B Rad Strikes Again Times 2!

Well, here it is B Rad, I wasn't going to post this list but you've pushed me too far! Way too far. Now, upon reading over the list of atrocities, I've noticed you say the same things over and over again. Either you've got a lack of comical wit or you're an a-hole. You decide. No wait, I will. You're an a-hole.

Dec 21, 9:24 am - Flipped me off, called me an f*#king A-hole and dumb bitch.
Dec 21, 9:28 am - Called me a test tube baby, dumb shit.
Dec 21, 9:30 am - Flipped me off again, called me a crack whore, illiterate, incompetent, that I can't spell and to shut my f*#king trap.
Dec 21, 9:32 am - Called me a stupid twit, said if I were a Spice Girl I'd be "Handi-Spice," continued to call me a stupid S.O.B. dumb as a post, and swore a lot, too much for that early in the morning.

My Life Is Very Slowly Passing Me By

Boxing day shopping, I'm an idiot. My arch enemy: slow-walkers. And I think boxing day at South Common is their annual convention meeting place. Yes, people actually take their time to stroll leisurely down the sidewalks, stopping to see the displays that shoppers put on just for my torture. Sidewalks are meant for walking as fast as you can, to reach the new member of your fashion family. Mine was a beautiful brown leather ALDO purse. Yet this family of Snaggle Tooths are purposely standing in my way. How can someone walk so damn slowly, aimlessly, blocking my way? If there isn't an aim to it, why leave the house at all? But no, there they go, coming back and forth, hesitating at every step. They don't look where they're going, maybe because they don't know it themselves. They flutter here and there, they bump against you. Oh, and what about the shopping malls? They're hell to me. A swarm of people that doesn't come nor go, but stays stuck in the middle of the walkway, gaily talking to each other about things that don't really matter and screaming to their cellphones. Just because you can't hear what the caller is saying, it doesn't mean they've gone deaf, just you. Then I'm doomed to walk slowly along with a loud mouthed, screaming slow-walker, hating every minute of it. My sister is always very amused to see me in this kind of situation. Also, my most hated slow-walker quote: "Are you in line?" No, I've just stood in front of you for 15 minutes just so I could smell the rancid butt hole eggnog you bathed in last night, for fun. You. Stupid. Snaggle Tooth. Idiot.

And what the hell is it with stupid teenage girls jumping to the stalker label as soon as a guy shows the slightest sign of interest in them? Are they getting dumber? Or is it just me? Stop flattering yourselves, you stupid, stupid, stupid little girls! I hear this kind of crap all the time, from the Starbucks girls in WEM. "Oh my god, this guy was looking at me, today. He's a stalker. I have a stalker." What is it? Are you that god damn desperate to make your empty, meaningless life sound exciting? Why is it always stalker? You know, there are several levels of lesser severity, below stalker. You might want to try admirer or whatever. With an admirer, you don't have an excuse to act all dramatic, like you're in a horror movie, and get some huge ego trip out of it. It just isn't the same if you can't delude yourself and anyone stupid enough to listen to you into believing that someone is completely obsessed with you. Fricken get over yourself. When you find a guy hiding in the bushes outside your bedroom window, you have a stalker. When you see someone looking at you for a few seconds, from across the room, what you have is someone who finds you attractive, and it's clearly someone who is obviously not the least bit familiar with your personality.

The G.W.R. Pure Genius

Today, as my family and I opened presents, I noticed all the gifts wrapped by my mum were perfect. Tight corners, smooth, sleek seams, and perfect even tape. Then I looked at what I wrapped. Now, I don't claim to be the best gift wrapper, but I like to think I'm a cut slightly above. I have now seen my weakness, and it stings, like the sting of a thousand scorpions. My corners were more like skrunched balls of wrapping paper flattened by twisted tape, and there are many sloppy and uneven seems, not to mention wrinkles upon wrinkles upon wrinkles. This has lead me to my latest invention. Are you ready Canada? Drum roll please......

The Gift Wrapping Robot! It could take any sized box and expertly wrap up to 30 gifts an hour. Oh yeah, I see a big future for the G.W.R. A big future. Perhaps wrapped up in a neat package.

This is How We Brush Our Teeth, Brush Our Teeth, Brush...

This morning at around 6:31 am, I had a great idea for my post today. I told myself to turn on the computer and write it up right then and there. Then I shrugged my shoulders, told myself that "I'll totally remember!" and kept brushing my teeth. Wow, you'd think I'd learn by now, I can't remember jack. I haven't the slightest idea what it could have even been about. But I do remember being very chuffed with myself. Yeah, I am soo smart. So, sadly you're stuck with my only note of intrigue, I've learned that you can't tan your palms, or the bottom of your feet. I don't know why, I just don't know why. Maybe it's just one of those unknowns. Yeah, unknowns. Anyways, incase I don't get back to my good old 1992 4 foot computer. You know, one of the retros, the one with the green 8 inch screen, Happy Christmas!

