Boxing day shopping, I'm an idiot. My arch enemy: slow-walkers. And I think boxing day at South Common is their annual convention meeting place. Yes, people actually take their time to stroll leisurely down the sidewalks, stopping to see the displays that shoppers put on just for my torture. Sidewalks are meant for walking as fast as you can, to reach the new member of your fashion family. Mine was a beautiful brown leather ALDO purse. Yet this family of Snaggle Tooths are purposely standing in my way. How can someone walk so damn slowly, aimlessly, blocking my way? If there isn't an aim to it, why leave the house at all? But no, there they go, coming back and forth, hesitating at every step. They don't look where they're going, maybe because they don't know it themselves. They flutter here and there, they bump against you. Oh, and what about the shopping malls? They're hell to me. A swarm of people that doesn't come nor go, but stays stuck in the middle of the walkway, gaily talking to each other about things that don't really matter and screaming to their cellphones. Just because you can't hear what the caller is saying, it doesn't mean they've gone deaf, just you. Then I'm doomed to walk slowly along with a loud mouthed, screaming slow-walker, hating every minute of it. My sister is always very amused to see me in this kind of situation. Also, my most hated slow-walker quote: "Are you in line?" No, I've just stood in front of you for 15 minutes just so I could smell the rancid butt hole eggnog you bathed in last night, for fun. You. Stupid. Snaggle Tooth. Idiot.
And what the hell is it with stupid teenage girls jumping to the stalker label as soon as a guy shows the slightest sign of interest in them? Are they getting dumber? Or is it just me? Stop flattering yourselves, you stupid, stupid, stupid little girls! I hear this kind of crap all the time, from the Starbucks girls in WEM. "Oh my god, this guy was looking at me, today. He's a stalker. I have a stalker." What is it? Are you that god damn desperate to make your empty, meaningless life sound exciting? Why is it always stalker? You know, there are several levels of lesser severity, below stalker. You might want to try admirer or whatever. With an admirer, you don't have an excuse to act all dramatic, like you're in a horror movie, and get some huge ego trip out of it. It just isn't the same if you can't delude yourself and anyone stupid enough to listen to you into believing that someone is completely obsessed with you. Fricken get over yourself. When you find a guy hiding in the bushes outside your bedroom window, you have a stalker. When you see someone looking at you for a few seconds, from across the room, what you have is someone who finds you attractive, and it's clearly someone who is obviously not the least bit familiar with your personality.
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