you'll be 81. Well, keep your fingers crossed.

I Think I'm Soo Funny...

No one knows how to annoy people like me. Especially when it's my family. An exceptionally when it's my sister. My favorite way, annoying her when she's really into a show or movie. Star Wars III is my favorite. My stupid questions leave her totally cheezed and me, completly ammused.

Repeatedly referring to the movie as Star Trek. At first, it was an innocent mistake but when she started getting annoyed, it was just funny.

When the Chancellor turned to whats-his-face-that-turns-into-Garth-Vader and said "I have good news", without missing a beat I shouted "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!" That's when I got the look. Yes, that look, the one soo cold your veins would freeze and shatter.

Asking why Captain Picard wasn't in there fighting with the force. But then answer myself by saying, "Oh yeah, these are before, I ment Captain Kirk, Why isn't he and Scotty there?" That's when I got the look.

Telling her R2D2 looked like a trash can on wheels, and that with the first 2 movies a big hit, you'd think he'd be all pimped out. Like how big was the budget, I thought Wes Craven was a better director than that. (Yes I know it was George Lucas but it's just that fun)

Good Times at SGCHS

2 days ago I saw 2 girls from my high school, I'll let them remain nameless, I'll call them girl one and girl two. They look the same, dress the same and they still hate me. I've said maybe 10 words to these girls my whole fricken life yet they've continued to hate me. Maybe I was naive thinking that high school is over, surely this is, but no, no it's not. Whatever is all I can say, they were bullies and will probably have bullies for children. My only question for them would be why they (bullies) continue to ask day after day, "what's your problem?" if clearly they are not going to solve it for me? Maybe I was having a bad hair day or my homework wasn't done, at last! Some one to help me with my problem! Nope, they just call you gay and giggle into their cracker trying to capture what's left of their self-loathing, hypocritical ego while suppressing the hatred for others' self acceptance. Ah high school. Good times.

Holy Google Batman!

I would just like to question why the word "blog" is spelled incorrectly according to Blogger's spell check. That's like Google telling you that "Google" is spelled wrong.

Holy Identity Theft Batman!

I think a local radio personality is stealing my blog ideas. A few months back I wrote about the "Edit Undo" feature for real life, now I see on his blog, the same thing. Well, this is new.

A Boy Named Sue

Blogspot.com needs to let me put sound bites on my little bloggie-boo. I must say, and I've said it a few times, you wait until 3am and ask me to sing "A Boy Named Sue" and I really do sing like Johnny Cash I really do. I am the best Cash impersonator. Which kinda kills real bad cause he was a man, but oh yeah, I'm gonna ride this magic carpet for as long as I can. But until blogspot.com allows sound bites, I'm gonna have to keep this little diddy to myself. In fact, this little diddy is soo amazing, other diddys want it's autograph. You know, if it signed a shoe contract, other diddys would be clamoring to buy them. Which is funny if ya think about it, seeing as diddy's don't even have feet. Well. Ain't that a kicker. Yeah, it is, right in the gullet. Yeah, even your great great grandma on your cousin Allen's wife's sister-in-law's uncle's third cousin twice removed would feel it. So write to your congressman or woman, and step up to the plate, root root root for what is good, yeah, what's good.
Woah, I should really re-think the green plaid, it's not flattering at all, but I am impressed with my cowlick. Nice. Real, real nice. Oh. Yeah. Nice.