Superman is a Perv

If Superman has X-Ray vision, can he still see when his eyes are closed? I mean come on man, if you can see throughout a titanium infused, copper-plated and steel laced door, would your eyelids really be a challenge? Now that being said, could he see through the ground, the clay, plates and magma, and see lets say Japan or Egypt? What is the limit. Now here's my big question, Superman's hair is always trimmed neat, (because I'm guessing his alter ego Clark is anal about detail), yet his hair was on display in a museum supporting the weight of a 100lb weight. How would the scissors cut through suck strong hair? That is my real question. Oh also, if he can see through his eyelids, why would he bother closing them? What would be the point?

I saw a movie today staring Charlie Sheen, something about aliens and he saved man-kind, blah blah blah. But what I actually did care about was the fact that the aliens had backward knees. I thought about it the other day thinking it'd be neat, not actually knowing what it would look like, and I must say, eww. Not attractive at all. Picture the scariest alien ever and now stick backwards knees on it. Yeah, I cried a little too.

Colabs Aren't Cool

Listen, to all you artists out there that are crying into your wheaties. Yes, your 15 minutes are over, and no, a collaboration won't help. You know who you are coughLinkinParkcough. I hate a down and out celeb/artist who gets famous again just because Madonna or Jay Z whored themselves out to make some chedda. And newly appointed Miss J. Simpson, I hate that you are famous because you're a slob, couldn't clean even if you had Mary Poppins, and may or may not be mildly retarded. Also, not knowing the difference between chicken or fish isn't cute, it's demeaning and you just set back blondes 11 years. And they were so close to indifference. Soo close. But your dear old dad is a marketing genius, so I'll let it slide. And to you free loaders out there, no you can't act just because you can sing, and yes, we will notice if you put your face on a Janis Joplin album. Oh! OMG! I almost forgot! It is not ok for a country artist to mame and butcher Janis Joplin and Neil Diamond. And yes, I like Neil Diamond, wanna fight about it?

Pure Spite, Yeah Hook Me Up With Some of That

Over the years of a complex friendship, you slowly gain access to certain tid-bits of information. Just a reminder to B Rad, I have things on you too. Oh it's on man, it's on.

With that said, I think I'm going to buy a Chia Pat. It's not something I overly love but I always wanted one as a kid. Myself from the past would be totally cheezed if I didn't buy one. I wonder if I'll have to go to an old store to get one. I don't think they even make them anymore. That guy who invented the Pet Rock is a total genius. I once had an idea for an invention. I should have patented it! I remember it clearly, I, little Kelly, was cutting 4 pieces of construction paper at the same time and my hand was hurting. Then it hit me, electric scissors! That's what I need! Then, like 8 years later, I was sitting at home watching tv, minding my own business when BAM! there they were. Electric scissors. I should have written it down...

It's A Christmas Miracle!

I'm EXTREMELY happy to say that Pepsi, for a limited time, has brought back the raspberry flavored Ginger Ale. I Happen to love it yet they continue to toy with me every few months. Bring it back, taking it away, then bringing back. What, are things that slow down at Pepsi Corporate Office? They must be. This, in turn, has lead me to recall every evil doing, corporate shrill who's ever wronged me, the average Jill:

Coke, Pepsi, Big Brother, The Queen, The Christmas Card Companies, Motorola, LG Mobile Phone Company, The Hot Dog Bun Company, and The Hot Dog Dog Companies.

To all you people, you suck.

No I don't want to sign up for a Gold Card VISA

It must have been "Bring Your Baby to the Mall Day" at the local high school, because I must have seen at least a dozen 15 year olds carrying infants around that mall. The other high school girls (who looked like they belonged on that show Laguna Beach) were talking about how they were going to get wasted before some party. They purchased 1001 Drinking Games. They make their parents proud. Does every tool who is happy with their sad pathetic life have to quote Dave Chapelle? Really? You're not Rick James, bitch. At Games Room there was a 72 inch pool table on sale for $400. I nearly bought it. But dammit, I won't compromise. I want a full sized table. Where else will my family eat Christmas Dinner? After all that I bought nothing. For anyone else. I bought myself a hat. Merry Christmas Kell, Merry Christmas.

B Rad Strikes Again

Continuation of B Rad's wrong doings

December 18, 2005 9:41 pm - Started his own blog just to annoy me. *Note I believe he's a troubled guy with an unhealthy fixation on misery and despair

Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhymes... Seedy and Shameless

Who came up with nursery rhymes? Not Mother Goose. She's not human, she's not even toilet trained, I hardly believe she could use a typewriter. So it must have been people, strange, seedy, scary people. What they're not telling us is the tragedy connected to the rhyme. Like Old Mother Hubbard who later ate her dog for which she was searching for a bone. Jack and Jill were retarded twins, no doubt a result of the difficult birth from which they became mildly retarded due to the lack of oxygen. Humpty Dumpty was actually a egg farmer who came to town to sell his eggs when mean soldiers knocked him off the wall he happened to stop on to rest his tired feet. Once they realized they had cracked his skull and he was dead, they buried him in the forest never to be found again. And Mary's little lamb? Mary was a goth and she ate him. Raw. For brunch.

Remember, There Are No Stupid Questions

While in gridlock on the Whitemud today I pondered these nuggets of intrigue:

Why is everything on us face forward? What if our feet and knees were backwards? How would I drive? How would I walk?

Clearly there are stupid questions.

Lucky ! ! ! Napolean... The Pen, Now with 12% More 'Tude

Check it out! Napolean Dynamite, on a pen! Sweet! I'm soo taking you to work! And it has 7 sayings from the movie, just push the top. Lucky! Ever take it over any sweet jumps?

I Don't Think So B Rad

Hey B Rad, J.C. gave me this, good luck with your buring for all eturnity, alone, well, with Hitler and Shirley Temple.

And Yes, I Am That Petty

Today, I decided to list all the wrong doings by B Rad. He's lucky I only started my list at 2:55.

2:55 Told a mean spirited story about me. *Note I think he's dead inside and being mean is his only solace.

2:56 Said, and I quote, "Hey Idiot!" *Note he must be insecure about his own intelligence.

2:57 Told me that, and I quote, "You ask the most stupid f@#king questions ever!" *Note, I believe him to be lacking creativity and will become jealous of anyone else showing spectaulor tact and skill for anything.

Oh yes B Rad, I am that petty.

I'm Starting to Despise Chain Emails.

Guys, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fricken stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get the Caddie in the driveway, the chedda in my bank account and the model/Texas born surfer turned Australian rugby champ now sports commentator for the BBC. What a bunch of crap. I wonder if the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and steal my Christmas tree and holiday spirit while I sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and then stolen by Canadian drunks thinking it was a treasure map, and if it makes it to the year 2008, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Because the current record holder only lasted 2002 years and 364 days. Wow, the tennis elbow you must have got back then, well, seeing as there was no email or even electricity. Chipping away on your marble slate late into the night, constantly being burned by the flickering flame and scalding hot wax drippings. Now that's dedication.

I especially like the ones that guilt me into annoying my friends. Telling me some sob story about little Jimmy in Brazil who has no arms, legs, parents, or even a pet goat who desperately needs your help, you see, for every forward of this such email, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy Fund in his home town of Mamooshka, Brazil. And if I don't send this to at least 10 people, I will find myself walking the streets of hell in a Canadian Goose Down Filled Parka, being constantly hit by thrown monkey poop, and not only be forced to eat adorable kittens but being videotaped by that annoying obnoxious guy from my P.E. class who smelled like cauliflower, which is to be shown at my high school reunion. Oh! I almost forgot! Make a wish and it will come true in 106 years when I'm already dead and not able to enjoy the super sonic invisable hover craft I initially wished for. Well, maybe my kids can use it for something. When they get out of jail.

Oops!

I guess it was my 51st post. Oops, my bad.

I Don't Feel Smarter

Do smart people feel smarter wearing glasses? And do they feel more vain wearing contacts? Oh, do they feel like a poser wearing contacts knowing that they should be wearing glasses? Now, I wear both glasses and contacts, and I don't feel any smarter or more vain than usual. You'd think I'd use my 50th post for something more profound. Well, it was a slow news day.

I Take It All Back

I don't know what came over me. I didn't ment it, I heart Starbucks.

I Guess There Had to Be a First

Who ever looked at a cow and said, "Yeah, I'll drink whatever comes outta that." Milk isn't in sync with the evolutionary chain but I like it. Especially as a chocolatey flavor, or strawberry, who knew? Actually I like the banana one too.

Why do I pay 5 bucks for coffee? What makes Starbucks better than the sludge I can buy for a fith the price at good ol' canadian Timmy's?

Magpies Should Destroy!

I'm appalled by what I just witnessed live. Owen was accosted by the goalkeeper of Arse-hole Arsenal, and not even a yellow card to be seen! I'm totally cheesed by that. Also, note the colours, it's for the Magpies, oh and they won 1 nill! See Arsenal, you played dirty and still lost! Ha ha ha!

If You Go Out in the Woods Today, You're Sure to Get a Surprise!

I googled a few stupid things tonight. I was surprised by the results. I first googled "Strange Ideas" and got, not much. Just a few sites about strange business ideas and they tried to sell me a book. Next on the docket was "Stupid Movie Quotes." Now I expected to find not much but I was directed to AFI's 100 years in movies and it lists many things including the 50 best villains and heros. I was shocked at a few. The number one for both categories I agree with:

#1 Hero - Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird
#1 Villain - Dr. Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs

But Batman is #46 and Superman is #26!!!!! I feel shocked!!!!!! Cotttttton! Surely the 25 all the way up to number 1 has to be better than Batman and Superman! Nope! Virgil Tibbs in The Heat of the Night is #19, Rocky Balboa in Rocky is #7 and Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs is #6!!!!! These three are not better than either Batman or Superman combined!!!!! Wow, all I can say is Wow.

Now lastly I googled "If a Tree Falls in the Woods and There's No One Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound?" Woah, you may need to sit down for this one. Apparently there is a "Human Stress Syndrome" for plants! Here it is summed up the best way I know how, you know, for all you skeptics.

Scientists have been dealing with the problem of natural tree falls (and the sound they make, or don't make) for quite some time and have drawn some rather surprising conclusions.

If a tree falls and there's a person around the sound it's easily recognized. If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody nearby, the sound that it makes is very different and often not recognized as the sound of a tree falling. Either way, there is a sound. Even though plants do not show any changes to the naked (or lensed) eye, when a human is in their presence systemic biological changes have been discovered that have grave effects on plant life when a person is within 300 meters. This effect is called "human stress syndrome." Apparently, when a tree is about to fall, if it senses a human nearby the biological stresses of human presence cause the cell walls in the plant to become brittle and it is the cell brittleness responsible for the familiar sound we know as that of a tree fall. The cell brittleness also has significant effects to the quality of the lumber, making it much more suitable for use in construction. The non-human-stressed wood (naturally falling tree lumber) is almost always rather soft and wet. In many cases you will find splotches of various colors and sections of the wood that appear more like a sponge (one of the best sources of natural sponge is from fallen trees). And if you try to build a structure out of this wood, you are in for a bad surprise when your building soon collapses. Oops! Clean up on 34th and Main!!!

Well, now that's a lesson for all you tree tippers out there! You're giving those poor trees a syndrome! But they do stand all tall and bitchy-like, I see how you'd be tempted. But stick to cows! Really! They like it, the element of surprise, going to sleep standing, waking up in the mud, on your ass. It really jolts ya.

I Don't Think So Tim...

On Home Improvement, I liked Al, he wasn't the funniest or coolest guy in the world, but he had a catch phrase, yeah that's where it's at. I'd like to have a catch phrase but I'm not sure what it would be. I can't just steal one like those people who just take a phrase from a show or movie and do it to death. I should do some thing, some sort of public service announcement or something. If only I had some public forum to voice my opinion... Well, I do have this blog. Her it is, speech stealers listen up.

Look a-holes, it's funny when Jerry Seinfeld says it, not you. I'm tired of people adopting speech patterns, catch phrases, and their entire personalities from movies. When Jim Carrey's "Ace Ventura" came out, every idiot I know did their worst "allllrighty then" impression. You can still hear it echoed by self loathing, stupid school girls who try to compensate for their lack of personality and any resemblance of wit by chanting this so maybe you won't notice that they're lying whores. The worst is when some gabby bitch is the center of a party, and someone tells an awkward story, to which she'll pause a beat, roll her eyes, then say "allllrighty then!" Then she thinks it's funny and she high fives all her snobby catty backstabbing girlfriends friends who watch stupid shit like "Will & Grace" and "Darhma and Greg" all while listening to whiny angst-filled "Jewel" or "Shakeria" bullshit and taking everything Ryan Seacrest says as gospel. I hope you choke.

Ok, that came out a little more angry than helpful but yeah. There it is, take heed children, take heed indeed.

Get The Shovel !

Well, I'm one year closer to the dirt nap. Wow, this feels good.....

Spinning Headlines Back In Vogue! ! !

Uh fyi guys, I just made the best hot chocolate ever. Just thought you'd like to know. It's very high up there on my list. No need to thank me, just trying to make the world a better place, one cup at a time.

The Only Sane Voice In Alberta

The only kid I like on the new Degrassi is the gay kid. Rico or whatever, he's got style. Wow, these jr high kids have really got some issues. If all schools were like this, what would life be like? Let's imagine........ DRAMA!!!!!!! I want a motorbike, even Snake has a motorbike. Uh oh, busted! Snake totally made out with the principal and now Spike knows. Ouch!

Tomorrow is my b-day, and some how I managed to convince Desert Fox to give me my presents tonight!!!!! Wow, I've got wicked skills, wicked negotiation skills. Alright... (insert Quagmire grin here)

All I want For X-mas...

Why oh why do I get asked this every year? Because I'm selfish and buy everything I want leaving nothing for my family and friends to consider buying me before deciding on something not even closely resembling anything on the list. It was easy as a kid, scroll through the wish book, land on the Barbie pages and start writing. Well, it's no longer acceptable to play with a Barbie at my age so I'm forced to look at her through the original packaging, just standing there, wondering why she's not loved enough to be taken out of her plastic and cardboard upright coffin.

I made a wicked X-mas CD today. Oh btw, I'm saying X-mas for now on, it just takes up too much of a conversation. Like I already use such long words, I'd just confuse my convo partner if I threw in the other X-mas word. Crazy? I think not. So my verdict for Best Holiday Tune 2005? All I Want for Christmas (this doesn't count because it's a proper name for a song title, jeeze, you tried to confubble me, ha!) by My Chemical Romance. Good tune, 2 opposable thumbs up. Best Hippie Holiday Tune? And So This is Christmas by John Lennon. Best Vintage Holiday Tune? Do They Know it's Christmas Time? by Band Aid circa 1984, I think I was turning 1, but that's why they call it vintage. I'm not a huge fan of the made to look vintage jeans, and I even joshed a friend of mine. I was recently reminded of my dislike of fake vintage and that I'd bought a hat, a shirt and jeans that were purposely distressed. So here it is B-Rad, you'll hear this only once, I was wrong to josh you for a style that I subconsciously bought myself. There, I feel better and a little more tolerant of emerging and outrageous fashion trends.

Surf or Turf? Uh Surf ! ! !

I found a wicked site today. It's got some of my fav and popular song clips on it. Sounds boring right? Wrong! It's wicked awesome. It plays the song clip forwards, shows you the lyrics, then you play it backwards and you listen to the "satanic messages!" Now I know it's all a bunch of crap, but it's really cool all the same. Try it, all the favs are there, Stairway to Heaven, Hotel California, My Name is..., Another One Bites The Dust, even Hit me Baby One More Time! The url is: http://jeffmilner.com/backmasking.htm

I really wish I had a edit undo function. We've all said and done stupid stuff you immediately regret and wish you could take it back. Yeah, edit undo would be awesome. I guess it would be Ctrl Z. Where would I put it? Maybe hang it around my neck. That's to be later decided.

I'll Have The Roundhouse Kick To My Ass

One hundred billion dollars! I like Dr. Evil. No wait, I heart Dr. Evil. Who ever thought Mikey Caine would be in an Austin Powers movie, who woulda thunk it??? Well, truth be told, who ever thought Chris Walken would be in The Wedding Crashers. My fav Chris scene; Jeremy is tied to his bed and he just sits down and carries on the convo, and at one point tugging the rope to see how secure it really is. Oh solid gold! Or is it solid nuclear. It's pronounced nuclear. Oh Homer, you silly. Chris Walken used to frighten me as a child, I believe it had something to do with a movie involving him as a fallen angel, destroying the world and he had black wings. Creepy. Now I'm afraid of Chuck Norris. Not just because he was 'Walker: Texas Ranger' even though that was a good quality show, but because he can roundhouse kick your ass. Oh yeah, I've heard he once roundhoused kicked his kid's ass for not giving 187% at finger painting. Wow. Imagine for a minute if you will, you're his personal assistant. You arrive to pick him up, let's say you're not even 2 minutes late. Chuck, "You make me late." Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to the face.~ You pick yourself up, you're now driving to the karate school, you run a red, Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to the ear.~ And he didn't even take off his seatbelt. After the karate school you go to Starbucks, you order his pumpkin spice latte, decaf, half fat, double shot, extra spice, Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to the neck.~ Chuck, "I want and Egg Nog Latte, who drinks a fall drink during the holidays? What, you can't just pick that one up!?!" Crisis averted, you're now very bruised and broken, you drive to the spa, Chucky goes in, as you drive away you curse his name, Bam! ~Roundhouse kick to your left kidney.~ As you sit there amazed and slowly coughing up blood you realize, Chucky Norris is Roundhouse kicking my ass! Wow.